Lourdes and Lulu touch me in a special way

Today I'm thinking about...

How I can have a positive influence on others
Taking a break from the ever seemingly reminders of the office
My new commitment to staying healthy
My luck being chosen to be Lourdes' Daddy

Lulu and I are trying to get our life's back to the routines that we once enjoyed. No matter how hard we try, it will never be the same for us. In a way that fact is exciting and we look forward to our new future with four kids, a wife with cancer, and a new direction career wise. As you can tell, I'm not as frequent with my updates these last few weeks. I have been selfish with my time. Deciding to spend more of it with my family. I can't tell you how much that I have a new appreciation of my time and how I use it. Not that I've ever been frivolous with my use of time, but I'm just more aware of how limited it can be.

My lovely wife has been spending her time organizing her and our families life's. That I take is a good sign for continued improvement in her health? Lulu has been voicing her concerns about her future as Dr. Molina the strong, compassionate, and devoted pediatric dentist that she once was. She, I believe, is fighting those thoughts of self confidence and wondering if she can return to the pace and the devotion that she showed before starting her life altering journey almost one year ago? That constant balancing act of motherhood and a professional career. Just a little bump on either side of the continuum can cause a fierce anxiety in her life. It is all just another chance to grow as a human being. A part of becoming a better, stronger, and wiser person. I can't wait to see how this all will shape my best friend and hero?

Lourdes I think has grown more in this last week then the whole last couple of months? I spent most of the afternoon with her today, and we had fun playing Peek-a-Boo, rolling around on the floor, making a mess of her face and clothes while attempting to eat, and changing it seemed like a endless supply of poppy diapers (I think that she holds it all in until Daddy is in charge)? I just love to look at her round fat baby face, and I can't help but see both Mommy's features in there. Her nose is a miniature form of Lulu's, and those big eyes seemed to have been plucked right from Mommy's face (even though her eyes are blue? Lourdes was sucking down the milk tonight. Just when I thought that she had had enough of the white sweet cow juice, she would make sure that I knew that she wanting more. I think that I put her to bed twice now. She wasn't having going to sleep in her crib on her own. She has been held to fall asleep for most of her 9 months, and isn't adjusting to having to cry herself to sleep. (how can you blame her, I think all of us like to be held when we fall asleep no matter what age we are)? This girl thing, so far, has been one of the best things that has happened to me. I can barely wait until tomorrow to see what new experiences that we can share together?

My most recent book I finished again give me a thankfulness and appreciation of what we have in the US. Anderson Cooper's, Dispatches From The Edge,was an enlightening story of courage, humility, and caring that opened me more to my promise of giving back to people and caring for less fortunate persons somewhere on this great big world. I have completed some of the details of my missionary trip to Belize for January 2011, and I have been researching what more I can do? It's in all of us this need to give back, some people call it "pay it forward". If we can all just act upon these feelings, we can have a better world to live in. Next time you have a opportunity to change a life, take it, the time might never present itself again?

We return from San Francisco

Today I'm grateful for...
Being with my family for all life's events
Long walks
Seemingly unlimited love to give
Rewarding and fun things filling my days

Lulu and I just returned from San Francisco with the kids. We had a small celebration to mark the wonderful event, and plan on really celebrating the occasion tomorrow with spending time together as a family. Lulu has just finished her 5 week radiation treatment, and has most of the major steps to beating this cancer completed. It's been a difficult 9 months for all of us, but she's been strong like always (what's new there?). There's many things about having Stage III breast cancer that are negative, but there are some positives also; like getting to have reconstructive breast augmentation and ones asking why you did it? Or being pushed into evaluating your future closely and make some enlightening discoveries. Or me getting to spend more quality time with my wife and learn more about her beautiful character.

Lulu will be taking both oral cancer medications, and hormone therapy for the next 5 years (that's what they say). Lulu's also strongly thinking about taking a new trial drug that would help to prevent the cancer cells from invading her body in the future (the doctors seem to think that she should do this, I guess she is at high risk for relapse?).

