Lourdes Pulls out her respirator

Today I'm grateful for...

Getting a spinal injection of steroids on my back

Seeing my little girl grow bigger

Having the privilege of taking care of patients

Loving family

I finished with patients at 4:30 today, and loved every minute of my day. I love getting to care for the kids and It's a way for me to escape from negative thoughts for a while. I arrived at the NICU unit at around 5 PM, and Lulu met me there. I had met her at the radiology department for the mass biopsy. I had to wait outside while they treated Lulu. I was saying a little prayer that included the mass to be smaller and non-malignant. When she emerged, she told me the "needle guided biopsy" went well (I took that as it wasn't painful, and she really liked the radiologist. Also, the radiologist was the husband of someone we knew in the dental community). The results would be available tomorrow after 4 PM.

Some really good news as we were briefed on Lourdes condition from the day nurse in charge of he. It seems that baby Lourdes had decided to remove her respiration tube by herself. Not a small feat as the tube is attached to the folds on each side of the nose with highly sticky medical tape. After Lourdes extubated herself the RT put her onto a C-pap nasal unit (I have included a picture of her with this on, because it's difficult to explain with words). They were telling us how this was a huge step for her and how many times babies know that they ready for the "next step" and they take things into their own hands. We were ecstatic, some great news, and lord knows that we needed some. This was also the first time we had heard Lourdes make any sounds. She had a faint cry, that we could barely hear. We couldn't wait to get home to tell the boys what had happens today. Even better, we were told that we might be able to do a Kangaroo hold in our arms tomorrow? (we found that a Kangaroo hold is when you bare your chest and the naked girl lays against the parents chest for warmth). Like a school boy before the last day of school in anticipation of the summer break, I wanted to get home so I could get to sleep. Tomorrow couldn't come to soon!

We see the breast cancer specialist

We made it here to the breast cancer specialist by 2:45. The traffic was light and we made good time. Not once did the subject of Lulu's possible diagnosis come up during the 4 1/2 hours. I'm not sure that I was happy about that fact or not. I kind of wanted to talk about it, but I decided that I would only talk about the subject when she brought it up. I kind of figured that there was no reason to talk about it when there was a chance that the diagnosis was wrong at this point?

The breast cancer specialist office was much smaller then I had expected. You can tell that he is very thorough, caring, maybe a little old doctor from the articles and decor of his office? He got us into an examination room within 10 minutes after Lulu filled out numerous forms (Lulu keep saying that she's starting to see what being on the other side of healthcare looks like from the patients prospective). Once in the examination room, we waited for a seemed like longer then you would expect when you don't see any other patients in the office? Maybe he was consulting on the phone or writing patient notes in charts, anyway my mind raced to how in my experiences patients will tolerate (occasionally complaining) being seen 1 hour later then their scheduled appointment time? Lulu and I commented to each other on the decor and the age of the examination table (I think that I read the manufacture date as 10/1974, but couldn't be sure because the numbers were worn I could barely read them). I was impressed by the Princess Diana collage hanging behind the examination table, and learned a few facts that I never knew before. The room wasn't made for three adults, so I was thinking about were I should be when the doctor finally arrives? Was this small size designed this way on purpose, so husbands felt unwelcome? I choose my spot just in time as the doctor made a graceful entrance. (I took the corner behind Lulu, so not to make her feel uncomfortable when the doctor was to examine her breasts).

I had to remind myself of that saying, "Don't judge a book by the cover", as Lulu and I found the doctor to be quite likable, competent, and compassionate (though he was about the age that I had expected him to be). He sat and asked many questions, writing the answers down so we could see them as he wrote. I thought to myself, nice touch. He got a thorough medical and personal history. Then only after 25 minutes of listening and writing did he ask Lulu to put on the gown and get onto the table so he could do a breast examination.

The doctor spent another 10 minutes examining both of Lulu's breasts and the all areas of possible lymph nodes. He was very experienced at doing this and it showed. When he had finished, he excused himself as he explained that he would like to go study the ultrasound and the mammograms that we had brought with us to him. He said that he would return in 5 minutes or so.

