Were looking forward to the holidays (to forget about the medical issues)

Today I'm grateful for...
Computers
The up coming holidays with family
Thinking clearly through all the adversity
My kids

I've had good intentions about updating everything that's been happening in our lives, but my computer been having some issues and wouldn't hold a charge. Hopefully, that little problem is behind us? Where do I begin? Lulu and I have another trip down to see the doctors at the cancer clinic this Wednesday. I believe the agenda has her seeing the oncologist, the plastic surgeon, the gynecologist, getting her monthly shot to reduce her estrogen levels, and having a ultrasound done on her ovaries. Wow, now that's a complete day?

We are hoping the answers that we hear are positive for Lulu's health. On our last visit with the oncologist just a week ago, Lulu was told that she "might want to have her ovaries out"? I could see that she wasn't real excited about the suggestion, but I think that both of us knew that the prospect with there. Later we would discuss why her ovaries were taken out during one of her other 3 or 4 surgeries? Now she's looking at another surgery possibility coming up? Just maybe will we get some news during our appointments on Wednesday, and that she might not need to have this surgery? I think though we both know that having this procedure would help improve her health.

A Busy Halloween

Today I'm thinking about...
The balance between being busy and having enough time
Filling my days with sharing time with my kids
Seeing the great in all those around me
Having so many people that care so much

What busy week. After returning from San Francisco on Saturday afternoon with Lulu, the week has been filled with many family pack togetherness and work. Of course we have been keeping an eye on Lulu's healing after Friday's surgery. I think that the first two or three days was difficult for her to recover her energy? By Tuesday she seemed to have some of the Molina spunk back? I've always heard about patients that are dealing with cancer treatments starting out strong, but after a while the accumulative effects of all the emotional ups and downs just really begin to wear them down. I think this is exactly what has been happening to Lulu (and me)? I have noticed that our attitudes about the care she's getting, and the treatments that are needed we just aren't as optimistic as we once were.

The repairs on Lulu's breast seem to be healing well now that the implant has been taken out, and some new tissue has been placed on the site? Though we're both skeptical about the doctors assurance that this surgery will allow the area to heal properly. So far it's looking good, besides the blistering of the tissues around the lateral border of the surgical site. What's this from; who knows, but it quite sore for Lulu. She also complaining that the drain they placed into the breast is very uncomfortable, and when we return in a week that she wishing that the doctors will be able to remove it? I'm so proud of her dealing with this latest set back. Besides being a little skeptical of the treatment, she hasn't really complained much about the whole thing. I know if I was just cut on a fourth time, had blisters on my breasts, and had to put up with walking around with a tube and bottle sticking out of my chest, I would a huge pain in the butt to be around. I just pay that she will heal quickly and that she can get the drains removed next week, and be on her way to recovery. I think that she deal with enough adversity these last 15 months?

I'm not sure if I had mentioned the fact that the oncologist and the surgeons have elected to take Lulu off all three of the cancer treatments that she was on. They seem to think that there's a possibility that these medications may be contributing to Lulu's inability to heal? This is a great concern to us. These medication are the standard protocol for Stage III breast cancer patients and have been used for years for the prevention of recurrence of the cancer. Without these drugs the chances of either a return of the cancer in the breast or a metastasis of the cancer in other part of her body increase. They say that after Lulu heals they will get her back onto the regiment of the drugs, but so she can heal they think that the risk is warranted? There's times that you just have to have faith that the doctors know best and the treatments they recommend are the ones that are going to work? However, knowing what the consequences of not taking the chemotherapy drugs are, we pray daily that she will heal quickly so that she can return to these drugs?

On Sunday night our family met up with friends for a Halloween trick or treating escapade and we had a lot of fun. The boys love the Marios brothers and they each picked an outfit from the game. Carter was Yoshi, Hamilton was Mario, and Lourdes baby peach. Thomas didn't want to be part of the group, so he picked Captain Jack Sparrow form the Pirates of the Caribbean. Thomas likes to do his own thing. After hours of running from house to house (I didn't need to work out today) we returned home to organize the candy. Being dentist, our rule is the kids can pick out their favorite 10 pieces of candy and the rest gets recycled. (I think the kids have more fun figuring out what candy to keep then even eating it?). I have posted a couple of pictures from our Halloween evening I think you'll enjoy? I hope that it was a fun filled holiday for you too?