I have a strong, determined wife and I'm lucky to be a part of her life. Though many things for her have changed, the positive mindset and assertiveness remain. It's hard not to believe in a higher being shaping our futures when you think about all the great things that I have had laid on me during my 44 years? How was I drawn to Lulu? To being with her during all that has effected her life lately. Most days I can't believe my luck, and I wonder if all of it can be taken away? I'm so glad that I'm here for her and I know that she has greatly benefited from me in her life.

I have been sent another book (read through the Kindle application on my iPhone) to help me to realize just how fortunate that I am. When we think that we have been handed a deck of Spades, there always seems to be a knock on my door, and at mt house's entry is some kind of inspiring message waiting for me. I cried through the last chapter of Marcus Luttrell's, Lone Survivor, The Eyewitness Account Of Operation Redwing and The Lost Heros Of Seal Team 10. I was left wondering how does one endure watching your friends, that have saved you from your ultimate demise, die in front and next to you, and you can't do anything to help them? I realize that dying, unless from advanced age, is difficult to make sense of, and many times is senseless! I can only control how I react to life, I can't change it. If you want understand the sacrifices that our man and women in uniform give to keep this country free, this is the book to clearly identify who they might be? I can't wait to have the next inspirational message sneak through my door.

We make our journey to San Francisco for the last radiation treatment

Today I'm thankful for...
Spending quality time with the whole family
Watching the family grow closer together
Feeling good about the future
See how much I truly have

The family made the journey down from Reno to San Francisco yesterday. It was mostly raining as we drove through the town of Truckee, but as we rose about 7000 feet the snow was coming down pretty good. The traffic was light and we made it to Fairfield in around three hours. Lulu has wanted to see the Jelly Belly jellybean factory for a while now, so we stopped for a tour of the process that turns sugar into candy. It was interesting to hear that during the Reagan administration, that Jellybeans were a staple of his life as our president. I'm not a big fan of the "jellybean" so during the tour when the nice young guide was handing out the beans (trying to get us all hooked on the sugary confection) I'm pretty sure that I was the only one that reframed from the treat? I did have to try the toothpaste favor jellybean at the sample bar after the tour. Let me tell you that was the best representation of crest toothpaste that you could imagine. Now if we could just make the toothpaste taste like jellybeans? I did learn that bribing the kids with the promise of jellybeans is an effective way to modify their behavior, and my four kids were well behaved for the duration of the tour. The best part is the factory tours of the Jelly Belly plant is free, except for all the candy that you "have to" buy once you end in the gift/candy shop.

Lulu returned home from San Francisco on Friday afternoon. She had spent the week getting daily radiation treatments and attending Physical therapy appointments for her arm. It was so nice to be together again as a family, and the kids were extremely happy that she was home (even though it was for only a short few hours). Since Lulu's mother has been with us for most of a month now, she was to be leaving tomorrow morning for Puerto Rico, so I played with the kids and Lulu and Grandma when out on the town to spend so time together. I have to admit that Grandma Nelly was such a great help during this most stressful time. I made sure that my wife know my feelings on this one.

We have woken to some fog this morning in the city. We are planning on taking the little ones to the San Francisco zoo for the day. Another place that I haven't been to since I was a little boy living in the central valley of California. The Zoo is always a winner when it comes to child entertainment, so Lulu and I are looking forward to spending time watching our kids gaze at the Lions, and Tigers. We are hoping to see the "Ripley's believe it or not" and possibly a cable car tour of the city for tomorrow, after the medical appointments that Lulu has?

I presently reading a eye opening book, a physiologist view of the meaning of life through his time in the World war II concentration camps of Nazi Germany. Viktor Frankl's; Man's Search for Meaning, gives you a personal account of the daily struggles of the Jewish prisoners and the their tormenting fight for survival during the late 1930, and the early 1940's. Unbelievably, Dr. Frankl states that even in this most horrid conditions where a minute could be the difference between living and dying, that the human being can make a mental choice of how to feel about their circumstances? Would you fold and crumble under the strain, or look for the "small extra ration of bread" and see the future that can still exist? I could only think of my own fortune to be born and raised as a believer in seeing the positive (no matter how small that piece of bread might be). My sun is always shining even on the cloudy days. Can you see the sun through those clouds?

