Lulu's message to all

It has been some crazy six months.

During this time I have learn to look at life, my faith, my family and friends in such a different way.

I knew that there is good, but I have been amaze of how amazing human kind is. It has been so humbling to feel the prayers, support and help we have received the last six months.

From praying for Lourdes, our family and I.

To cards, notes, treats, ~(like Holly water from the Virgin of Lourdes (WOW!), books, blankets)~ emails that has made my days and lift my spirits specially during those bad days that I keep to myself.

All those other things you all have done, like the way I know my kids are taken care of and love at school (like during Thomas Kinder graduation and more) and when with friends (specially during the summer times)..., complementary hotels stays, a great friend driving with me to a long medical appointment, beautiful scrap book pages for Lourdes album, free babysitting so I could go to the hospital to visit Lourdes for 4 hours in the morning during her long stay at the NICU, dropping off and giving us free formula for Lourdes, traveling from far (like Puerto Rico, Texas and CA) to be with me during chemo and to help with the kids, having the Swans driver drop a ton of yummy food, special rosary made/blessed for us, having a friends and family do the race for the cure with my name on their shirts...

To amazing and delicious meals that gave me the opportunity to spend more quality times with my kids and family without having to worry about what is for dinner tonight, groceries and the cooking. It all allow me to rest but also help the boys with their home work, go their baseball games, even attend breast cancer support groups.

For the support of my loving husband that has been by my side with hair and no hair days, during long drives, when I have felt tired and overwhelm. The sincere and giving spirit of my sisters and mom and all their encouragement and all their long distance trips to be here for my family and I . From in-laws that are there to help when we need the most. For the opportunity to get closer to distant relatives and for the opportunity to know them better and in a different light.

Thanks for all your advise and stories. They all have help and given me strength to endure some the difficult appointments and have made the decision making process easier.

Sorry that I have not quick to reply, but I will guaranty to all of you that I am grateful of all and all your kindness have made a difference during this journey.

I can feel how God has been walking by my side every step of the way and how he will be with me during this next step.

As a mother and wife I pray to Mary to help me be strong for my family and friends.

At the end of this journey we will all be different (I think we already are), there is no doubt that we will be closer to GOD.

The last six months have been the best time in my life.

Thanks to you all, Thanks for you friendship, support and specially prayers. Thanks for all you done...

I could not have done this without any of you.

God Bless,

Hugs

~Lulu~

Lourdes' hernia surgery is postponed

Today I'm thankful for...

Having 4 kids

Being able to spend the day with the family

Getting outside for a walk (even if it was dark)

A warm house (it was very cold today)

On Friday Lulu and I made the scheduled trip to Lourdes' surgeon for a consultation about the scheduled December 10th hernia surgery. We had the ever whiny Hamilton with us for this visit, and let me tell you he was in one of those moods (where he was fussing, or crying about most everything around him), so I was putting out fires and Lulu was trying to concentrate on Lourdes' appointment with the surgeon. After we all were escorted back to an small examination room (one barely large enough for two people and we had two adults and two child), we waited a short time for the Physician assistant to arrive. They weighed Lourdes (she weighed in at a whopping 12.5 pounds), gave her a RSV vaccination, and spent what seems like a lot of time feeling/examining her lower abdomen. We got some really good news. It seems the PA or the surgeon couldn't palpate the hernias today, and they want to wait another 3 to 6 months before seeing Lourdes again for a check-up. I was left wondering if she was going to be able to avoid the surgery altogether? Her little belly is so small, how could they even feel the hernias in the first place? Anyway, I'm not going to be complaining here, because I'm really extremely happy that our family has avoided at least one surgery this year. Lulu and I looked at each other and I could see the surprise in her eyes. I had a smile as big as the grand canyon inside, and I felt a great relief lifting off my shoulders. I wondered could our families fortunes get any better? The good new lately was becoming frequent, and I just hoped that it would hold out for Lulu's cancer surgery on Tuesday?

