How Iced Tea opened my eyes

Today I'm grateful for...
Having time to enjoy my life
Sharing moments that seem little with my loved ones (every moment is huge to me)
Bret Michael's Trop.A.Rocka diet Snapple iced tea (this is good)
Sharing my bed with a compassionate wife

Lulu's had a drug regiment that seems to increases weekly? I think that she's on four medications now all related to treatment of the cancer or relieving the side effects of the cancer? From Tamoxifen to Centroid and she tells me that she needs to take Ibuprofen daily for the headaches and body aches that she is experiences. I remember many years ago my grandmother at the end of her life showing me her daily pill regiment and the drug organizer that she needed to keep the medications straight. My grandma, Grace, had nothing on Lulu's pill organizer, the thing is big, long, and filled up with many vital drugs. I haven't mentioned the fact that seeing the numbers and types of drugs she needs to down daily has me thinking about not just her mortality, but often all human beings life cycle.

The future is quite uncertain for us? Until Lulu's hyperthyroidism is cured, we have been told that she can't start the trial drug treatment on the bone marrow cancer cells, so we hope that the drugs will quickly stabilizer her thyroid and we can make plans to start treatments at the UCSF cancer clinic? In the mean time we struggle with trying not to think about "what next", and only concentrate on what we can control like what we do with each other, how much time we spend with the kids, and holding little Lourdes as much a possible. I know that both of us with be feeling more confident about Lulu's beating this disease when we get the OK to start this next phase of treatment.

I have a new obsession, Bret Michael's Trop.A.Rocka Iced Tea. Funny how I came acrossed this delightful liquid refresher. One night when I came to the family room to give my beautiful wife a "good night kiss and hug", I was intrigued by the TV show she was watching, and I just had to sit in on the action. I had heard of the TV series, The Celebrity Apprentice, but I had never really know anyone that had been following the show? I had never been a fan of Bret or the band Poison, but I just had to know what an aging, long haired, bandanna wearing rocker was doing on a TV show? I really thought that he was there as the Celebrity Apprentice we could all get a laugh out of because they were as out of place, and isn't fun to laugh at other's that we might have once idealized (or maybe still do)? Bret Michael's had substance. He impressed me with his creativity, ingenuity, leadership, and I dare say a Celebrity role model? After the show, I really wanted to test the diet Snapple flavor that he and his co-apprentice's touted as "tropical mango with a touch of peach flavor". Well, it took me a week of searching local stores to find the drink, but I'm sure glad that I finally found it. I can't really explain how the whole experience effected me, but I think about the show, the singer, and the drink daily. I guess the fact that anyone of us where we are famous or not can accomplish anything if we take chances, surround ourselves with the right people, and work hard at achieving our goals. Thanks Bret for opening one more creative space in my life (you can never have enough).

Just another health issue to deal with

Today I'm thankful for...
Getting a day to chase the fish with friends
Feeling positive about the future
Quality time with my mother-in-law
Seeing Lulu's emotional strength improve

What an emotional week for our family. As I'm sure you read in the last blog entry, that Lulu's will be starting a new drug treatment for the cancer cells that she has in your bone marrow. However, this will be on hold indefinitely due to the fact that she has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism after a blood test tow days ago. In preparation for the UCSF clinical study Lulu was directed to have a blood screening, and the levels of thyroxin being produced from her thyroid was abnormally low. Thus, the start of the drug treatment needs to be postponed until the hypothyroidism can be corrected. The doctor thinks that with medication that the thyroid should be back to normal in two to three weeks? Another slight setback in the "conquering the cancer" quest, but one that Lulu shall overcome with that great positive determination.

This news is causing havoc on Lulu's and my ability to plan the next six months of health care trips to San Francisco. In our existing schedules we have to plan for these dates where we will be running down to SF for blood tests, physicals, more bone marrow biopsies, CT scans, and who knows what else? As of today, we don't even know when this all can start, so just that fact is quite stressful for our family. We do know that once her body allows her to start this cancer treatment, it will require at least one trip per month to the clinic, and we're told that the end of the therapy will be six months from the first dosage. Well, this gives we the chance to finish before the Christmas holiday season.

I know that Lulu is worried about how she is going to feel with this new treatment? Will she get more fatigued? What about nauseous, and how about the physical appearance factor? I know that some of these questions will be answered soon, but many others can't be answered until she's participating n the course of treatment.

I just know that our family will be receiving some good news in the very near future? I'm unsure what is might be, but with all that has been effecting us lately, I think that we could use some?