Just 6 more Radiation treatments

Today I'm thankful for...
Getting closer to the end of winter and the snow season
A weekend with the whole family together
Making new friends
Lulu only days from finishing her radiation treatments

Lulu has only a total of six more radiation treatments left. Tomorrow she will be traveling to UCSF for the last whole week of exposure to cancer killing photons. Lulu has been talking about the final six treatment most of the weekend. Not that the radiation has been anywhere close to the difficulties that the chemotherapy caused, like the extreme tiredness, nausea, or the hair lose; however, she has been experiencing some fatigue and forgetfulness. It's hard to figure out what causing the short term confusion? Well, we're all hoping that it's short term? The doctors have told her that the fatigue many times is accumulative during the various treatments that a cancer patient endures. Lulu's wondering if and how long it will be for her to recover the strength and energy that she once possessed? Then there's the weakness in the right arm. Lulu's been going three times a week to the physical therapist to help her with the strength and tenderness in the right arm and shoulder. She says that the therapy has been very helpful in the mobility of the arm, but the discomfort continues. I think that Lulu is experimenting with her new life with cancer, and isn't quite sure about all the details as of yet? It's like starting over; what will she be able to tolerate, how will her arm be one year from now, and will she have difficulty with retaining information from now on? Lots of questions, and not so many answers. In time it will all work out, but waiting to get there is testing her determination.

After the radiation treatment there's still other treatments for Lulu. For the next five years Lulu will be taking oral chemotherapy drug (Tamoxifen ) to prevent a recurrence of the cancer? Then the hormone replacement drugs. There's the second surgery to replace her "expanders" with the breast implants (sometime at the end of the summer or early fall)? Also, the experimental blood treatments in which we don't know a lot about yet. Most of these should be finished in Reno, with minimal appointments needed in San Francisco? (Though we'll miss some of those trips to the big city). Whatever Lulu needs to do to protect her future we will face together and beat this dreadful cancer. We can only think about the future together with her being cancer free. Nothing else is acceptable!

At the end of this week, Lulu and I are going to be taking the kids to SF for the last weekend before the last treatment of radiation. We want to have a mini family vacation together celebrating the end of this phase of her breast cancer battle. We are planning on going to the Jelly Bean factory in Fairfield, the California Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate park, and the Wax museum and Ripley's Believe It or Not. (the kids have been asking about that one). I really wanted to take the boys on the BART train as they love trains and I'm sure would be an adventure riding the subway under the city? When we return on Tuesday we'll have a family party to mark the end of the last 9 months of craziness. (I hope that the next nine months will have a normalcy that we haven't seen for a while)?

The Book to celebrate Lourdes

Today I'm thankful for...
Being around upbeat people
Having a (mostly) pain free lower back and left leg
Spending quality time with Lulu during treatments
Lourdes growing up so healthy and happy

The baby girl, Lourdes Elizabeth, has really changed in the last two or so weeks. We have had grandma Nellie here to help while Lulu is gone to San Francisco, and grandma has been spoiling the wonder child (just as grandmas are suppose to do). When I took Lourdes to the doctor last week she weighted almost 20 pounds. (as you can imagine she has rolls of fat all over her body, and looks like a pint sized sumo wrestler). She's so round that one day when I placed her onto the floor for her daily "belly" exercises that I could swear that I thought she bounced? That round face is so pretty, and she uses it to nuzzle your face as she coos into your ear. And when those big earth sized blue eyes stare up at you, it melts your heart to think just 9 months earlier this girl was born at 2 pounds and 13 weeks early. If Lourdes isn't being held (which isn't often) she loves to take rides in her swing. She has a swinging chair that rocks back and forth to music, and she will talk about her day as she rides the chair from side to side. We feed her baby food that comes in a small jar. Everything from peas and carrots, to apple sauce. Lourdes hasn't learned to be selective in her dietary habit yet, and most all we have tried to feed her she was agreeable too. I thank her for coming into my life almost daily, and make a effort to spent as much time as possible with her (which has been hard when grandma is hogging her most of the time).

