Meeting the radiologist oncologist specializing in breasts

Today I'm thankful for...
Getting to a new year
My back issue staying away from me
That Lulu is feeling physically well
Our so wonderful family to help us through this most difficult time

Last night was a night of rest for both Lulu and I. We were pretty worn out from the stressful new that we had received from the doctors earlier in the day. After room service deliver us a couple of salads, and desserts; I feel right asleep. Lulu had a difficult time with getting to sleep, because the plastic surgeon had given Lulu's breast 125 cc of sterile water into her tissue expanders. These increases to the breast cause discomfort for 24 to 48 hours, due to the fact they stretch out Lulu's skin and muscles. (I'm not sure but I think that Lulu's breasts are looking better now then before surgery?)

Today was to be filled with medical appointments at the UCSF clinic. We were anticipating meeting with the radiology oncologist Dr.Fowble. This is the person that delivers the radiation to treat the cancerous tissues that could be removed during surgery. Lulu had been researching the various radiology groups in Reno and Carson City so she could get a referral to the best provider for her conditions? During this appointment with the oncologist we learned a lot. That the radiology machines used to give the treatment weren't as important as the operator and the technique. Dr.Fowble was pretty clear about the long term results for Lulu's breast structure and the chances of the cancer recurring are closely related to the preciseness of the radiation treatment. After some discussion of whom in Reno area that might provide this special radiation treatment for Lulu, I realized that Lulu would surely get the best treatment for her cancer here at UCSF. I knew at that moment that Lulu would be getting her radiation treatment here. There are so many factors could go wrong during this 5 to 6 week radiation treatment, I just knew that Lulu would want to receive her care anywhere else? I really liked this doctor, and I could tell that Lulu did also. However, this next few months were going to add even more stress to a vary difficult time for the Molina-Wilkerson family. Again Lulu had a number of questions for Dr.Flowble, and to the doctor's credit she stayed for two hours to answer all of them. At the end of the second hour, just after the doctor left, Lulu and I gathered up our things and dragged ourselves from the clinic. We had a long drive home, and a lot of things to discuss in the car on the way home.

As we drove (the rush hour traffic was horrible and our drive home ended up taking us an extra two hours) Lulu and I shared lots of tears. I think that the trip down was very important for answering our questions, but also ended up depressing both of us more then ever. One of the issue that Lulu and I discussed was when one is facing a life threading disease is it better to have care providers that give you only positive news, or is it better to get the real facts without the sugar on top? I think that both Lulu and I came to the conclusion that the later is better for us. We also reminisced about just one year ago we were celebrating being pregnant with out fourth child, and a year later we were in a totally different place. What a year that 2009 turned out to be for us!

We both we in agreement that 2010 was to be a better year, and we couldn't wait to get there.

Our new years with the UCSF doctors

Today I'm thankful for...
Getting to know my wife better in good times and bad
A little time alone with Lulu
My health
Great thoughtful relatives

Thank you and all our wonderful friends for the prayers and the warm thoughts the last 10 months. It's comforting knowing that there are people so caring out there that we consider a part of our family. Lulu and I are blessed to have each other and four beautiful, healthy kids. Everyday we thank the wonderful doctors involved in Lulu's treatment and and God for helping us both get through this difficult time together.

We just returned from UCSF for three days of medical appointments and consultations. Lulu has decided due to her special circumstances that she will receive her radiation treatments in SF at the UCSF treatment facility. This means will we have to work out the details of 5 to 6 weeks of daily radiation treatments in the city by the bay. But this, we both feel, will be the best treatment for her, and give her the best chance at staying cancer free.

We left on Monday morning for the UCSF clinic and hopefully get some of Lulu's questions answered, and be enlighten on her future? The traffic was light on our 4 hour journey to San Francisco, and we arrived just in time for the first of many appointments she was to have in the next three days. We met with Debbie (part nurse practitioner, part psychologist) to discuss Lulu state of being and what she has gone through so far, and what she might expect in the future? She is the wonderful health care provider that has been assigned to follow Lulu through the chemotherapy, the pre-op surgery, and with Lulu's post-op needs. A large portion of this is for the emotional/mental support. Debbie has been instrumental in helping both Lulu and I understand the expectations of this disease and how to mentally manage the feelings that go along with the treatment. I know that one of my biggest struggles during this whole experience has been how to best support my wife? I think through all the stresses of what's next, how is the healing going to go, and will she even be past thinking daily of the cancer that has inflicted her body, I struggle with what to say to her?

