My sister visits to help

Today I'm thankful for...

Being healthy Loving relationships with my wife and kids

Having wonderful people to work with at the office

Spending time with Lourdes

Sometimes Lulu and I almost forget that we're facing this battle with cancer. She says that she feels good since end of last week, but I'm not sure that she just wants to put on a "good face"? She hasn't lost her hair yet, but I've noticed cards, magazines, and brochures on all various kinds of hair replacement techniques. From full wigs to half wigs and then a scarf or hat on top. I know that she's been told by all the professionals that she would be losing her hair any time now. What's the chance that they could be wrong? We're both were anticipating with trepidation our trip tomorrow to UCSF. I know that I'm going to make as many contacts and learn about as many people's lives as I can. I hope that we run into our new breast cancer friend Kate. I want to befriend her. I'm not sure why? Maybe because I think that it will give both Lulu and I someone else to share the experiences that we all have been thrust into. I find myself praying that others are getting healthier, just as others have been praying for our family.

For this trip, I had the idea of having the boys, Carter and Thomas, make cards to hand out personally to patients in the infusion center at UCSF. So last Saturday and Sunday I told Lulu my idea and she sat down with the boys to make 30 cards for the patients going through their struggles. In the cards I wanted the boys to write these phases, "Sending you a smile, We care about you, and Wishing you good health." I want to make a difference in just one person's life! My sister and her niece our coming to Reno to be with the kids while Lulu and I go for treatment and tests in SF.

My sister's been great help many times in the last few years. She came to sit with me after my second back surgery last summer, and was here for us when Baby Lourdes was a new born premature baby and struggling in the NICU at St. Mary's. I've never had much of a relationship with my sister Lori, since my parents separated when I was 7 years old (Lori was 12), and my sister lived with our father and I went to live with my mother after the divorce. How funny how life (God) gives us these challenges and we sometimes don't see the positive that come out of the experiences (I have found a sister that I never really knew and in the process of building a relationship with her). Hopefully, she can stay a little longer so we can learn more about each other?

Another positive, though it may seem almost immaterial, is that we're making our trips to SF in the summer time. Trying to make the trip to UCSF every other week over the snowy and sometimes closed highway I-80 pass would be a gamble at best. Lulu is teaching me to always see the positive though the most trying of times. I'm learning so much more about myself during these last two months. Thank you Lulu for teaching me to be a better person! We're off to make our journey tomorrow for the 2nd chemotherapy treatment, and to make some new relationships. I'm just praying to God that the experience is emotionally and physically healing for Lulu? I look forward to sharing a new part of my life with the most important person in my life.

Current events in the world

Today I'm thankful for...
I found a new love, SYNERGY all natural drink
Spending most of the day with my son Carter
My iPhone (now I think I mentioned that before?)
How great my wife and our relationship is!

If you haven't noticed, I changed the website to a more fitting "Pink Ribbon" decor. If this is the first time on our Molina-Wilkerson caringbridge site, you'll have a idea what I'm talking about. So, sorry to confuse you.

I know that I said that I'd have a link to a calendar for everyone that would like to be involved in helping us through this trying time, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm working on it. Also, you may have noticed that when I get time, I will fill in the holes in this journal. So, you may want to go back to previous days and see if I have added a happening here or there (or you may not want to also).

I have been thinking about this journal in the last two days and how adding important events going on in the world as we struggle through this difficult time in our lives? I have seen other people keep there thoughts in chronological form and use some significant "news of the day" to relate their experiences? So, I though "great idea" let's begin in today with some recent "significant events".

I started thinking I would write something first about Michael Jackson "the singer/dancer" dying, but I could remember the date or really any of the details of his death, so I'm not sure how "significant" though I guess news worthy his passing was?

Then today I had heard that the 20 year old space shuttle program at NASA could have it's last shuttle ever orbiting the earth? I heard on the radio they can't solve the heat tiles falling off the main fuel tanks on take off? And as we all found out a short while back that these tiles can be catastrophic to the survival of the shuttle on earth's re-entry. But then I thought well it's been 20 years and as I understand it; the program was ending soon anyway, so how "significant" is that?

So how about the two fires burning north of Reno for three days now (Redrock and another), but then again we have umpteen fires a year around here. Unless you live in this fire's path, not so sure that that's "significant"?