Surgery number three on Lulu's breast

Today I'm thankful for...
seeing the great qualities in everyone
being there for my family
good, caring, and responsible kids
my health

The third surgery on the Lulu's right breast happened on the afternoon of Friday Oct. 29th. After spending the week in the hospital on the IV antibiotics the surgeon made time in his schedule to operate on Lulu Friday at 11 AM. There was a lot of discussion about what needed to be done during this surgery. The implant was to be removed and the tissue cleaned and re-sutured together so it can heal properly. The tension on the tissue was thought to be too much for the radiated tissue to stay sutured together, and the best treatment for Lulu was to just remove the implant and start again with either a new tissue expander or nothing at this point? After waiting for Lulu to finish in the operating room, I was told that she had preformed beautifully during the 2 hour surgery, and she was our of the recovery area at 2:15 PM. I walked her to the same room that she had been in for the week, so she could continue her recovery.

Lulu is so tired of the routine of trips to SF, hospital stays, feeling sick, not being able to hold her little girl, and the time away from her kids (not to mention the time out of the office and not being able to care for the patients). I even caught her in a "feeling sorry for herself" moment the morning of her surgery (these moments are becoming more frequent with the continued struggles with the poor heal that she's enduring). It's hard to second guess someone who's about to go through their third surgery in the last 60 days. Not only that fact, but also Lulu will need at least one more surgery (and probably two) in 4 to 6 months to replace the implant that is causing her so much grief? I can see that with each complication, surgery, and recovery that Lulu is wearing down both physically and emotionally. I have been thinking of how to build up her strength emotionally, because this lady only has a sliver of the strength that she once possessed. I feel as if I have let her down? I have been saying with each surgery (or other medical event) that she's beat this and everything from now on will be better, but it seems that there's always more that creeps into our life's? I truly know that one day soon everything will past us by and the days will be filled with positive feeling and a new revitalized wife; however, until then we just have to have faith in God that he will give us the strength to make it through.

Before Friday's surgery I returned to Reno to spend a overnight with the kids. Lulu and I felt it best for me to return and spend a evening with the kids and take them to school in the morning. Both of their parents being away for this length of time can really emotionally effect the kids? (not to stay the effect that it has on us too). I found the drive home by myself was very lonely, and it seemed to take forever? I did manage to make it in time to pick up the older kids from school, and then pick up Lourdes and Hamilton for a evening of piano lessons, fast food dinner, and then an evening at home playing together.

The night flew by and before I knew it the kids were in bed, fast asleep, and I was trying to catch up a past due tasks before heading off to bed so I could turn around and drive back to be with my wife. After taking the boys to school and finishing some errands, I found myself making the 4 hour drive back. During the whole drive I had the old familiar feelings of losing my wife to this terrible disease return to my mind. My mind was racing with the what ifs. What if the cancer returned? What if Lulu couldn't came back to the office and work? What if she could never again live without the pain? What if I was left to raise four little kids alone? As I passed through Sacramento and on to Davis I soaked the steering wheel of the Prius with my salty tears. I felt guilty for crying, but could hold back the emotions that I was feeling. I just all seems so unreal. Like I'm caught in someone else's nightmare? I had no choice but to pull it all together and continue my drive ever closer the hospital. With only hours before another surgery for my battling wife, I pulled into the parking garage at the clinic, and said a little prayer as I got out of the car to face another seemingly insurmountable challenge with my wife. Walking in the the hospital I found myself thinking of only impending demise for all of us on this planet. That the most precious thing that all of us have is time (and following close behind is our health). I renewed a promise to myself to spend as much time with my love ones as humanly possible?

I walked into room 421 (her room for the week) with a mission on my mind; be strong, love all those around you, and take the time to be there for your family. No day is more important then today, and don't take tomorrow for granted. I saw Lulu in the bed with IVs hanging next to her bed and I knew that I needed to live those commandments from this day forward. I gave her the biggest hug and kiss that I could muster, while the whole time thinking of how my life has been changed forever!

Back to UCSF, what would the doctors want to do?