We spent 1.5 hours in therapy with Debbie, and I could tell from the tone and the body language my wife was giving off, that this was a part of the treatment that we were missing. As it turns out Lulu has been keeping many thoughts and feelings bottled up, and some of these were brought out during this time. The nurse wanted to see Lulu again the next day, and had presented some questions that she wanted Lulu to answer before tomorrow. I know that I felt a little scared at the end of this hour. Were we doing the right stuff emotionally during this battle, could we have been asking different questions, and why were we both so unsure about the future? These were just some of the issues that Lulu and I needed help on coping with, and right then we knew that we needed help from a outside source. By 3:30 PM we were done for the day both schedule wise, but also emotionally. Lulu and I checked into the hotel and went to do Union Square to drowned our emotions in shopping at Macys (though I was the only one to buy anything during the experience; Lulu told me that she wanted to brag that for the first time J. was the shopper and Lulu came home empty). After having a enjoyable; even intimate dinner together we turned in early as tomorrow's appointments were bound to wear us down?

Tuesdays first appointment was with the oncologist early at 8:30 AM. I was to make sure that I recorded the whole conversation on my iphone. Lulu had come prepared with questions she needed answered. Lulu also had requested and gotten her pathology report from the surgery, so she could review the findings, and possibly formulate a few questions about her circumstances? In the car from Reno Lulu had been reading the pathology report (I think that it's about 6 or 7 pages long). In the report were the post report on the cancerous lesions removed from her right breast. The doctors had told Lulu that the chemotherapy was successful in reducing the size of the three tumors (from 3 to 4 cm to a final 2 cm or so) in the right breast, but the report suggested differently. The surgeon during the procedure recorded that she had removed a tumorous lesion that measured approximately 6 cm. What??? We were confused by the words she had read in the report. How could the chemotherapy be working so well, but the tumor had increased in size? Also, there was a sentence following the size and type of cancer that said, "the course of chemotherapy given to patient was partially successful." We were stunned by this text. Were the doctors just trying to keep our spirits up, or were we just reading between the lines. Lulu added this to the top of her questions to ask the doctors. The oncologist and a Physicians assistant spent between them almost two hours doing a post op check, discussions of the next steps to treatment, and answering our questions. I could tell from the demeanor of the oncologist that we hadn't been getting the whole truth about the severity of Lulu's cancer. The oncologist explained that the next steps for Lulu's treatment would be a 5 to 6 week daily radiation treatment, then starting hormone oral therapy for 5 to 10 years, in which Lulu would be in put into menopause (and for those of you that have gone through this you know the side effects of this), oral chemotherapy for a year, and also due to the "fact that you are at high risk for re-occurrence" you should participate in a trial drug study that in early use has been shown to decrease the occurrence of these types of cancers. Her directness presenting this information was scaring me. I was hoping that Lulu wasn't feeling the same way as I, but I glanced at her to see her reaction, and I could see that she was taking this worse then me? I knew that the future for Lulu had just become more complicated. I just closed down after this part of the consultation, and it seemed the rest of this appointment dragged on forever? Finally, we all said our New Years pleasantries, and we were most eager to get out of there.

Christmas grows near

Today I'm thinking about...
Self motivation
The Christmas season
Truly how much that I have
How I got here?

It has been a very busy week for the Molina-Wilkerson family. This whole last week Lulu and the kids weren't feeling so well. Lulu was complaining of abdominal cramps and just not feeling well in general. I felt really bad for her and the kids, because I can't help them feel better. Through all of the surgeries, the tests, and the preemie baby issues, the hardest thing for me is not being able to take away the pain, and standing by to watch Lulu or Lourdes go through these awful tests, surgery, and appointments. I have heard that people giving support to loved one's with critical health issues many times have as such if not more stress then the sick person. I can tell you this is true for me. Having a strong independent wife that most times wants to do things "her own way" is very difficult to manage. Much of the stress I feel has to do with the fact that I don't feel I can be involved in the process of healing the problems.

Now when Lulu feels sick, like she has this last week, I think that we both secretly think that it could be related to the cancer? Could the chemotherapy depressed the immune system? Did the surgery cause Lulu's body other unseen damage? Once when minor aches and pains effected our family, we just said, "suck it up" it's part of being alive, but now we say, "could this pain be related to the cancer, and what's it all mean?

Yesterday, Lulu make the trip down to UCSF for another follow-up with the doctors on her cancer. I think that they wanted to check her expanders (and expand them), and also she was to meet with the Radiation-Oncologist for the start of the treatment plan for radiation therapy? I was so tried from a long, long, long, busy day at the office that I went to bed early before she arrived from SF. (I was so tired that while I was feeding Lourdes I feel asleep in the chair and was awoken sometime later by my sister) I rarely fall asleep outside of a bed, so I had to be quite tired? I'm eager to find out about the trip, and what was said by the doctors. I'm wondering about when Lulu will start the radiation treatment, where it will be done, what are the side effects she can expect to have? Also, I'm curious about the experimental drug treatment that the doctors have suggested that Lulu do as a follow-up treatment to the chemotherapy, surgery, and the radiation. All these questions we still have, and no answers yet, that's stressful too.