After 15 minutes we were getting more concerned with each passing second, and only after we had really wondered whether or not he was even coming back, he re-entered with that look. He didn't have to speak to us, just the stressed look and stiffness to his demeanor we knew what the diagnosis was to be. I'm going to share the conversation that was shared as closely as I remember, because I think it will show the quality of health care we felt we were receiving.

"I have examined the ultrasound and the mammogram taken in Reno, and I would like to talk to you about my thoughts on what we know at this time (he sat very close to Lulu at eye level and used his pad of paper to emphasize the importance of his findings). You have a mass that is about 2.3 cm in size that appears to be fixed to your chest wall. In my experience, because of the location, appearance, presentation, and size of this mass I very concerned that it is malignant. I would like you to have a Ultrasound guided biopsy, chest/abdominal CT scan, a Bone scan, and a genetic test to determine whether or not you are a carrier of the gene for this cancer type. I would like to have the results of these tests by Friday afternoon, so I can best determine what course of treatment to give you? Even without the results of these test, I would like to get you in my surgery schedule for a full right breast mastectomy with lymph node removal for July 10!"

He went on to explain about the surgery, the reasons for the addition test, Chemotherapy and how that would look. We both felt that he was both professional and thorough with his diagnosis, but it was the urgency and the look in this face that frightened us. This was the point that I recall thinking, "At what point will the Molina-Wilkerson family get some good news?

Honestly I can't remember the rest of the appointment. All I know is that Lulu stayed in the office for another 20 minutes and I when to the restroom to breakdown and cry.

We leave the NICU for SF

Today I'm grateful for...
Sharing my thoughts with my older sister
Being in a healthy relationship
Seeing my baby girl grow everyday
Enjoying the sunny weather
Spending time with my kids

I got to the NICU early this morning to see Lourdes. Lulu had some appointments to make, so she was to join me a little later in the morning. Lourdes looks good today. She was changed to a different ventilator some time before I had arrived. This new ventilator was easier on Lourdes' lungs. I took this as a good sign, going from the stronger ventilator to one that she doesn't need as more airflow to complete her oxygen requirement. Though today Baby Lourdes still had a cloudy chest x-ray and they would be giving her more of the diuretic medication to hopefully clear up those lungs? They doctors haven't tried again the medication that we're praying will close the hole between the her heart's chambers. They have talked about that being done tomorrow?

When Lulu arrives she was excited; something having to do with being seen in San Francisco today at 3 PM. It seems after some phone calls to a friend that had had breast cancer years earlier Lulu was recommended to see a breast surgery specialist (we actual found out later that he was one of the founders in the UCSF breast cancer clinic in the 80's). He could see her today in his office at 3 PM. I said, "great, let's go now". So, I made some phone calls to shore up with the kids care, and a emotional call to the office to let them know that somethings come up and I needed to have them call the patients and reschedule their appointments. (later I found out that the patients were so understanding with having to modify their life's to fit ours, I guess this is one of those "I'm grateful for times?) After 10 minutes of confirming we we able to go, we left St. Mary's as quickly as possible as I knew that even without hitting traffic the drive would take us 4.5 hours, and it was approaching 10:30 already!

I knew that we were going to go to SF, see the specialist, and he was going to say that this was going to be alright. It just wasn't right to think any different.

Brain scan is negative

Some good news today! Lourdes had a second ultrasound on her brain last night (the same one that ws inconclusive the previous time) and the results were negative to bleeding. Wow, sometimes what seems like the smallest news can be amazingly gratifying. All I could think about was it's about time we got some positive news! Though, Baby Lourdes was still having other issues to overcome, for the time being we can celebrate this win.

We left the NICU for the first time truly feeling blessed that Lourdes was making progress and the future was going to improve?

Lulu and discussed the results of the "tests" from earlier in the day. She said that the radiologist that did the mammogram and the ultrasound was so very nice, and they when he finished went out of his way to express his feelings of concern for her health. Lulu said that she knew from the look on his face that she indeed knew that she had breast cancer. We cried a while (well I should say that I cried awhile, Lulu just again comforted me as I cried), and then discussed the next step. The radiologist suggested that no later then tomorrow that she was to be seen by a breast cancer specialist.