For Valentine's Day I put together a hard-back picture book of Lourdes' first six months in our life's. I thought what a better present to show my love then to spend my time cutting and pasting photos with captions to highlight Lourdes' accomplishments to this point. I didn't count on the task bringing me the joy it has? Looking through the photos of Lourdes during her three month stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit at Saint Mary's hospital, or the first time I got to hold her frail preemie body, and when I have shaved my head for Lulu. All the memories came flooding back to me during the week that I secretly planned out the book and worked on putting it together for Lulu. What is that saying, "It's a labor of love?" Though I'm not sure that I felt that this was laborious at all? I couldn't have gotten a better Valentine's gift then getting to indulge myself into this project, and then see the joy that it delivered when Lulu got to open the case that contained the book during our Valentines dinner. I knew that this book would be a hit, so I ordered one for grandma Nellie too. She cried when I gave her a copy. I could see that the emotions of all that has happened this last year returned, and it was so intense that she felt the need to cry? I know that this book will bring happiness to a number of people for years to come!

Monday with the kids!

Today I'm grateful for...
Seeing the sun (we haven't seen the sun in Reno for months)
Believing in the future
The excitement of new discoveries with the kids
Seeing Lulu show and teach the boys about all she going through

Today started off so nice, and finished so stressful. Today, Monday, we had a plan to take the older boys Carter and Thomas to Mom's radiation appointment at the cancer clinic. Lulu really wanted the kids to be here to see why she has been spending so much time away from home. We all were awoken early from the sound of crying. Lourdes thinks that breakfast time starts before the sun rises in the morning, and she wasn't taking waiting well this new day. Because the apartment is so cramped when Lourdes is fussy it effects us all, so everyone was up by 6 AM, and that got us all off to a early start. (but later this lack of extra sleep we going to play a large part of my stress). I could tell that Lulu was excited that she gets to show the kids what has and will continue to be a large part of her life. The UCSF clinic is just three or four blocks from our temporary home, so the walk there was only 10 minutes, and we arrived a little early for her radiation appointment. The UCSF team has been so wonderful with sharing the patient experience with our family, the radiation tech gave Carter and Thomas a tour of the machines and how things work. I'm not so sure about the effect of this lesson will have on them, but I could see the positive effect that it was having on their mother. While Lulu was in her 15 minute treatment, I ran the boys to the second floor to meet the breast clinic administration team that has also become a big part of our life's. As always the staff was unbelievably friendly to the boys and it seemed as if time stopped for that brief moment while they interacted with Carter and Thomas. I was proud that my boys were so open and talkative about their life's in Reno, their mom, school, and seeing San Francisco. I couldn't have been prouder of them at that moment. I could only think that just maybe all of the cancer stuff mom is going through is positive effect on the Wilkerson boys?

After we were all reunited with Lulu following her treatment, we wanted to have breakfast in the hospital cafeteria (call us crazy, but the food and the experience has become part of our life's). Surprisingly I have fond feelings for the basement of the UCSF hospital, even though this is the place that I spent crying and praying for Lulu just three months earlier while she was having the cancer removed from her body. I can remember the exact feelings and thoughts I was having during that morning, and these feelings weren't making me sad. Actually, just the opposite, I was feelings grateful for being past that time and that Lulu had made it through the surgery and was on the recovery. I had feelings that border on euphoria, because we all had made it this far, and we were a closer family because we endure it all. (breakfast was good too, of course we gave into the kids insistence on eating doughnuts to start their day).