The news isn't what we had hoped for

Today I'm thankful for...
The sound of crickets bringing in the summer warmth
Basking in the glow of my only daughter getting to celebrate her first birthday
Having the chance to make a difference in kids lives
Getting wiser as I grow older

Well finally we got the news about the results of the bone marrow biopsy that was done on Lulu over one week ago. I spent the last 24 hours thinking about ways to write the next few lines into this journal, but I really couldn't come up with witty or clever ways of saying that my wonderful, beautiful, strong wife has a "medically significant amount of cancer cells in her bone marrow."

I don't think that anything can truly prepare you for the knowledge that your loved one will need to begin a new battle against the breast cancer that she has been bravely beating this last 24 months? We were both so optimistic that the results of this test were going to be negative and that she would be cancer free? I can't tell you how devastating this news is for us. I think that this news just might be more damaging then finding out Lulu's initial diagnosis of Stage III breast cancer? I know that my world stopped for a long pause, as I attempted to process the information. I was so sure that Lulu was to be cancer free that I really didn't allow myself to see that there was any alternative. I know now why people facing great adversities say, "I was just going through the motions". This is how I feel now.

When Lulu awoke me from a restful sleep last night with the news that the test came back and she would be starting this 'experimental" drug treatment this Friday, because her cancer cell count was high enough to warrant the treatment, I was practically inconsolable. She and I just embraced, crying in unison, and then talking about the next steps between sobs. I woke in the morning early, wondering if I had really slept at all? I was alone in the bed. Seemingly it appeared that Lulu may have missed out on any rest for the night? We found each other for a renewed somewhat comforting embrace, before I had to get to the office to care for my other family. (thought my day turned out to be one of the most difficult days ever in the 15 years of dental practice).

I know that both of us felt guilty that today is Lourdes' first birthday, and the celebration is marred with the knowledge of Mommy's condition. Thought there's solace in knowing that Lourdes has come so very far in her short life. We are ever grateful to the care she received, the healing prayers that soothed our worries, and the grace of God growing her body and mind. We have a very healthy one year old that everyday reminds us how much we have to live for? It's hard to imagine that just one short (could have been shorter) year ago that 26 weeks premature baby was artificially brought into this world, and spent the first 90 days of her life battling for her life? We are the blessed ones!

I'm sure with time we will move into the "It is what it is, and just deal with it", but for now we're stuck in the "oh my god, what more does one person have to deal with"? As positive as both Lulu and I think that we are, there's a time that your defenses weaken and the doubt creeps in for a fleeting moment? We both know that we're moving into a new phase of life with this news, and we have the chance to build a stronger, better, or loving relationship from this. This is just another test that Lulu and I will pass with flying colors, and look back on this as a building block that strengthens the foundation of our relationship.

So it's on to UCSF for more monthly medical tests, drugs, and hope. Once we have more information about how long the treatment is, what is the effects of the treatment, and what does all this really mean; I'll be sure to update the journal with the news. Thank you again for all each and every one of you reading this has done for our family. This whole ordeal would be so much more lonely without your support, and prayers.

Waiting is so hard

Today I'm grateful for...
The Sun shining
Having a "best" friend to share my life with
All the friends and family for support
A meaningful relationship

I feel so bad for my wife this last 48 hours. We stressed over the results of Lulu's bone marrow biopsy from earlier in the week, and had really hoped that we would have some clarification on the amount of cancer cells presiding in her bones by the end of the day Friday (this is what we had been told be the oncologist)? As the day dragged on, Lulu and I became more anxious about the findings. We both found ourselves surmising why the UCSF clinic hadn't called? Could the delay be caused by the possibility that the test wasn't done properly, the blood marrow sample was lost, or the results show high cancer activity on the oncologists didn't want to alarm Lulu right before a holiday weekend? I know one thing that's for sure, I saw my normally stoic wife check her iPhone close to ever 5 minutes during the nerve racking day (and I found myself following her around hoping to hear the good news)?

Lulu and I travelled to Modesto in the central valley of California for my 26 year old cousin Christina's wedding yesterday. The event was well attended and the ceremony was so beautiful that we almost forgotten about the news of Lulu's long term success of battling this dreaded disease, breast cancer? As the night wore on it become apparent that the cancer clinic wasn't going to be calling with the results of the biopsy until at least tomorrow. Let me tell you some scary thoughts raced through both of our heads as we tired to fall asleep at the end of a very long day.