Tomorrow we'll be packing the bags and traveling down to San Francisco to prepare for the operation week. Lulu has been eerily quite these last few days, and I'm not sure how to respond? I know that I'm nervous about the week ahead, and I'm sure that she thinking about how the trips going to unfold? I've been walking (a 4 mile route) everyday this week. Mostly I want time to think and pray for the success of this next week in SF. I have had nothing but positive thoughts about how it all is to turn out, and I refuse to let doubt creep into my mind. Knowing all the prayers that everyone is bestowing onto Lulu makes me feel great and blessed that we have such a large support group. Lulu is facing this surgery so bravely, and as when she was first diagnosed with this aggressive breast cancer, I'm standing on emotionally shaky ground. I find myself trying to sleep though a lot of these last 4 or 5 days, but my attempts aren't as successful as I'd like? As tired as I've been lately, I don't feel like I've had a good night's sleep for 4 months now? (having a new premature infant isn't helping either). This is going to be a trying week; Lulu having the surgery, being away from the boys for 5 or 6 days, getting the results of the surgery diagnosis, staying in a bed that's not my own, sharing a temporary home with my sister-in-law Doris, and being the main nurturer for Lourdes while Lulu recovers. I just pray that I can be the atlas upon all the stress can be supported? I'm just so glad that my back is feeling strong!!!

Lourdes returns to the intensive care unit at Saint Mary's

Today I'm thankful for...

Having a wonderful team of humanitarians to care for Lourdes in the hospital

Great people to work daily with at Dentistry for Kids

God looking out for Lulu during her surgery and the recovery period

A strong wife

Today we made a return to where the crazy events of the last 6 months started, St. Mary's hospital. Lulu, Dr. Zeff, our boys, Lourdes, and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 with gifts to thank the staff for getting us through these difficult times. We had came with Pumpkin pies, brownies, Oral-B power brushes (for after they eat all the sweets), and Lourdes' birth announcements. Since leaving the hospital on August 23rd, we haven't been back to visit until tonight. It was nice to acknowledge the people that took care of our little girl and give her a chance to live a long, healthy life. We are indebted to these super care givers, and wanted them to see the love of our life as a 12 pound healthy little girl.

When we arrived in the NICU unit we were told that they haven't been that busy lately, so many of the nurses that cared for Lourdes weren't there this evening. We got to catch up with a few of the nurses and share Lourdes with them for a while, and leave the goodies for them all to enjoy. It really felt good seeing these gals, and even better giving them a glimpse of want their efforts have helped Lourdes become. I can't tell you how much these wonderful people have touched our lives and helped Lourdes (and us) get through those first 3 months of her life. This wasn't even close to being able to pay back every one's efforts for Lourdes' care, but it's the only thing we knew to do to try to show our appreciation.

Less than a week to the surgery

Today I'm grateful for...

Being able to keep a journal of my life's experiences

Loving caring children

Getting a chance to change peoples life's

My good health

Lulu's surgery is less then one week away. We haven't had much of an opportunity to discuss the details of the kids schedule, surgery schedule in SF, or the expectations of the surgery. I'm planning on getting some time to spend alone with her to share the expectation of the next week and really the next few months while she is recovering? I know that the whole event is weighing heavily on Lulu conscious, and that she is a little scared about having this major operation.

I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but what so you way to someone that's having a major surgery? Especially one that effects her womanhood? Lulu's been so strong through all this and seeing her deal with the adversity helps me be strong. I know that I have my moments, but I'm trying to keep myself busy not to think about everything that happened to Lulu and everything that's coming up?

I've included this picture above because Lulu was so proud of her "bump" while she was pregnant with Lourdes.

Lulu and I get engaged in Las Vegas

Today I'm grateful for...

A restful weekend

Great friends that care

Private time with my wife

Beautiful fall weather

Today I was thinking about when I first knew that I wanted to marry Lulu Molina. I remember wondering if there's any true way to know if a person is the right one to spend the rest of your life with?