The kids are very excited about the Christmas season, especially Christmas day and Santa bringing the presents to up under the tree. Even Carter is excited for the "big day", and still believes in Santa Claus. (though he starting to ask questions like, how does Santa deliver all those presents in just one night?) It won't be long and the kids will be past this great stage of wonder and belief. This Christmas is shaping up to be just a little more special then all the past Christmas'. When a loved one is facing a potential life shorting event, and you have just experiences the miracle of having baby that struggled for her life, you seem to cherish seemingly simple things just a little more then you might of done in the past.

Our family wants to extend a warm loving Holiday season to you, and my God be looking upon you your family's with loving eyes?

Merry Christmas!!!

Love letter to our oldest

Today I'm thankful for...

Getting some alone time with Lulu

Spending the whole day with my little angel girl, Lourdes

My health

Living in the United States (and having the freedoms I have)

How would you like to change your child's life for the rest of their life? Earlier this year, Lulu and I were asked to do a seemingly simple school project; little did we know that this assignment would end up bringing our family closer together. We were asked, as a school assignment, to write a short letter including our feelings for our oldest son Carter. This story wasn't to be about what Carter might turn out to be 20 or 30 years from now, it was a to be a story of what his parent's true feelings for him are. I think that once you read this, Letter of Love, you will see the power of words put into sentences, and these words can be read again and again throughout your child's lifetime. This was so powerful that Lulu and I are presently writing letters o all four of our children. Please feel free to use the following letter as a template for your child's letter. This letter can be used for any aged child, from infants that will get to read this one day when that have grown, to teens or young adults that can understand how you feel even though you haven't always found the time to voice it.

Lulu and I encourage you to sit down during this holiday season and write your Love Letter? It just might change both your child's view of your love for them, and also you could just opened up that place in your heart that you may not have known was there before?

Here's our letter to Carter:

September 28, 2009

Dear Carter;

On August 18, 2000 it was an amazing day. It was a day we had anticipated and wanted for so long. It was the day we received one of the biggest gifts from God. It was the day you were born. At that moment I knew how much God Loves us. He gave us the opportunity to become mom and dad, to start living a wonderful and special new chapter in our life with you, the new addition to the Wilkerson-Molina Family.

Since that day you have grown into a caring and loving . You have the ability to see someone in need and with encouraging words, you always finds a way to be the person that tells things that make us all feel strong and happy. Just today when mom is not feeling at her best after recovering from medications that will heal but do not feel too great, you said “Mom I am sad for you, I pray for you to feel better’… With these words you made tears and smiles come from our hearts. You are very kind to everyone! You have a great smile that makes people feel better!

Carter we are so proud of what a great big brother you are. We see you encouraging Thomas, when he can’t quite reach the high bars, or is scared to try something new. We love to see you read and play with, Hamilton, and we have many times witness you caring for a booboo that one of you brother have sustained with hugs and love. And we can not forget your love and care for your new little sister Lourdes is so special and gentle.

Carter you have grown to be a mindful and sensitive boy. When and if we have to discipline you (with turns out to be quite infrequently) you become very regretful. We know you care very much about doing and being right most of the time, and if you feel you fall short of the expectations you become sorrowful and apologetic. This makes you, Carter, extremely thoughtful in all your actions and we are so proud of you for this and all your other great values.

But most of all, we enjoy that you are so incredibly affectionate. Our snuggle monster, even at 9 years old, you like to hug and kiss us, mom and dad. We love to smother your cheeks with kisses and tell you how much you are loved. We love to watch you run and play, and grow to this amazing little man. Our first best wish would be that he never out grows this ability to show your love; not only towards your family, but to others that come into your life.

We consider ourselves bless to have a son as bright, smart, healthy, beautiful and loving as you, Carter. You can do anything you set your mind too!

Seeing you smile and looking at your beautiful blue eyes everyday reminds me of all the wonderful blessings God had given us!

When you were little you will say ‘Mom and Dad I love you as big as a tall mountain’… and we will play the game who could say the biggest, tallest or farther thing… Carter…’We love you as big as the universe’… You know you are loved so immensely.

Sent down from God above, especially to fill our home with laughter and with love. You give us so much happiness. We will be always here for you.