Then it came to me! The countries recession, now that has to be "significant" after all it effects us all? But when I really analyze the facts; I began to think recessions are cyclic and this one will end like the one did in 1984, or 1992. Maybe the "significance" to this thought is that most things in life change constantly around us if we wait long enough, so our family's "significant negative events" will become positive with time. and the only thing being "significant" to me at this time was the fact that my wife gets better, and that our baby comes home healthy!

I know that I've been talking mostly from my perspective in this blog (someone mentioned to me that what I was doing here is called blogging, and that people do this a lot on-line to document their lives, at first I thought they said I was BRAGGING not blogging; I'm not sure that they aren't closely related?) Anyway, so I wanted to make sure that Lulu's perspective was also included (at least once). So, I pried a little for her to voice her opinion, worries, and thoughts on everything that's been going on. Her answer to me was that she's only worried about what happens tomorrow. "It's to late to worry about today, and there's no reason to worry about what happens after tomorrow". (I was sure that she was quoting someone with that one. If not, that's why I love her so much. Lulu's has that ability to grab a hold of the short term, and never really even touch the future). It donned on me that's how she can stay so positive in the face of her diagnosed breast cancer! I'm starting to believe that I married Wonderwoman, but instead of her wearing that red, white, and blue superhero costume; she has been sent to me wearing a thin cloak, and I have began to see parts of the white feathery wings; only to be seen by me. I long for a time; one where I might be engulfed by those guardian wings most will never see in their lifetimes. How truly lucky I can say that I am!

Both Lulu and I went to see Lourdes today at different times. She has been moved again to a spot that she knows well. One week ago Lourdes was moved from this same position all the way a crossed the room. Now she's back to her familiar place by the window in the "Pink" room. She looked good today to both of us. There's not a day that goes by that we don't hold her now (except for the day or two that we've been in SF). Lourdes has the thin face and body. She has the look of Thomas our 6 year old, but the eyes of her mommy (let's just hope the brains of her daddy?) She has her eyes open many times when we first arrive to hold her. Lulu and I believe that she knows our voices and is trying to see her mommy and daddy? Just a subtle thing like that is "significant" to us, especially since for the first two weeks of her life we didn't get to see her eyes or hear her voice. I love just being there holding her close and looking into those eyes, and hearing her breathing.

All of us with kids should remember to look into our kids eyes frequently, and if their too old we can't listen to their breathing, listen to them talking. After all this, I don't take even the smallest events for granted, because one day when those kids have grown up you may no longer get those chances to look into their eyes, hear their voices, or hold their hands? I know that I can't share enough time with my family.

I think that I really like this BLOGGING thing, but only because I get brag too as I put all my thoughts down. I'm finding that this is kind of therapy for me and it helps me look forward to my tomorrows?

What can I give up???

Today I'm grateful for...
Sun shine spreading happiness
Feeling good about the future
Loving what I get to do daily (practicing dentistry)
Seeing Baby Lourdes
Reading books to the boys in bed

I don't want to confess to this, because everyone will probably hold me to it. But I told Lulu that as she goes through her chemotherapy treatment and has to give up many things temporally (feeling good, practicing at the office, her hair, being away from Lourdes when getting treatments in SF, etc.) that I would walk with her in the sacrifice shoes. At first I told her that i would give up nagging her about being messy, but she thought I could do better? So, I struggled with this (for those who know me well, this is a hard one) but I told Lulu that I would give up drinking Coke. (Cold turkey) I can't believe that I just wrote that; let alone said that I would do that??? I have very little vices. I've never smoked, haven't drank alcohol for close to ten years, never liked gambling, had to give up womanizing when I met Lulu, but the Coke (not Pepsi) thing was a habit that I've had for years. It's been two weeks, and I'm doing great (I did have two cokes, oops; in the fourteen days). I would have been fine if I stopped there, but I had to also mention that I was going to loss 15 pounds from my 205 pound frame by the end of Lulu's chemotherapy sessions. What was I thinking? I joked with Lulu that I might have the more difficult task? I was going to have to starve myself with rice cakes, low fat everything, and all those bland foods that dieters have to eat. Worse yet, I can't even wash them down with Coke? Who's sacrificing here? Lulu hasn't been holding me to my promises yet, but I'm determined to follow through.