I'm so glad that Lulu has a big birthday BBQ planned for Sunday (and most of her family is either already here in Reno are coming in soon for the big event), because all the preparations will take some the worry and pressure off her shoulders. The busier she stays the less chance she has of conjuring up these crazy ideas that the delay in informing her of test results means anything more then just an over site by the cancer clinic? We need to reduce the stress level, even if, only for a day or so. Let Lulu enjoy the big moment of her only daughter making it to her first birthday. Lourdes' one year birthday was something that we were hopeful for in the days immediately after her birth, but honestly, we were so thrilled with just seeing our peanut sized premature baby girl make it out of the intensive care unit. This first birthday is to be very special for another reason too. Lulu has had the chance to see her only girl celebrate one year of life, and when she was first diagnosis with such advanced breast cancer, I think that we hoped that Lulu would see 40 of Lourdes' birthdays, but nothing was certain?

The Bone Marrow Biopsy

Today I'm thankful for...
The stressful anticipation of UCSF behinds us
A safe drive
My healthy and mostly painless back
A bright future

We made it back from the Bone Marrow Biopsy at UCSF late last night. I was feeling fatigued, so I can't imagine what my wife was feeling after 9 hours in the car (many of which she spent on the phone with consoling family and taking care of office tasks vital to Dentistry for Kids) and the stress of the unknown test that had occurred on her this day. I think that many times the most tiring event in this whole breast cancer fight is the unknowing? What tests are needed next, did the doctors miss something, is the cancer spreading, will the procedure(s) hurt, and how is my family coping with all this? I can tell you that I was exhausted mostly from the worry that I had about the test on my strong wife's physiological well being? Trying to find ways to not think about the cancer and what will happen next is emotionally draining for me. I just can't imagine how these same worries are weighting on Lulu?

Thankfully, the Bone marrow biopsy procedure turned out to be quite tolerable for Lulu, but as always, I wondered whether or not she was just putting up a front? Lulu was to have the biopsy in the UCSF, Ida Friend, infusion center. This is just 6 months ago Lulu and I spent ever two weeks (4 to 6 hours) in chemotherapy treatment. I think that just know that she was to return to the place where she fought the cancer with fatigue causing infused drugs, was most taxing on her? Though, when we arrived to the infusion center, the most soothing thing happen to both Lulu and I. As we waited for Lulu's turn to be called to be seen for the biopsy, one of the infusion nurses stopped his busy routine (and they were as busier today then I can ever remember them being) to fly across the room to inform today's nurse that this was, "A very special patient", and the fact that he remembered Lulu's name, that she had 4 children, once had long flowing black coal hair, and was one of the tallest patients that had ever graced the center. If you have never experienced this kind of care, you might not understand the tremendous comforting effect this kind of care can have on a cancer patient. Even more impressive was the fact that only once did this nurse have Lulu as his patient. I pretty sure of the fact that Scott that fantastic nurse would never read this paragraph, but I want to say thank you to him for making a breast cancer patients husband comfortable in a dreaded situation, not to mention the care (and dare I say it; the love) that he shared with my wife.

There was a lot of stress, a little humor, and some awkwardness during the bone marrow procedure. The stressful part wasn't all on the part of Lulu or I, but the fact that the extraction of the bone marrow cells from Lulu's hip did come off without a hitch. Really not knowing what a Bone Marrow Biopsy consists of Lulu and I had prepared ourselves for the worst and hope for the best. The oncologist is the person that actually was to do the procedure, surprise; and one of the pre-nursing students asked to watch (he was a mid twenties, tall, male so when your getting poked in the bare buttocks with a extra large needle and it just might make you call out for God's son; this could very well add to your stress levels?), Lulu, I think, knowing that this is a teaching institute reluctantly agreed to the stranger witnessing her cancer call harvest. I could feel the tension, as Lulu and I watched the nurse set up the instruments for the procedure right in front of our eyes. I could help but think if I was to show my patients any of the tools that they were preparing, I wouldn't have any patients to treat? There were some painful looking stuff included here like; a scalpel with a very sharp blade to cut the tissue, osseous bone picks to bore a hole into the bone, large gauge needles to numb the area, and enough anesthetic to deaden the whole city of San Francisco. I really wanted to lighten up the mood, because if all these scary looking tools weren't freaking out my wife, they were surly making me nervous? The oncologist was talking about the difference between being a PA (physician's assistant), and a MA (medical assistant) as she was gowning and gloving for the "procedure". I said, "I thought that Physician assistants we're the students that could hack it in Medical school, so they ended up being put into PA program?" It was meant to be funny, but my audience wasn't feeling the humor, so I just added to the awkwardness of the moment. I've always used humor to hide my nervousness, but this time I had failed miserably.