Walking back to the apartment, I was feeling great about the future of not only Lulu, but also the family. I had a great thing going. How could this all feel so good? Lulu was cheerful, the kids were healthy and happy, I was breaking through the clouds that have been following me, and we were all together. I was even getting alone and even enjoying my mother-in-laws company during the trip. The sun was out and it seemed to be shining on just our family as we walked. I was hoping that the sun would shine on forever!

Alcatraz couldn't have been better! We spent the morning taking a tour of the famed Alcatraz Island Federal penitentiary, everyone really was excited about what there was to learn. (even Hamilton was stimulated by all the interesting things to see).
I wondered how many people come to San Francisco and never experience the "rock"? Just the beautiful view from Alcatraz of the city is worth the admission to the prison, and I spent most of the morning with Lourdes enjoying the view from the warden's front porch as the rest of the family saw how the hardened criminals spent their days. I sure didn't feel like a prison to me that day. I was actually feeling free and liberated. (I guess that knowing I was getting off the island in an hour or so, and not stay for an eternity had sometime to do with it?) I was almost sad while we had to leave, there was just something so peaceful about sitting in the sun and watching the busy City by the Bay from just over a mile away.

The rain began to fall as we arrived in the ferry terminal from Alcatraz Island. And we were to find out that it wasn't planning on stopping for the rest of the afternoon. I was watching the weather closely during the morning, because I was thinking about leaving the city for Reno before "The Big Storm" was forecasted to hit the Sierra Nevada mountains. It looked to me that the storm had arrived in San Francisco, and was soon to make it's way to the mountains just east of us? I told Lulu that I had thought it best if I packed up the boys and headed back to Reno this evening before the biggest part of the storm gets to the mountains. She left me with the final decision, but said that she would like us to stay longer. I knew before we were to make the trek back to Reno, I had to take Carter to Giradelli square for some ice cream. (he had been asking about getting to go there even before we made the trip down last week). So Carter, Hamilton, and I sat watching the ran fall outside the ice cream parlor as we indulged in "cows milk bliss". The rest of the family didn't want to get out of the van, due to the fact that after two or three steps you were drenched from head to toe.

Lulu told me that she was very sad as the boys and I packed up the van for the return trip to Reno. I was only thinking about how tired that I was already and I still had a 5 hour trip in the car ahead of me. I knew from experience that the drive could be much longer and extremely difficult if the snow was falling in the mountains, so i was eager to get on the road. After a lot of hugging, kissing, and I love you's we were on our way home just in time for the rush hour San Francisco traffic (I seemed to have the best timing for gridlock?). By 7 PM we had made our way the over the bay bridge and mostly through the east bay, and had been in the car for 2 hours already. The rain was falling consistently since earlier that day, and it wasn't about to let up even as we travelled further east towards Reno. The rain turned to snow just above Auburn and at first wasn't cold enough to cover the road, but soon as we climbed in elevation that was changing quickly, and the snow was covering the pavement thicker and thicker each mile we completed. Fighting the fatigue and the dangerous driving conditions, we got through to Reno just in time, because I knew that much later I might have been staying on the west side of the past for the night. We arrived safe in the house a little past 11:00 PM, and I had to wake the boys up before retiring to bed. (they sleep through all the snowy excitement and the treacherous driving conditions that challenged their daddy).

The last thing that I thought about before slipping into a deep restful sleep was, how this day had unfolded much like our family's life these last 9 months. Many euphoric highs, new experiences to challenge our learning, and then big stresses and the snowy unknown that you must just press on through no matter how difficult the situation may become. I knew as I fell asleep that I had been put to the test and I felt I had passed with flying colors. I could handle anything!