My wife never fails to amaze me! She's now 4 days post first chemotherapy session, and is as positive as ever (even though she tired all the time, sick half the time, and says that her bones hurt everyday). I pray that she keeps this attitude though out this whole fight. Lots of friends that have dealt with cancer in there own lives, say that attitude is a huge part of the success of the treatment. If that's the case, Lulu got this cancer thing beat!

I got to hold Baby Lourdes right after leaving the office today. She was more beautiful then yesterday (as I knew she would be). The nurses said that "she had a good day" (not always sure exactly what that means). All I know is I had a good day, because I got the chance to hold her and kiss her little head. Earlier Lulu said that she brought her mom and Hamilton to the NICU for a visit. Lulu's mom returns to Puerto Rico tomorrow, so she wanted one more chance to see Lourdes. It turns out that Hamilton's first encounter with his little sister was a show stopping event? Anyone that attends Sunday mass with the Molina-Wilkerson family knows that Hamilton can talk quite loudly when he should be using his "inside voice". I guess from the nurse report, he was just talking about "Baby Lourdes" and saying "Baby Lourdes no crying", "Hamilton loves baby Lourdes". How cute 2.5 year olds can be? I was happy that the staff at the NICU unit let Hamilton visit his baby sister. Again that level of service delivered by St. Mary's that isn't taught, it's natural.

I find my self looking forward to the next rip down to UCSF. I think that the quality time spent with Lulu (even though it's no vacation) has strengthened our bond as husband and wife? But I'm ready for the reaching out and touching others dealing with cancer. My goal next week when we visit the clinic is to make a difference in three peoples life's. I already have some ideas. Stay turned, as they may surprise you? I know that I'm surprising myself everyday!

Again thank you all for the prayers and support. Lulu been reading the guestbook entries and she has told me that they make her day a little brighter. I don't think we can get her too much love and support. Also, I plan on having a link to a calendar page for persons to help us with dinners, errands, etc., and it should be ready by Friday? I will let you know when that's ready.

Lulu as a strawberry blond

Today I'm thankful for...
Having a house to live in
Cousins being here for our kids to play with
Having Lulu's sister Ibis here to support us
Prepared food by Lulu's mom

I had a really great day at the office today. Dr. Zeff helped with the patient flow and the training of the team, so the day was very busy but ran about smoother then I had expected. The caring and support is so wonderful. Parents have been so great, words can't explain how much pressure is taken off me and Lulu knowing we have such beautiful people to surround us. The days that I'm seeing patients are almost surreal. I feel as if I'm living in two totally separate realities. The Dr. Wilkerson; who is strong, funny, high energy, and decisive while I'm interacting with the patients and their parents, and the Daddy J.; the father and husband that is emotional, loving, and many times non-committal. Sometimes, while I'm doing a dental examination (that's when we look into the kid's mouth say a lot of big medical sounding words but actually are doing nothing) I'm surprise myself with what comes of my mouth (I probably surprise the patients, parents too?) I just say what comes to mind and it's genuine. I'm attached to both these two persons. Who can say they actually get a chance to wear so many hats/faces everyday in life or at least a few times each week? I guess the reason that I'm sharing the above information is that I think that many people (especially one's very close to Lulu and I are surprised by my ability to share my true feelings though this website and now their seeing what I feel in person) have never seen me in this light and they are concerned about my well being. Thank you all for praying for both Lulu and I and being genuinely concerned for both of us. (Oh, by the way; thank you for the book; "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver you know how you are?).

Lulu slept well last night considering the circumstances. I heard her get up once and she told me that she needed to take some Ibuprofen for the bone pain (the Neulastin can cause the long bones to be painful as they produce white blood cells rapidly to help the body fight infections). It a little weird to see my wife taking two or three naps per day, and sleeping in until 7 or later. Lulu is normally very high energy for 16 hours of the day and needs very little sleep. With the chemo; she's just tired all the time.

Lulu, her mom, and sister went wig shopping today. Everyday that passes she's getting closer to the big event of loosing her hair. I was thinking today about what I'd look like without hair. I was washing my hands in the bathroom between patients and I pulled back my hair to admire what I saw in the mirror. I was just thinking that I'm going to make "one scary old looking bald guy"! I really want to support Lulu in any manner possible, this would just be a very small sacrifice I cold make (I'm just glad that it's summer time, the sacrifice would be much greater in the cold of winter).