Today I'm grateful for...
Being able to express my emotions
Great medical care for my wife
Antibiotics
The love of the people surrounding my family

What a long week it has been. I have made the drive from Reno to San Francisco three times this last week and I'm not done yet. After saying goodbye the the kids on Tuesday AM, Lulu and made the journey down to the UCSF clinic so her breast swelling and wound healing could be assessed. We talked about a variety of things as we drove the scenic highway 80 down the mountain, but we were just avoiding the real issues of "what's next"? I know that the reality of the situation is that Lulu will be at the very least admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics, and more likely a hospital stay and a surgery to repair the infected breast. The drive seemed to be taking much longer then normal this trip?

The Prius knows this trip well, and the familiar scenery passed by while we spoke about what we were going to do if the scenario means Lulu will be sending the week in SF? We both agreed as the car pulled into the 6th floor of the parking garage that she was going to be here for the next four to five days.

During the appointment with the plastic surgeon and the nurse was a tense 30 minutes. As he arrived to see Lulu I could tell the surgeon was felling horrible that Lulu was having the issues that she was with her breasts. He was extremely caring in his presentation of options to Lulu's new infection. We were soon all in agreement that the only options is just we had expected, four days of aggressive IV antibiotics, and then breast surgery to remove the infected implant and to leave the area without expansion to heal for 6 months. Once the tissues have healed appropriately then Lulu could have a new implant placed during another surgery. If all goes well that she might be done with the process in May of 2011? Both my wife and had been prepared for this as the answer to her recurrent infection issues. After the orders were written up, Lulu was admitted to the 4th floor of the Mt. Zions UCSF clinic.

Lulu was in remarkably good spirits for having to spend the next four days hooked to a IV pole, and mostly restricted to a hospital bed. The nurses have been close to fantastic every time we have been here, and the trends continue when we were assigned to Roshone. She was so caring, helpful, and skillful. I was happy ghat she would be the first nurse of many so Lulu would have the best experience (at least to start off with). Before we knew it she was hooked up and started on the vancomycin, and we both just hoped the rest of the week would be a success?

What's going on?

Today I'm grateful for...
Being healthy and fit
Strength from those around me
Love that I share with my wife
Freedom to choose my days

I hate to start off my blogs with the negative news of the day, but I'm going to make the concession this one time. Lulu is having right breast infection issues again. Last night as we were returning from a rainy weekend in Sacramento with the kids, I later found out was having pain with her incision area of her breast. When we had arrived home after 8 PM I heard hear crying on the phone to my mother about needing her help with the kids early the next day, because she needed to be seen by the doctors at UCSF and needed to leave quite early. This was news to me, and I immediately went into panic mode. I encouraged Lulu to give me the details and she indulged me that the 5 or 6 sutures in her right breast had released and that the area was painful and swollen. I ask her how long she had noticed this because this is the first time I knew anything about it? She said that she had noticed an issue on Saturday afternoon, but didn't want to cry wolf, and figured that it was just part of the healing process or maybe she had sleep wrong? But today when the incision opened up, and the implant was visible through the wound and painful. She got concerned.

Lulu had apparently spoken with the resident surgeon at the clinic about the new development, and after he had a chance to see the photo Lulu sent to him, he insisted that she be seen tomorrow (Monday). After my panic attack and getting the kids into bed, I wanted to talk to Lulu about the "next steps"? She told me that they would like her at the UCSF cancer clinic by 2 PM Monday, and that she could drive herself to the appointment? I have to admit that I was torn about what her needs were from me? I have been present in all but two appointments with her in this last 18 months, and even those I was saddened to not be there for support. So even though she thought I should stay in Reno to see the patients at the office (my scheduled patient days were Monday and Tuesday this week), I really want to be with her, supporting her, and caring for her during this most stressful time. (I think that we both know the gravity of the situation?) We came to a mutual decision that I should be with her for the evaluation and whatever treatment that she was going to need next? (we're both sure that the next steps will at the very least involve another surgery, and possibly a three or four day hospital stay for IV antibiotics?) I spent the evening comforting her that everything will be OK, but honestly what do I know? I thought after the original implant exchange surgery that everything would be OK, and now she's looking at a second hospital stay for treatment of the infection, and a third surgery to repair the non healing breast. How comforting can one be when you're questioning the what and why all this is happening to your loved one?

