Demons are after me

I just finished feeding Lourdes. What a rush to be able to give her the bottle sitting in my own chair in my own house! Tonight, Lourdes and I have the burping part down once she finished the milk. What a team!

I'm posting the website for food sign ups page again, because I've had many requests for it. So here you are:

http://www.foodtidings.com/SignUp.aspx?ScheduleGuid=e761da0f-dad5-4a91-ba9b-51bddbdfbca4

Lulu's having a tough time with this last chemo treatment. She's says that she's very tired and just wants to rest, so I get to care for the newest member of our house tonight. I guess me for yesterday's treatment for Lulu gets me more time with Lourdes? I can't complain about that. I gave Lulu the Neulasta injection (to increase her white blood cell count) just after returning from the hospital with Lourdes. That went well, and I believe this was the first time that I've given a shot outside the confines of a patient's mouth. (I'm finding that typing with one hand and holding a baby with the other is slow going?). I found the skin is a lot tougher then oral mucosa; at least Lulu's is.

I got to do a long swim in the pool this afternoon. I'm trying to stay fit, and shed 10 more pounds from my body (my goal is to get to 185 by the time Lulu has surgery). I have continued to lose weight by changing my diet and exercising three to four times per week? I had to confront some demons as I swam. I have gotten lots of strength just from watching Lulu take on her cancer diagnosis, and I have shared in her positive attitude towards beating the disease, but today I had to confront the vision of caring for these ours kids alone. As I stroked through the salty blue water, trying to keep a rhythm during the first 30 minutes, I could hear a voice lapping at my feet. This was that voice telling me to slow down so they could catch up to me and whisper into my ear about things that I didn't want to hear. I felt them there, stroking through the water just behind me, calling to be to slow down ever so slightly, so they could reason with me about the possibility that my caring, beautiful, strong wife, might not be there for me one day? What would I do then? Could I care for our four kids alone? They were calling to me, what if the cancer returns, what if the drugs don't cure the cancer ridden cells? I quicken my pace. The demons weren't strong or fast enough to catch me. Not on this day. I swim hard staying just enough in front of them that the lapping of the water against the pool walls would drowned them out, all the time believing in only one thing; that Lulu and I were to share a glass of champagne at our 50th wedding anniversary, and our four kids and their kids would be toasting us in celebration of life. I would be kissing her and whispering into her ear how much I love and enjoyed being with her all this time.

I left the pool, knowing that I have beaten back the demons that we all have to confront, and I felt very confident that they wouldn't be back. But just in case, I might stay out of the pool for awhile?