Lulu and I had been dating for three years and it was time to move forward or move on. Before the engagement trip to Las Vegas, I had made some uncharacteristic (for me) relationship decisions during the time that Lulu and I have been together. We began our courtship just as I was finishing my dental school education, and I had been preparing for the California Dental examination for 6 months, and knew that I had to follow through attempting to be licensed to practice dentistry in California. The preparation for dental exams is quite extensive and costly, plus I really had my mind set on practicing in California or in a state near there. Since Lulu and I had only been dating for a few months there wasn't a lot of relationship expectations when I graduated in June 1993, and I packed up my car for the long drive to California. Lulu and I had discussed our feelings about a future and I had always made it clear to her that I wanted to return to the west coast to live.

Even with all the uncertainty, I knew that after I had taken the exam in California, I was going to return to Ohio and continue my courtship with Lulu. That's is exactly what I did. I arrived back in Columbus in July 1993. Lulu and I not only continued our relationship, but we also grew our love and respect for each other. The next 2 years Lulu and I spending an incredible amount of time together. Our many conversations ended in us about moving to California once Lulu finished her Pediatric dental residency. Lucky for me, Lulu was open to the idea, but if, and only if, we had made a long term promise to continue our life together in marriage.

I made the decision to spend the rest of my life with this wonderfully woman when my father died after having a massive stoke in 1996. My father passed on only living 57 years in this world. (see the picture above my father at 18 years of age he is on the right and his younger brother on the left. He looks a lot like me with darker hair?). Lulu and I had just travelled to California 6 months earlier in part so she could meet my father. I never had much of a chance to get to know the man that 28 years earlier was there to introduce me to the world, but his passing did awaking my since of immortality. His death helped me see that you must sometimes take calculated chances in life, and if you want for everything to be perfect you just might never live? I knew that my relationship with Lulu wasn't without concerns, but if I really wanted to life I needed to take a step out side of my box. So, before the trip to California to attend my father's funeral and wake, I made a plan for the rest of my life.

As a graduating dental student my financial picture was ladened with debt (I finished dental school owning enough money to buy a decent home in 1993), so I was stressed about how I was to come up with equal to one's month salary for an diamond engagement ring (luckily I was only making about $2500/month as a dental associate two days a week and part time faculty member)? I spent the better of 2 months researching diamonds, setting, and cost of rings by visiting most of the jewelry stores in the greater Columbus area (I wasn't using the internet at the time, because I could have saved myself a lot of time). After much trepidation I finally choose a 1 carat round diamond in a gold plain band. I can tell you that the process was much more involved then I would have imagined, but I was so excited that I was going to "pop the question" and ask for Lulu's hand in marriage.

I was to travel to Puerto Rico with Lulu to visit her family for the Thanksgiving holidays and I figured what a perfect opportunity to approach Lulu's father about asking her for her hand in marriage? I don't remember being nervous asking her father to marry her even though I didn't know him very well at all. I just knew that this was the Puerto Rican custom and I was expected to honor it. I think that someone had prepared Lulu's father for my approach, because he didn't seemed surprised by my wanting to marry his middle daughter? Maybe he just liked me and he was happy to get her married off? In any event, he said that I had his blessing and wanted to know when and what our plan was up until the big day? I said that when we knew that he be one of the first to know the plan, and I then turned to thoughts to when and how I was to propose marriage?