I was very worried

Today I'm thankful for...

Having flexablility to change my schedule Having a partner in the practice to help with patient care

Lourdes is here with us God in our life's

Today was an important day (little did we know at the time but the test done today were just the start of many more). Lulu was to have mammogram and ultrasound done with the radiologist. We were hopeful that this all would turn out OK, but knew the seriousness of the situation.

I wanted to reschedule the day's patients to be there during the procedure, but true to her form, Lulu was worried about having to interupt our patients life's by re-scheduling their appointments? She talked me out of it! At around 10:30 AM the office staff told me that Dr. Molina was on the phone and wanted to speak to me (only in emergencies do we call eachother during patient hours). She informed me that her tests were done and that the radiologists was "extremely concerned about the findings of the tests" but we could talk more when I arrived to see Baby Loudes that evening at the NICU.

I hung up the phone only to reflect on the news she reported. This doesn't mean that it's breast cancer, was all I could tell myself. At that moment, I felt a presence (a lot like a parent watching over a sicky child) just then and a voice spoke out in my head saying to me, "You be there physically, emotionally, and spiritally for your lovely wife, this is what your destiny is!" I believed from that point forward I was transformed into higher spiritual being? From that day forward I was there at all the critical times for both Baby Lourdes and my wife.

Lourdes' chest x-rays concern the doctors

I arrived at the NICU unit as soon as I was done with patients at the office. Lulu was with Baby Lourdes. We tried to avoid the subject of Lulu's possible breast cancer, and focus of the health of the baby.

Since the previous day's chest x-ray showed cloudy formations in the lungs. We learned that this was referred to as "wetness in the lungs". We understood from the respiratory therapist this lung condition was more than likely caused by the medications that were given yesterday to close the opening in her heart? So she was being given a diuretic to clear the water from her lungs. The nurses and the doctors assured us that these were normal for a now 27 week premature infant. I just remembering thinking how they could be so positive about all the things happening to Lourdes? After this news, being tried from a busy day at the office, I just tuned out further information being sent my way.

I looked at Lulu and saw her being so strong for just being diagnosed with a serious illness. Her strength made me cry. How did she dare to be so strong. We had a understanding that I was the level headed, strong, un-emotional husband, and she was suppose to be the emotional wife. I just wanted at that moment for it all to go away. Lulu was comforting me, huggling me, and I felt so emotionally weak at that moment. Way can't she just cry a drop, something to let me know that she was just as scared as I? We just embraced, no words were needed. I never wanted to let go, she made me feel that it was all going to be ok. Tomorrow was a big day, Lulu was to have the mammogram and ultrasound done by the radiologist. Could I make it to tomorrow? I had to regain the strength that I once possessed.

Suspicious lump in Lulu's breast

Today I'm thankful for...
Having wonderful patients and parents to treat in my office
Being free to make choices
Never working a day in my life, because I don't see what I do as work
Being there for my little girl Lourdes everyday

What in the world does it mean to have a suspicious lump in your breast? Lulu called me from the OB's office while I was seeing patients in the AM, at first I couldn't comprehend what she was attempting to tell me though the sobs and crying. After what seemed like an hour (though more like 1 minute), I thought I had understood her to tell me that the doctor (OB) had examined her breast and that he was very concerned about it's shape and he felt strongly that Lulu should have a mammogram and ultrasound stat (one of those doctor words for should have done it yesterday). I was sure that either I had heard her wrong, or the doctor was off his rocker? My wife was only 40 years old and that's just too young to have odd shaped breasts (that's something that happens to old women or women with bad breast augmentations)?

This was one of those life altering moments, and to be quite frank I was getting kind of tired of bad news by now. How many life altering things happen to us in our life times? Maybe 4 or 5, we've just had two within a couple of weeks. We have a little fragile, struggling girl in the NICU, this just isn't the best time to have to find out that your wife might have breast cancer.

I gave Lulu the best support I could think of at the time, and that was I'm here for you, I love you, and whether or not this terrible news could be true we live this together.

You know how people say that when you are told something that could change your life forever you can usually remember the conversation, but afterwords you don't hear, feel, or comprehend anything else. This was so true for me. I finished my day in total shock.