Lulu is a trooper when it comes to pain. The oncologist, she, was having difficulties with getting through the thick cortical bone that must be penetrated to access the internal blood cells. As she struggled to get through this very hard wall, she began to perspire and seem frustrated at her inability to complete the process? The whole time Lulu could be heard saying that none of the poking, digging, prodding hurts, and that she doesn't have to worry about osteoporosis (a condition of thinning of the bone due to bone cell loss). Though all the the tests, many of which would take a toll of most of us, Lulu hasn't complained once. This biopsy was to be no different. At least, when I thought that the doctor was going to call in the reinforcements, the illiac bone was penetrated and the bone marrow biopsy could be completed. I could see the relief on the oncologist face and I just hope that my relief that this was over wasn't as noticeable on my face as it was on hers? After a discussion of the next steps for Lulu. We learned that the results of the test just completed should be available to us by this Friday May 28? We were too excited about waiting again for a answer to what's next in the cancer battle, but what choice did we have?

The drive home seemed to take forever? I think that both Lulu and I are going to have a long week waiting on the results of the test, which will have a large baring on her (and my) future? I'm just glad that she will be keeping busy at the office with patients on Wednesday and Thursday. I know that no matter what the results of this test are, lulu will be up for the next stage with her Puerto Rican fighting attitude. So watch out you thoughtless cancer, you don't have a chance against this incredible woman. Let's all keep praying for a miracle, just in case!

Fearful of "TOMORROW"

Today I'm grateful for...
Watching the kids grow up everyday
My so beautiful little girl
A wife that feels healthy and productive
Faith

It is the eve of the next big hurtle for my wife. Tomorrow is the day she has the appointment at UCSF for a bone marrow test that will partly determine her future battle with this cancer. She has been keeping herself quite busy in the time since she returned from SF after finishing her radiation treatment. It seems like a million years ago, but she finished the treatment just 2 months ago. This has been a tense couple of days. I know that the gravity of the situation is weighing heavily on her. Just this morning at Sunday mass I caught Lulu in a emotional avalanche, and I was feeling the pain of her thoughts. What was to happen tomorrow, would the procedure be painful, and how would she feel after? But mostly I think that we both are fearing that the test will unveil cancer cells hiding in her bone marrow, waiting for their chance to inflict their terrible mission in Lulu's body of destruction. I think that the only things keeping her from physiological meltdown are the maternal need to be there for her family and the strong pull of her professional career. When facing this or any adversity with life in the balance, one must wonder how far can you be pushed and not fall into despair?

Funny how our life's have changed in this last year? As a positive from all the family challenges, Lulu and I have melted together into one being. Each and everyday we see with a new purpose, and we talk about her being one step closer to putting the cancer behind her. Though the stress of Lourdes premature birth, the 90 days of intensive care before bringing Lourdes home, a breast cancer diagnosis, facing the huge mountain of treatment choices, all the treatments Lulu has endured, financial uncertainty, and a never ending construction lawsuit; we have faced and conquered all these in this last year. Knowing that when you have beat the odds, and are still in the fight, makes all the difference.

I know that all the prayers that have be bestowed onto out family this last year have been heard, and they are allowing us to move forward in this breast cancer battle. Again it's very difficult to say just what all the support has meant to our family, but I what to shout it out, All of your prayers are making the difference. Thank you all so much, and please pray for Lulu tomorrow, that her biopsy goes smooth, and the results are negative to more cancer.

Mom's on the run

Today I'm thinking about...
Having a great day
How fun spending time with the family is
Getting a chance to change life's
Better weather

Yesterday the family signed up for the Mother's on the run event. We were blessed with great weather (sunny, no wind, and 60's). This is a far cry from the turbulent weather we've had in Reno this winter and spring. Our family was joined by our good friends the Salas family and my parents for the 5K walking portion of the event. The turn out was incredible, and everyone seemed to be having a great time, sharing stories and helping each other during the walk. I think that I had heard the announcer say that the event had raised $200K dollars for local cancer victims? I would be guessing, but I think that there was upwards of 2000 people at the cancer event?

I was very proud of the family. Lulu made the 3K walk without tiring herself too much (though she took a nap after the walk). My boys, including the 3 year old, walked the whole way and not once did I hear them complaining about being tired, or when we were going to be done? The older boys even wanted to walk the longer 5K portion of the course. What great bonding for the family and a great event for the cancer community. I suggested at the end that we (our family at least) should do this every Sunday after mass? I'm not sure but I think that I was the only one interested in that idea?