So far everytime we thy to put the complications of Lulu's cancer and it's aftermath behind us; it jumps back out to bite us? Why can't she get a break? I also know that doubt has crept into Lulu's mind about the treatment she's receiving for her reconstructive breasts? Have the doctors done all they can to prevent the infections, was the radiation treatment too close to the implant surgery, could she have been too active during her healing phase? I think that everyone would agree that when things just aren't falling your way, you start to analyze the small details, and you begin to wonder what else could have been done? I feel so sorry for my wife, and I can see how all this unsureness, infections, and surgeries have been taking a toll on her mentally. I just need to stay strong for her until she makes it through this most difficult time. That's easy to stay, but much more difficult to do.

I'm going to be praying for a little extra help tonight. We both need strength to pull us through this, dare I say, a set back again? Please send your thoughts and prayers our way, this just might be shaping up to be our neediest hour?

Rose's cafe with friends

Today I'm grateful for...
My wife sharing her experiences
Spending quality time together
My health
Getting to opportunity to exercise

These two days have been busy with medical appointments at the cancer clinic. Lulu and I made the trip down for follow up checks to the surgery a week or so ago, and we decided to stay over night (it wouldn't work to have all the doctors appointments in the same day, to make it easier we decided to do a over night instead of two separate trips down). We will try our best to have a marriage encounter while here, but all the stress of the medical appointments the marital bonding wasn't ideal (turns out it wasn't even that enjoyable).

We did find enjoyment in sharing a dinner with Lulu's friends that have been sharing similar experiences with this disease. Lulu's had the opportunity to befriend a couple of similarly aged women that were diagnosed very near the time Lulu was. It turns out that each of the two women have been moving through the challenges of breast cancer treatment, surgeries, and the hardest part of having cancer; the disruptions to your life. I think that it's important for her to share her feelings with women that know what it's like to go through these mental taxing times?

At dinner (a placed called Rose's on Union Street) I felt the bond between the survivors. They talked about their feelings, how their bodies feel now, and what is in store for them in the future? Three people brought together by the unfortunate circumstances of having breast cancer. Throughout the evening (Rose's was quite good food by the way) I noticed the emotional boost to my wife's mood, and she was more passionate than I had seen her in a while. I think the sharing of cancer related experiences and the I'm not the only one going through this was allowing her to open up? I learned things about what she's been dealing with these last 18 months that I hadn't even known before. I was slowly learning that even the husband isn't privy to all the facts of the battle with this monster.

Sunday night before another UCSF trip

Today I'm grateful for...
My wife getting better and stronger
The kids being healthy and well adjusted
Relatively warm weather to enjoy
The little princess growing so much more cute everyday

As I write in the journal I can't help but think about what's going to happen tomorrow at Lulu's post surgical appointment? It's been 12 days since the last surgery and Lulu is to have a couple of follow up appointments tomorrow and Tuesday at UCSF. The next two days will be packed with medical appointments like, the surgical follow up, the estrogen shot, blood tests, consult with the oncologist for the Sutent drug treatment (that Lulu is back on after the second surgery), and seeing the director of the trial study. I'm hopeful that all will go well? The positives are even though Lulu's feet are bothering her again because of the trial drug, she id feeling much better the last 7 days after the second breast surgery to clean up the infection and place more Allograph tissue. I know that Lulu has some of that Molina spark back, and everyday I see a little more of the wife I once knew. It's amazing that I have forgotten just how alive and fun loving my wife was before these last few surgeries. I think the stress and the healing have taken a toll on her both physically and mentally? It's great to hear that infectious, inspiring tone back in her voice and feel that energy she is starting to possess again.

I spent much of the day with Lourdes today. She has been growing up so quickly. I just can't imagine that a short 14 moths ago we got to bring her home from the hospital intensive care unit? I think that Lourdes is weighing about 35 pounds now? Hard to remember when she was the size of my hand and 2 pounds. Lourdes' personally is just beginning to shine, and she showing us the maternal (by maternal; I mean from Lulu's side) stubbornness much like her older bother Hamilton. We're working on the walking part, but haven't mastered it yet. No hurry from her parents though. I love this little princess's dimples. None of the boys have them, and Lourdes stand out on her cute face when she laughs or smiles. We are so very blessed to have her here with us, and so honored to be her mother and father.

I again want everyone to know just how much all the thoughts and prayers have lifted our spirits. As the husband of a breast cancer patient, I'm so very grateful that we have such loving, supportive friends and family. I journey we have been this last year and a half would have been so much more difficult without you all. We love each and everyone one of you!