We love you, forever

Mommy Lulu & Daddy J

Lulu has put the surgery behind her

Today I'm happy for...

Looks like we might have a white Christmas

My wife's health improving daily

Safe passage to San Francisco and back

Having such cute children

We made the trip to UCSF cancer clinic and back yesterday, but not without having to trek through some difficult driving conditions. Lulu and I got a late start to our trip down for the follow-up appointment for Lulu, and it was 6:45 AM before we got onto the road. The highway down was covered with snow and the CHP had chain controls at Truckee, but because the traffic was backed up for a long way, I decided to take Donner Pass Road. As it turned out Lulu and I didn't make up the time that I figured that we would, and actually ended up on the highway (I-80) at Norden right next to the truck we had been following in Truckee. But the trip over Donner pass was fun and beautiful with all the snow. We made the 11:30 AM schedule appointment at 11:29, and I felt proud that we did that well.

This medical appointment took 2 hours. The doctors were all at a conference in San Antonio so the clinic was close to deserted. Lulu got her three drains removed by one of the surgical nurses, and she was so happy to have them out. During the appointment Lulu ask a number of questions about when she would get the consultation for the radiation treatment, and who she will be meeting the next trip down? I could see the confusion for Lulu on what were the next steps to her treatment battling this terrible disease. There were many unanswered questions that my wife had. Lulu was so happy to be totally done with the surgical part of this journey. How could you blame her?

Getting close to having the drains taken out

Today I'm happy that...
I get to daily have fun with kids, and they call it work
Our families health is good and improving
Lulu has opened up about her feelings
Everyone's help

Tomorrow is a UCSF cancer center trip, and I'm excited for Lulu because she will be getting out the drains and leave all the remnants of the breast surgery behind. This week has been hectic for me. I haven't gotten much time with the family. I haven't been home before 6:30 PM this whole week, and I leave before anyone is up in the morning (we're working a 7 to 5 schedule). When I get home I try to spend as much quality time with the kids as possible, but I'm sure that I haven't spent much alone time with Lulu? I'm really excited about the trip to SF tomorrow for the fact that Lulu and I need some time to talk about our feelings, and for her to open up about her sadness. I know that she struggling with many feelings lately, but I've been avoiding the difficult discussion with her on why and what she feeling. I'm just so mentally and physically drained that I don't want to emotionally be involved during this stressful week. I'm looking forward to being able to recharge the batteries and emotionally be there for Lulu.

Starting this week the Dentistry for Kids team began our "support the cause pink Converse campaign". All 13 employees are sporting their pink converses to show support for Dr. Molina. The patient and their parents really get a kick out of the shoes. I'm thinking about getting myself some of these in other colors for after my pink one's wear out?

Lourdes has been growing really well this last month, and she reached 14 pounds as of last week. She really likes to get "naked" and then is so excited to get her new diaper and clothes put back on. I like to make silly noises as I look into her cute eyes that fill up a large portion of her tiny face and see her smile at me. Lourdes has been losing some of her long black hair and has a portion that has grown out of the side of her head is curls around her ears. Last week we experienced Lourdes rolling onto her back. We are putting her onto her belly and getting her muscles stronger, and she isn't fond of this so she apparently learned how to roll herself over to the back position? This has been the talk of the family now for days. I'm absorbing these little events with Lourdes as much as possible, because I know that for my own kids this is the last chance that I'm going to get with an infant (and I might be too old to enjoy my grand kids in their infancy?).

I'll be hoping that the snow will hold off until Lulu and I have the chance to get over the "pass" and back tomorrow? I'm already thinking about what I'd like to say to Lulu during the trip down and back!

We get the news from the doctors

Today I'm grateful for...
Getting home safely
Spending quality time with my wife
My sister Lori's help
The Holiday spirit

I'm pretty tired after yesterday. I was at the office by 6:15 AM and saw a full schedule of morning patients before Lulu came here and we left for UCSF. The drive to SF when by very quickly. Lulu and I talked about her feelings about the whole cancer thing, and what positive stuff that has come out of this experience. We were in agreement that we both have changed for the better in these last 6 months. We have become more sensitive to each other's emotional needs, and learned to value little things in every day life. We couldn't help but comment on the trees changing color and their beauty during this fall season. We arrived in the parking garage at 3:00 PM, we had made record time (3.5 hours getting here).