I went to see Lourdes tonight. I arrived at about 7:45 and she was sleeping (what she does 90% of the time). After taking her temperature, changing her diaper (yes it was stinky) she was mine for the next two hours. It's so hard to describe the felling of holding her close to your chest and seeing those cute little eyes occasionally peeking up at you. She was up and down with her O2 saturation. The nurse had to stay close to increase Baby Lourdes' oxygen flow to keep her satisfied. We have gotten used to her frequent desaturation, but would like to see her more stable. Lourdes is now on a alternating feeding schedule. She gets mommy breast milk once every 6 hours and formula once every 6 hours (they tell me that their are more vitamins in the formula then Lulu's breast milk) all I know is that Lourdes has been a little pig in the last couple of weeks. She has now almost doubled her weight. (close to 4 pounds). I said a little prayer for her and sang her happy 6 weeks old birthday song (it's the same song you sign on your first birthday, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Lourdes, Happy Birthday to you"). I hated putting her back in the isolette for the night, but I worried I might drop her on the floor as I started to nod off I was so tired. Tomorrow night the nurse told me that I could give Lourdes a real water bath if I came to the NICU unit around 8:00 PM. I was pretty excited about that prospect, and ask if I could bring her a little yellow rubber ducky?

I rushed home to spend time with Lulu, the boys, and their cousins; before getting some sleep. Lulu's sister and the boys cousins were returning to Texas tomorrow, so we all said our heart felt goodbys. I had another long day tomorrow as we arrive in the office by 6:15 to prepare for patients at 7:00 AM. It was off to bed time.

Lourdes loses her premature look

Today I'm thankful for...
Making new friends
Having the support and love from friends and family
Being able to love someone as much as I do my wife
Sharing memories with my family

I haven't given an update on Baby Lourdes for a few days. I went to the hospital yesterday to hold her from 9:00 to 11:30 AM. She is really looking like a little girl. There was a exciting event that happened while I was snuggling her. The respiratory therapist thought that she could be placed on low flow O2 (from the hight flow that she's been on for the last three weeks, and he changed out her oxygen unit while I was holding her. The RT needed to closely monitor Lourdes for the next hour and she did great. One of the issues that Lourdes is continuing to experience is becoming Bradycardic (her heart either slows it's pace to inefficiently oxygenate her or stops all together). In the past few weeks she has shown this trend many times in a 24 hour period. Secondly, she just forgets to breath occasionally (I know that sounds kind of simple, but premature infant do this regularly) and this causes her not to get enough O2 also. Since Lourdes has been regularly doing the above, I was a little concerned that she wouldn't tolerate the low flow O2 well? I was proven wrong. Baby Lourdes did well the whole 2 hours I was there (she did have one Bradycardic episode).

I love all my four kids, but this holding time I get with Lourdes is extra special little girl and her Daddy time that my boys never got. (I was very involved in their feedings, diaper changes, and holdings but with the boys it had a different feel). I almost feel a guilty that Lourdes is getting so much bonding with daddy. I have made sure that the boys get time with their mommy, and I know that I need to make sure that they still knows that their dad loves them and wants to be with them?

Mommy and I got a chance to return at 7:30 PM. Since I was the holder this morning, I left all tonight's snuggling to Lulu. As she held her saying a little prayer into Lourdes ear, I just absorbed the moment. I was trying to become one with my wife and Lourdes as I sat looking at the two embrace tightly. I couldn't take my thoughts away from the cancer. Lulu looked so happy, vibrant, healthy. How could this insidious mutant be invading her space and interrupting our lives. After 20 minutes of just watching the two bond as only and mommy and baby can, I excused myself to the NICU waiting area until they had finished. (I actually fell a sleep for an hour on the couch). I couldn't stay there and watch for it was depressing me, and the hardest thing that I have no control what happens next.

Chemotherapy just sucks

Lulu's been feeling OK so far two days after the first course of chemotherapy. Her sister gave her the Neulasta medication injection yesterday, which will be needed after every chemotherapy session to keep her white blood cell counts high to fight infections. Her younger sister, Ibis, is a dentist; so you would think that she's comfortable with giving shots, but I think she was worried about possibly injecting it the wrong way and wasting the $2500 each 20 cc injection costs? She gave the shot after much deliberations and about 25 minutes for the whole event.

