The news isn't what we had hoped for

Today I'm thankful for...
The sound of crickets bringing in the summer warmth
Basking in the glow of my only daughter getting to celebrate her first birthday
Having the chance to make a difference in kids lives
Getting wiser as I grow older

Well finally we got the news about the results of the bone marrow biopsy that was done on Lulu over one week ago. I spent the last 24 hours thinking about ways to write the next few lines into this journal, but I really couldn't come up with witty or clever ways of saying that my wonderful, beautiful, strong wife has a "medically significant amount of cancer cells in her bone marrow."

I don't think that anything can truly prepare you for the knowledge that your loved one will need to begin a new battle against the breast cancer that she has been bravely beating this last 24 months? We were both so optimistic that the results of this test were going to be negative and that she would be cancer free? I can't tell you how devastating this news is for us. I think that this news just might be more damaging then finding out Lulu's initial diagnosis of Stage III breast cancer? I know that my world stopped for a long pause, as I attempted to process the information. I was so sure that Lulu was to be cancer free that I really didn't allow myself to see that there was any alternative. I know now why people facing great adversities say, "I was just going through the motions". This is how I feel now.

When Lulu awoke me from a restful sleep last night with the news that the test came back and she would be starting this 'experimental" drug treatment this Friday, because her cancer cell count was high enough to warrant the treatment, I was practically inconsolable. She and I just embraced, crying in unison, and then talking about the next steps between sobs. I woke in the morning early, wondering if I had really slept at all? I was alone in the bed. Seemingly it appeared that Lulu may have missed out on any rest for the night? We found each other for a renewed somewhat comforting embrace, before I had to get to the office to care for my other family. (thought my day turned out to be one of the most difficult days ever in the 15 years of dental practice).

I know that both of us felt guilty that today is Lourdes' first birthday, and the celebration is marred with the knowledge of Mommy's condition. Thought there's solace in knowing that Lourdes has come so very far in her short life. We are ever grateful to the care she received, the healing prayers that soothed our worries, and the grace of God growing her body and mind. We have a very healthy one year old that everyday reminds us how much we have to live for? It's hard to imagine that just one short (could have been shorter) year ago that 26 weeks premature baby was artificially brought into this world, and spent the first 90 days of her life battling for her life? We are the blessed ones!

I'm sure with time we will move into the "It is what it is, and just deal with it", but for now we're stuck in the "oh my god, what more does one person have to deal with"? As positive as both Lulu and I think that we are, there's a time that your defenses weaken and the doubt creeps in for a fleeting moment? We both know that we're moving into a new phase of life with this news, and we have the chance to build a stronger, better, or loving relationship from this. This is just another test that Lulu and I will pass with flying colors, and look back on this as a building block that strengthens the foundation of our relationship.

So it's on to UCSF for more monthly medical tests, drugs, and hope. Once we have more information about how long the treatment is, what is the effects of the treatment, and what does all this really mean; I'll be sure to update the journal with the news. Thank you again for all each and every one of you reading this has done for our family. This whole ordeal would be so much more lonely without your support, and prayers.