Emotions are high this Thanksgiving

Today I'm grateful for...

Family surrounding us and supporting us

Sharing this holiday with loved ones

Having plentiful food on the table

Turkeys

The emotions this holiday are on high. Lulu's older sister Doris' family came out to Reno this Thanksgiving from Puerto Rico, and the visit was filled with crying, tears, and bonding. They arrived late Wednesday November 24th, and we allowed the our kids to stay up until they walked in the door which turned out to be around 10:00 PM. By that time the boys were running on adrenaline and the excitement of seeing their cousins. Our families would normally get together either on Thanksgiving or Christmas, but due to Lulu's illness this year they will be flying into Reno or both of these holidays to support us.

Lulu has been feeling sad as of late, and she's beginning to feel the effects of breast cancer surgery on her body. Her right arm is in pain daily and Lulu can't use it a whole lot. I watch her try to hide the issue of a lame, painful arm; and let me tell you she a master at the art of deception. I'm constantly wondering how and what I should do to give her love and support. I do my best to re-frame of commenting on how she should rest or ask for help, because these just make her think that I'm not being supportive. All this cancer treatment, surgery, family, and stress of having a life threatening disease are running Lulu down emotionally. I know that Lulu isn't sleeping well at night, and I also know that she's on edge much more then usual.

Since the surgery over a week ago, I have been awakened nightly to Lulu's faint crying in my sleepy ear. I so desperately want to ask her what's wrong, but I know that she's stricken by grief and never wants to show her venerable side during the day time (especially in front of the kids). I just let her cry herself back to sleep, and inside I'm crying as I think about how utterly sad (and alone) she must feel? I think all the emotions of having breast cancer and battling the demons that come with this disease they are piling up on Lulu. As her husband and confidant in this fight; I really feel helpless in the battle, and I strive to keep my strong facade from crumbling down.

The last three days have been incredibly tense with emotions. We spent the time together as a extended family, and really enjoyed each other's company almost as if we had just told that this was the last time we would all be together? As the weekend comes to an end, and Lulu's family prepares for their journey back to Puerto Rico, Lulu becomes swarmed over with emotion of loneliness. But true to her past behaviors, I find her crying in our bedroom hiding away from any concerned love one. I sat with her holding her hands at the edge of the bed, just letting her cry out the sorrow, and feeling that in some way that I've let her down. I knew that right then we (Lulu's sister, brother in law, and mother) all needed to rally together at her bedside and pray for her recovery, so I when to ask for everyone's support in helping Lulu by praying as a family over her. You could feel the love for not just Lulu, but for each other as we prayed and gave thanks. We all said what we felt and we just let the emotions spill out. I have to tell you that this was one of the hardest nights for me since the cancer diagnosis a long 5 months ago. I was left wondering if I could hold on for three more weeks (this is when they will be returning for Christmas break)?

I'm sure that weighing heavily on Lulu is the up coming follow up appointment at UCSF breast cancer clinic? The results from the surgery will dictate Lulu's future, and what she will be doing next to beat this affliction? I ask God for the strength to see me through this most difficult time. I never have known sadness like I have felt lately, and with time, prayers, and everyone's encouragement; I will break free from the intense woe that I carry. Keep us in your thoughts and if you believe in that power of God; pray for our family?