Our family time in San Francisco

Today I'm grateful for...
Making it back to Reno before the "Big Storm"
Feeling well again
Spending quality time with the family
Seeing the kids interact with their mommy

I have returned from a wonderful time with Lulu and the family in San Francisco. We thought it would be great for the kids to see where their mommy was staying in the city and why she needed to be there for so long. I really think that the older boys Carter, and Thomas really had some insightful questions about the UCSF radiation clinic, the types of treatment that patients get there, and what is cancer? We arrived on Saturday night, after driving through a snow storm in the mountains, and the kids were quite hyper after sitting in the car for 5 hours. I was so tired from the drive that I barely got my shoes off before feel into to bed. Lulu and her mom got the kids prepared for bed and I'm not sure when they all retired for the night. The apartment that Lulu is now staying in is very small (600 square foot) but well appointed with one bed room and a small kitchen. Lulu is quite happy with where she is planning on spending the next three or four weeks, and I think that for one or two people it's perfect. I was just hoping for the three nights that all of us were going to be there we didn't have any neighbors, because after the baby crying loudly for what seemed like hours and the boys rough housing around, I would have been moving out if I had been on the same floor. We made due and didn't have anyone banging on the ceiling or the walls, so let's hope that we didn't make too many enemies?

As the morning sun shown into the apartments windows, we all slowly got ready for a fun day of tourists activities. I hadn't been to the San Francisco exploratorium since I was a little boy, and I just knew that the kids were going to have a wonderful time? We arrived just as it opened and we ended having to drag the boys away from the place four hours later, because we had so much more planned. They especially liked any exhibit that made loud noises or shot things out. But I think that we spent the most time in the hearing/sound area. That's why I included the video of them playing on the Xylophones. They were so enamored by these things.

After getting lunch at the Bubba Gump shimp company at pier 39 (I had clam chowder, in case you're wondering?), we headed to the new Walt Disney museum located in the Presidio part of the city. Wow, this was very impressive. You wouldn't know from the outside how elaborate and highly aesthetic the inside turned out to be. If you like anything Disney, you would have to make this part of your visit? I guess that I left with a fascination of how one can go from having nothing to the popularity that Walt Disney had upon his passing in 1969? He accomplished the extraordinary success through hard work and surrounding himself with quality people. A little luck, I guess, also had an effect on the crazily monumental achievements of the Walt Disney company. The older boys again where very impressed and stimulated by the 2 hours of Disney culture. (except for the part of the grown man scolding Thomas loudly for tapping his hand on the glass incessantly, like some autistic kid that can't help himself). Also, there's a view from the highest point of the exhibit that I don't think can be matched in all of the city? I think this view alone was worth the $20 entrance fee?

As we found ourselves leaving the exhibit, the most wonderful sunset was creeping down to the horizon. I told Lulu that we should head over to the Golden Gate Bridge to see the sun go down over the Pacific ocean. Good choice. Being Superbowl Sunday the Golden Gate bridge state park was sparsely populated and we felt that we had the place to ourselves? The only drawback was the fact that the wind was blowing quite briskly and the temperature was bordering on freezing (though I think that it was actually in the 50's). I really took enjoyment of seeing the kids race each other up and down the walkway of the bridge, doing there best to avoid the little number of people that we passed. As I walked with Lulu over the bridge, I was trying to remember whether or not I had ever walked a crossed the GG bridge before. I couldn't come up with an answer. Not that it really mattered, because this time was more special then anything that I could have done before. I was crossing one of the great architectural wonders of the world, that many people near get to see, let alone touch, with the most colorful bright sunset satisfying my eyes you could ever imagine, healthy/spirited children running around me the whole way, and the most wonderful beautiful woman by my side. I was pondering as I walked by the tall fencing along the rail (to prevent desperate souls from jumping off) how could anyone ever thing about ending this life; when there's so much more in this world to grab ahold of and enjoy?

I was so tired at this day's end I had a huge headache (I have been fighting a head cold for a couple of days now, so I haven't been feeling the best). It was all I could do to drag myself into the apartment's door and fall into the bed that I was sharing with Lulu and our three year old Hamilton. Tomorrow was another busy day, we were going to take the boys to the UCSF cancer clinic to see how mommy's been spending her days/weeks, and I wanted to make sure that I had enough energy to enjoy it as much as I had today?