I was feeling very confident in the reception room waiting for Lulu to be called back for examination. Weird how I felt because I knew what was a stake with this appointment, would Lulu be cancer free, would she have to have more chemotherapy, more surgery, or worse they hadn't been able to get all the cancer? I was just hoping that the doctors would be on time today, so we didn't have to wait for the results longer then possible? Lulu seemed to be happy, if not a little pensive though? The assistant called Lulu's name at 4:10 PM, and after taking assessment of her post surgery pain, vital signs, and weight, we were shown a examination room. Lulu was to undress from the waist up and lay on the examination table to wait for the doctor. Before the doctors arrived, Lulu wanted to have photos of her upper torso, so I obliged and snapped pictures of the breast drains, bandages, and healing tape that she had on over much of her upper body. As I took the photos I was just praying that under those bandages the cancer was gone?

A few minutes later there was a knock on the examination door and the breast surgeon and the surgical nurse that helped Lulu with pre and post surgery asked to come in (a nice touch over just barging in without knocking or asking whether or not the timing is appropriate). After some of the usually questions were answered by Lulu the bandages were removed to unveil the breasts that had been infiltrated with the cancer cells. When I got a better look, Lulu's breast appeared to me as deflated tires needing a repair and pumped back up with air. Their appearance was what I had remembered of them just they were flat and taped over in the surgical areas. Next the nurse excused herself, and I knew then the prognosis was about to be discussed by the surgeon.

The young woman doctor that had expertly worked on Lulu's infected breasts has really been positive when discussing the details of this disease with us, and today we'd learned was no different. She started by getting right to the issue that was in the forefront of our minds; the cancer. "I believe that in the surgery I got all the cancer from the breasts and the Lymph nodes"? As she continued to explain about the prognosis of the surgery, I became confused. The surgeon mentioned something about the appearance of the cancer; it had a different appearance then expected and the tumors in the right breast had changed shape with the chemotherapy(wider, flatter, and measured 6 CM in width). I wasn't sure what that meant?She didn't seem overly concerned about these findings. The rest of the appointment was about the needed Radiation therapy, when the drains could be removed, and folow up appointments for the long term. These were all clearified between the surgical nurse and Lulu, while I was detacted from the conversation and was thinking about what all this means? Much of what I was thinking about is how far Lulu has come in the process of beating this disease, and how strongly she keep herself during the process? I know that she never had the choice about having breast cancer, but she has made a choice on how to battle it. I couldn't be prouder of the stance she has taken.

We are to return next Friday for the drains to be taken out, and the wounds to be checked.

By the way the "pink support shoes" are giving me strength, and the kids dig them. I thought it was such a great idea, that all the team with be wearing "pink cancer support shoes" starting next week.

My new shoes help support my wife

Today I'm thankful for...

Hearing great stories of hope

Having such a wide variety of emotional support

Great friends and family

A warm house in this cold weather

I received my new shoes today (see the attached photos). I had been looking for just the right shoes to wear that show support for my wife's breast cancer. Last week, after looking for a few weeks, I found just the right pair of pink Chuck Taylor Converse tennis shoes. I'm planning on wearing these shoes until my wife is cancer free. I really want to show my support for her battle, and as lengthy as it might turn out to be I'm going to be there with my pink Converse until I know that she has won this fight.

I'm working hard to get to that 185 lbs. weight. I have been flirting with the 190 lbs. for the last month or so. I have been walking on either the tread machine or around the neighborhood the last few months to try and shed the last 5 pounds or so, and of course improved the diet. I haven't been missing the Soda (specifically Coke), or the once/week red meat self imposed restrictions. I've always heard that that last to 10 pounds is the hardest, now I know what that means. I was good at the Turkey feast, and didn't get carried away with the abundant fixings that was available (with the exception of the Pumpkin Pie, that was hard to stay away from). Physically I feel good, and I'm glad that I've been serious about this life style change, because with all the other stresses I don't need to feel bloated or lethargic.

In two days we will be traveling to UCSF for the results of the surgery (and for the post operative examination of Lulu's surgical site). The anticipation is the most difficult part of this whole experience. This is one instance that I wish I could speed up time!

Emotions are high this Thanksgiving

Today I'm grateful for...

Family surrounding us and supporting us

Sharing this holiday with loved ones

Having plentiful food on the table

Turkeys

The emotions this holiday are on high. Lulu's older sister Doris' family came out to Reno this Thanksgiving from Puerto Rico, and the visit was filled with crying, tears, and bonding. They arrived late Wednesday November 24th, and we allowed the our kids to stay up until they walked in the door which turned out to be around 10:00 PM. By that time the boys were running on adrenaline and the excitement of seeing their cousins. Our families would normally get together either on Thanksgiving or Christmas, but due to Lulu's illness this year they will be flying into Reno or both of these holidays to support us.