We had planned on taking a trip in February to Las Vegas to look at a specific dental practice that we had hoped to practice in, and I know that I was going to ask her to marry me sometime during that trip? So, I set the plan for engagement in motion. I had only been to Las Vegas once before, but I remembered that there were many fun activities for adults there. I have been accused over the 15 years we've been together that I can't remember the details of the important events of our past; however, I can tell you that I remember every second of the day leading up to the time that I asked Lulu to marry me. I was so tense that everything would go as planned, not that she would say yes, but that one of us would get sick after the dinner, or that the helicopter that we were to ride on wouldn't have engine trouble? The day was just flowing magnificently, and when we stepped onto the helicopter I wasn't sure that I could keep up my nerve to ask the question? (I didn't plan on the fact that you have to wear headphones on helicopters, and you couldn't talk to each other on the 45 minute adventure). Lucky, I didn't have to say anything. I just took out the ring box and opened it up to show Lulu and she knew what my intentions were. She nodded with her head forward and back and I took that to mean yes she wanted to marry me? (I just that her head might have been rocking back and forth from the jerky up and down motions of the copter?). I know as we arrived to the helipad my emotions were all over the place. Would I be a good husband, what comes next, how does one act once engaged? I knew that the answers would come in time, and the real important part was that Lulu and I were in love and now on that journey to spending the rest of our lives together.

Lourdes gives my life perspective

Today I'm thankful for...

My appreciation for life

Spending a great day with Lourdes

Playing with Hamilton

Getting to clean the garage (not everyone even has one)

I can't stop thinking about how far Lourdes has come in her short 5 months of life? It still amazing to think that just 10 years ago Lourdes' probability to have an normal healthy life when being born 3.5 months earlier then planned, would be much lower then it is today. She is growing and developing better then we could have expected for a full term baby. Today Lulu and I met at the neonatal pulmonary doctors office to access Lourdes' growth and development. She's the wonder child. Can you believe that she weighs 12 pds, and is in the 75 percentile for her adjusted age (even though Lourdes is actually 5.1 months old, her due date was September 1 and her adjusted age is 2.1 months). The doctor made an observation that completely summed up Lourdes' progress, "if I didn't already know that this little girl wasn't born at 26 weeks, I would have any idea why she is here today?" How that's more then we could have hoped for this appointment. Another building block for the Molina -Wilkerson family.

I spent most of the rest of the day caring for Lourdes and playing with Hamilton. I so cherish these father/daughter times, and while Hamilton took his afternoon nap, Lourdes and I alternated between feeding, snuggling, and changing her diaper. She wanted to be awake for much of our sharing time. As Lourdes laid in my lap, I was mesmerized by how she likes to reach her arms up to the sky and roll those tiny hands into fists. I would play with her toes and see if I can get her to smile for me? We play tuppie, tuppie (rubbing noses together) and I talk to her as if she knows exactly what I'm saying? Each day I learn something new from her. Today Lourdes lets out a Elmo like cackle as I tickle her belly, and she squeals with delight as make raspberries with my mouth. I find it difficult to put her down in the bassinet or the baby swing. I know that our time together will come to an end with Mommy returns home with the other boys (or Hamilton wakes from his nap), but for now Lourdes and I are the only people in the whole universe.

The surgery looms ahead

Today I'm thinking about...

Being the best person I can be

End of another successful week

A super duper cute baby to care for

My wife's strength

Lulu and I finally had a chance to talk about the looming surgery at UCSF in two weeks. She has decided with much thought and trepidation that the best option for her surgery in two weeks is to have the bi-lateral mastectomy only, and have breast implant surgery post radiation and hormone treatments. So, lulu feels that after weighing all the options this is the has the best long term success rate for her. I could see and hear the relief she had making the final choice, and setting her mind onto the next stage of recovery. I'm just happy that she could move past the difficult process of what is best for me, especially when their are benefits and disadvantages to all the options.

We reviewed just what was to happen during the November 16th surgery week? We will arrive in SF on Sunday evening to prepare for the week long surgical experience. Monday Lulu has a number of pre-surgical appointments and Tuesday she will be having the surgery at 6AM. Her recovery in patient will be minimally until Friday, and with luck we will be returning to Reno either Friday night late, or possibly Saturday AM? I know that I'm eager to move past this stage of the breast cancer experience, and I sure that Lulu is even more anxious that I to get this over with?