When I get up in the morning I have choices
Four great and healthy children
Sunny summer weather
Happiness
Why can't she come home yet? I've been asking myself this question for the last week. Lourdes is getting well from a bottle, breathing well without help, and isn't having any other issues that I know about? What's the criteria for her to come home and be part of the family?
I missed the bottle feeding this morning. Since Wednesday, Lourdes was placed back on a every other feeding being a bottle, and I just missed this morning's bottle (I should have been there at 5:30 not 5:45 AM). The good news is at the 5:30 feeding, she ate the whole bottle for the nurses. I want to give her a bottle today, so I'll be returning at the 11:30 AM or the 5:30 PM feeding time? I got a short lunch break before I came back to feed Lourdes the 11:30 bottle. Even though I was only gone for less then a hour, I think that Lourdes looked bigger to me, and for sure more content then when I left? I was pretty excited that I was going to get to feed her today. She seemed excited also, and was cooing in anticipation of her daddy giving her her lunch. I couldn't change her diaper and take her temperature fast enough (in case you're wondering, yes she was poppy). As I prepared her for the nipple feeding, I was hopeful that she would latch on for me and eat the whole 55ml? I hadn't had the satisfaction of getting to see Lourdes eat the entire bottle at a sitting. We had a slow start. Lourdes was very awake, but getting her to suckle was a challenge. I could do this, I have feed three other infants, how much harder could this one be? I wasn't giving up, I talked her into trying harder to attach her lips around the soft nipple, and suck on the breast milk like she had never eaten before. She responded to my encouragement, and started to aggressively take milk from the bottle. Boy was I proud, we got to the end of the 55 ml. I really think that she could have just keep on eating more if we would have offered her some? I wanted to boast of our accomplishment, but there wasn't anyone except the nurses there, and for some reason I thought that they wouldn't be entirely impressed with our feat? In a strange way, I was happy that Lourdes was here in the intensive care unit, because I was getting alone time to bond with her. Somehow I think that she felt the same way?
Yesterday was busy. It started with Lulu and I taking a taxi ride to the UCSF cancer clinic at 7:30 AM, after packing up the kids and loading the car for Lulu's sister. We needed to get to the clinic early to get Lulu's blood test done (they need to make sure that the chemotherapy drugs aren't repressing her immune system too much?) We were done by 8:00 AM and had an hour before meeting the oncologist for her exam and consultation. So, we went for breakfast in the clinic's cafeteria. After breakfast, we made our way to the second floor breast cancer part of the clinic for the anticipated appointment with her oncologist. Like always, we were greeted like family and taken back into the consultation area on time. The nurse taking Lulu's vitals just happened to be a Buckeye alumni, so we had some chatting to do. Next we were shown to #2 examination room. The physician assistant walked in and after some pleasantries, she went into her consultation questions. What have you been feeling the last two weeks, what drugs did you need to take for the side effects, so you have any questions or concerns? (I wanted to speak up and say YES, is she going to live, but I didn't want to know that question yet. After 5 minutes of so, the oncology doctor appeared to do a follow up on the PA work. I was focused on only one thing, had the tumors shrunk in size? It seemed like an eternity before the doctor was ready to examine Lulu's breasts. She felt the tumors and measured their size with what seemed like a crude technique, a cloth tape measure that you would see in a garment factory. After checking the chart for the previous dimensions of the cancerous tissues, she announced out loud, without a lot of excitement, that the tumors had gotten "a little smaller". Not as promising as I had hoped? The oncologist seemed much more excited about Lulu's response two weeks ago. Was this all normal? Do the tissues respond better when initially exposed to the chemotherapy drugs, and then become less responsive with the continued exposure? Not clear, and I could see the disappointment in my wife's face.
Normally, I have been very quiet in these appointments, only talking when spoken to (you don't know how hard this is), but after brushing away my disappointment I spoke up, "What's the next steps after the chemotherapy, would Lulu need radiation therapy, and what about the surgery?" The doctor referred most of the questions to be answered by the breast surgeon, and verified that we are to see her in two weeks? We left with questions without answers, but we knew that they would all be answered in due time.
In two weeks we would have the last of the AC treatments, and then be able to take a three week break, before the Taxol part of the regiment is begun. The three weeks were approved by the oncologist, after Lulu had explained that she and I were planning on having Lourdes' baptism on labor day weekend. Lulu wanted to be as healthy as possible for the baptism, so she could enjoy the event. The oncologist said that I was more then fine to take an extra week between the therapies, and we were very relieved to hear that.
I have to say that we have such great friends and family to help with Lourdes' feeding and holding while we were in SF. It's comforting to know that if we couldn't be there, someone you trust will be!
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