Lulu has been feeling sad as of late, and she's beginning to feel the effects of breast cancer surgery on her body. Her right arm is in pain daily and Lulu can't use it a whole lot. I watch her try to hide the issue of a lame, painful arm; and let me tell you she a master at the art of deception. I'm constantly wondering how and what I should do to give her love and support. I do my best to re-frame of commenting on how she should rest or ask for help, because these just make her think that I'm not being supportive. All this cancer treatment, surgery, family, and stress of having a life threatening disease are running Lulu down emotionally. I know that Lulu isn't sleeping well at night, and I also know that she's on edge much more then usual.

Since the surgery over a week ago, I have been awakened nightly to Lulu's faint crying in my sleepy ear. I so desperately want to ask her what's wrong, but I know that she's stricken by grief and never wants to show her venerable side during the day time (especially in front of the kids). I just let her cry herself back to sleep, and inside I'm crying as I think about how utterly sad (and alone) she must feel? I think all the emotions of having breast cancer and battling the demons that come with this disease they are piling up on Lulu. As her husband and confidant in this fight; I really feel helpless in the battle, and I strive to keep my strong facade from crumbling down.

The last three days have been incredibly tense with emotions. We spent the time together as a extended family, and really enjoyed each other's company almost as if we had just told that this was the last time we would all be together? As the weekend comes to an end, and Lulu's family prepares for their journey back to Puerto Rico, Lulu becomes swarmed over with emotion of loneliness. But true to her past behaviors, I find her crying in our bedroom hiding away from any concerned love one. I sat with her holding her hands at the edge of the bed, just letting her cry out the sorrow, and feeling that in some way that I've let her down. I knew that right then we (Lulu's sister, brother in law, and mother) all needed to rally together at her bedside and pray for her recovery, so I when to ask for everyone's support in helping Lulu by praying as a family over her. You could feel the love for not just Lulu, but for each other as we prayed and gave thanks. We all said what we felt and we just let the emotions spill out. I have to tell you that this was one of the hardest nights for me since the cancer diagnosis a long 5 months ago. I was left wondering if I could hold on for three more weeks (this is when they will be returning for Christmas break)?

I'm sure that weighing heavily on Lulu is the up coming follow up appointment at UCSF breast cancer clinic? The results from the surgery will dictate Lulu's future, and what she will be doing next to beat this affliction? I ask God for the strength to see me through this most difficult time. I never have known sadness like I have felt lately, and with time, prayers, and everyone's encouragement; I will break free from the intense woe that I carry. Keep us in your thoughts and if you believe in that power of God; pray for our family?

Lulu's recovering well

Today I'm grateful for...

Lulu feeling better daily

Loving caring kids

Grandma Nellie helping us

Long weekend

These last two days have been filled with sharing, praying, and healing. Lulu gets stronger each day, and she has much less pain then she thought she'd have. Yesterday she when out to get pictures taken of Lourdes, and some running around with her Mom and sister. I think that she over did it yesterday though, because today she tired and using today to rest. Lulu can't carry Lourdes or anything that ways over 10 pounds. She also can't drive for two weeks.

I want to thank all the parents of our patients at the office. I spent 2 hours calling patient's parents that are scheduled on December 2, because that is the day that UCSF scheduled Lulu for her post op follow-up from the surgery. I really want to be there to find out why the biopsies of the cancer that they found in the lymph nodes during last Tuesdays surgery. This appointment is so very important to the future for Lulu's battle with the insidious disease. Will she have to have more surgery? Will Lulu need additional chemotherapy treatments? How about the length of the radiation therapy, will the findings from the surgery change this? If any thing else I want to be there for my courageous wife. I'm so appreciative to the parents in which have been incredibly flexible with their children's appointments. All that we've been going through would have been so much more difficult with out parents support. Thank you!

The recovery begins

Today I'm thankful for the following...

Lulu looking better one day after surgery

Having a great network of friends

Lovely weather in San Francisco

My great health

One day after surgery Lulu has regained her color and looks better then yesterday. Lulu has been getting nauseous from the time she came out of surgery, so she had requested anti-nauseous medications to keep her from getting sick. However, these medications have really sedated her deeply. She has been either asleep or vomiting since last night. She's been so sleepy that once when she was awake and she was trying to eat some dinner, right as I was talking to her and she was eating she feel asleep with the fork halfway to her mouth. I would have to stimulate her with a nudge in the arm to wake her. Doris and I have been alternating being with her in the hospital during the second day post surgery. One positive is I'm getting to spend lots of father/daughter time with Lourdes. Earlier in the day my sister left to return home, and I know that Doris and I can handle caring for Lulu and take care of the little princess.