Last night Lulu woke feeling nauseous and took some medications to ward off the vomiting. She's having muscle and bone aches, but she was told to be expect this in that first 72 hours post first infusion treatment. She has kept her appetite so far, but certain smells cause her a queasy stomach.

She has talked again about the best way to loose her hair; let it fall out naturally, cut it off when it starts to fall out, get a head scarf, or get a wig. I wish I could help her with the choice, but only she can decide what's the best for her? I did tell her that I would cut off my hair (what little I have, it's grey but I have some) when she loses her hair, but I wasn't going for the blond wig like she was talking about wearing after she lost her hair! I'm sure that Dr. Wilkerson not having hair would cause quite a stir around the kids at Dentistry for Kids???

Lulu's taking her mom tonight to see Baby Lourdes and give her a bath. Lourdes did not have the best night on the low flow O2. They told us that she had 5 or 6 bradycardic events through the night, and they needed to return her to the high flow oxygen. So much for the small win yesterday, but it's all in the plight that's been her first 6 weeks of life. I hope that Lourdes does well (no bradycardic events or desaturations for Lulu and Grandma tonight?).

As it gets later in the evening, I'm getting excited about going into the office and seeing patients tomorrow. I changed the office schedule to accommodate me spending both more time with my wife, and my baby in the intensive care unit. I just appreciate the patient's and their parents that have been so understanding about the schedule changes, and so supportive of both Lulu and I during this difficult time. I also have to commend my team of employees. They have had to deal with the changes and make the necessary adjustments to their routines They are such a large part of why Dentistry for Kids has been successful beyond our dreams. Without our great patients, parents, and staff we could never have gotten to where we are.

Thanks to you all!!!

We cried all the way through "Wicked"

Today I'm thankful for...

Having a hot shower

Spending quality to together with Lulu

Being able to walk

My new wind breaker

God

Last night I had gotten Lulu and I tickets to the play Wicked at the Orpheum Theater. On our last anniversary (April 26, 2009, just wanted to get that in here again that I know our anniversary date) we had planned on coming to SF for an overnight stay (I had booked a better hotel then the "rusty door") and see the play. I think that we scrapped those plans due to a child care issue? So, I made sure the next time we had a chance to be here we would go. We ended up at UCSF (Parnassus) with the cardio testing, and the blood test around 5:30 PM, so we had enough time to get a bite to eat (A place on Divisidero called Godzilla's, funny that they didn't have a Godzilla roll on the menu), and then after dropping off some items at the hotel, we went to the mall on Market street (who would of thought that we'd of all people end up at the mall, haha).

Actually, we were there to find me a wind breaker, because I had forgotten to bring a coat to SF, and I was freezing in the 65 degree weather. As we walked the streets of SF making our way to the theater, Lulu received a phone call. It was the breast surgeon from the UCSF clinic that was to do Lulu's surgery after the chemo. As it turns out she had some bad news (what's new). The biopsy of the other tumors in the right breast and the lymph nodes on that side were positive for malignancy; and not just that, the MRI shows the left breast has a mass that is very suspicious. She would like the mass to be biopsied in the nest two weeks, if not tomorrow? Our enjoyment of SF and the Wicked show was tainted at best!

We cried through most of the show, and try to enjoy it as much as possible? How do you enjoy anything when you don't know the whole fate of your life? We were embarrassed when at intermission a lady sitting near us came over to hold Lulu's hands and pray for her; after Lulu confessed to her we were so emotional because she had just recently learned that she had breast cancer. I pointed out to Lulu how much people cared about her, even one's that don't know her! A little consolation in a bleak evening.

We woke this morning with renewed optimism, but I could tell that Lulu was worried about starting chemotherapy. What do you say to someone that's about to get injected with poisonous liquids that are supposed to kill the cancer cells, but will at the same time almost kill you? We are to met the oncologist at 11:30 and then start the chemotherapy drugs shortly after. I ask her to let me pray out load with her the first time that I have prayed for her out load in her presence. After I was finished, I have never more love for anything or anybody in my entire 43 years.