I'm not sure that I've mentioned that all of us are getting to stay at a wonderful 3 bedroom/2 bathroom flat in the Cow Hollow section of San Francisco. Donated to us by a caring, very generous family. This has lessened the stress of where to stay and how much it will cost us. Just one less thing that we need to worry about. Let me tell you the accommodations are splendid, and I couldn't think of a better place that we could have stayed? The family normally rents out the space on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, but allowed us to stay for free as long as it took for Lulu to recover from her surgery. This is just one example of how people (even one's that we've never met) are helping Lulu and I get though this breast cancer ordeal.

My hope would be that if anyone needs a place to stay in San Francisco they stay here, and that we would all support the Tate family. Please, help me thank them for their generosity and look into staying here when your in San Francisco.

Check it out. Here's the link to the listing: Cow Hollow Rental Home San Francisco

Tonight is going to be a special night for me. Lulu is getting stronger, will soon be able to go home, and I get to share the night with my little cutie girl Lourdes. Lourdes and I haven't gotten quality time this last week to share each other's company, so I'm going to make the best of our alone time together. I'm sure that I couldn't feel any better then I do tonight? Things are showing improvement hourly, and I just know that the future for all our family is going to be extremely bright!

Surgery Day

Today I'm thankful for...

Lulu's medical team

Having the choice to get Lulu's treatment done where we choose

Doris (Lulu's sister) to be here to help in this difficult time

Lori (my sister) for sitting with Lourdes

Today was a huge day for Lulu in her fight again this terrible disease. We were to arrive at 6 AM at the UCSF (Mt Zions) hospital for pre-op check-in, so we got a very early start. As Lulu, Doris, and I drove the 20 or so blocks to the hospital, I couldn't help but think about how strong Lulu was facing this daily climb of fighting breast cancer. She was only concentrating on the getting better outcomes and what she was going to do in the next weeks to recover from the surgery. I haven't heard any negativity about why she was the one to spawn this cancer, and she seems to believe that all this was meant to help her be a better person, and show her a new life. We arrived to a very desolate hospital at 5:45 AM. I think that the only staff were the security guards from the night shift? We had been shown the routine the previous day, so the checking-in for the surgery was quite smooth.

We were in for a treat this early morning. The pre-op nurse was a happy sole, and she made the whole hour long experience for all of us entertaining (little did we know that she would make the rest of the hospital team that we came into contact with flat and uninterested impaired to her). This nurse we had found out was originally from New York City (The Bronx) but that she had a Chicago accent. It turns out that when she was a young girl she had some difficulty with speaking and needed a tutor to help her in the classroom, and her parents could only afford to have the neighbor lady help her learn to speak better. As she continues her story, as she busily prepping Lulu for the upcoming surgery, she now understands that the neighbor lady was a Chicagoan and had the thick Italian Chicago access to go along with her thick Italian figure. So, this animated nurse was proficient in her job, and at the same time enjoying the interaction with the people that she was caring for. However, I don't think that she realized that she wasn't only taking care of a beautiful cancer patient, but she was making her family feel just a little better the impending surgery. I was left to wonder why we can't all find our happy point, and just like her brighten the days of everyone that we come into contact with?

Next the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon arrived to answer any questions that we all might have before to disappear to finalize the details of the next 7 or 8 hours. I wanted to ask, "are you really sure that she has breast cancer before you start," but I thought better of it (this was Lulu's time to get her questions answered, not a time for lame comments from the husband). I think one of the hardest parts of all this for me is not being able to handle my stress with quick humor as I normally would. I have found that I respond better to life be cracking one liners, or just trying to make people laugh any way that I can. Though all of these last 5 months I have been cautious with my humor and in the process have lost some of my spontaneity. After biting on my tongue, to keep those comments from flying out, we watched as the surgeon left and the surgical team entered.

I think that Lulu got a little nervous when she found herself being questions and watched by 10 various medical personnel? Being a teaching institution there were resident and attending surgeons, resident and attending anesthesiologists, head OR nurse, and then many other support staff for Lulu. All of them have a specific duty to preform and some were getting educated along the way? I could see some of the repeated questions were wearing on Lulu's nerves, and I think that she was just ready to, "Let's, Get It On, " as the famous attorney Mills Lane used to say. At last they were ready to wheel the gurney back to the operating room and make the cancer disappear. I was very hopeful that the whole surgery was go as planned and the next time I see my best friend, she would be cancer free and past one more of the huge hurtles in her recovery? We kissed and hugged on last time, and then she passed through the automatic doors of the operation room. I felt a rush of emotion fall upon me, and I had to turn from Doris to wipe away the streaming tears that caressed by cheeks. I couldn't help but be angered by the thoughts of, Why Lulu. What has she ever done to deserve this fate? The next 9 hours were to be agonizingly long!

Doris stayed in the family surgery lounge, while I walked back to the flat that we were staying in for the week. I needed to walk off the stress of the unknown. I didn't really enjoy the walk as I'm sure that on any other day I would. How can't you absorb the wonders of a scenic view of the Golden Gate bridge, and all the beautiful Victorian houses that fill the Pacific Heights neighborhood that I passed through. All I could think about is how Lulu was enduring getting her body cut up as the surgeons try to save her life. I really didn't care if the passersby saw my tears or not. I just concentrated on not tripping over my feet as I absently made my way the two miles back. When I finally arrived I saw that Lourdes was giving my sister Lori a hand full, and I helped her with a feeding and a diaper change, before I was to return to the hospital. I surgeon had informed us that she expected to be done by 12 noon, so I wanted to get back a little early so not to miss the doctor's news about her success with Lulu's surgery? I got back to UCSF at 11 o'clock (plenty of time earlier then the doctor said that she might be done, just in case). Doris was catnapping when I walked into the surgery family waiting area, so I quietly slipped into the waiting room chair next to her, and began reading form my iPhone.

We patiently waited for some information on the outcome of Lulu's surgery. 12 noon came and when with no sign of the surgeon. Doris and I talked about Lulu and how stubborn and strong that she is. We re-hashed how far she had come from the first diagnosis and what she still needed to do to recover. We discussed, but couldn't discover, why someone like Lulu gets cancer and others like ourselves don't? How might all this effect the kids, and what I should be doing to help them through this? We were praying that the all the cancer would be done post surgery and Lulu would have a quick, uneventful recovery. Mostly we just reminisced how get a sister Lulu was and how I couldn't ask for a better wife and mother for the children. Before we knew it the time had slipped past 1 PM and still we had heard anything yet. With every passing minute we got increasingly more worried, and each time someone would enter the waiting area's door we both would leap out of our chairs thinking that this was the news we had been waiting for? Finally, around 1:20 PM we got word that the surgeon was finishing up Lulu's surgery and would be in to talk to us in about 15 minutes. 45 minutes later the lady doctor walked in, and my heart leaped out of my chest. I wasn't sure that I could get to my feet and follow her out into the hall for a report? Somehow I got my balance and made it out the door and into the hall where the surgeon was waiting to deliver the news. All I could think was with all this waiting, we better get a complete report on Lulu's status and her diagnosis? I felt mind was detached from my body, and I couldn't tell my legs to function properly. It seemed to take me a hour to get out the receive the surgeon's report, but I eventually took a position next to Doris and a crossed from the doctor.

The surgeon seemed calm and positive as she began to speak about her last 7 hours of work. Was this a look of success, or that well practiced doctor's ability to deliver the gloomy news expressively? She began (as they always do with the positive news first) with how great Lulu had done with not losing as much blood as they anticipated, and that her heart really handled the 7 hour surgery well. Both breasts were removed without much difficultly, and that not much muscle was damaged during the process. Also, they biopsies the left breast tissue, and found no cancer contained within the tissues. Wow, I was really gaining my strength with this news, but then came the less positive news of the surgery. The surgeon spoke of finding cancer in a number of lymph nodes in the right axilla and that they had to remove at least 20 presumably cancerous nodes there. She informed us that they will be doing a complete biopsy on these nodes in the following weeks and that once that's finished, she could give us a better idea of what's next for Lulu? For sure she will need a aggressive radiation therapy treatment and possibly more chemotherapy or surgery at some point in the future. I was just happy to hear that she made it through the surgery and I was to be able to see you soon. All the other information could wait. I wanted to concentrate on one positive thing at a time.

We wanted for another 2.5 hours for the surgery to wrap up and Lulu to pass though the recovery portion of the hospital. We weren't allowed to be with her in the recovery phase, so Doris and I both got a bite to eat (since it had been since breakfast at around 8 AM the last time we had eaten) and caught small catnaps while waiting for Lulu to wake enough to be sent to a room for her 3 day recovery. Finally, at 5:30 PM Doris and I were summonsed by a nurse that we could escort Lulu to hear room on the 4th floor. When I set my eyes on her I immediately felt the tension fall away from my body and I was so happy that she looked alive with relief (but she was very pale, almost ghostly in her appearance). Lulu was quite drugged up and sleeping for the rest of the evening, so I left to return to Lourdes and give my sister a break after the 10 hours day she endured with little Lourdes. I was looking forward to the first really good night of rest that I would have for the last week!

Day before the surgery

Today I'm grateful for...

Only one more day until this surgery is over for Lulu

My sister and sister-in-law for their help

Great care for my wife

Prayers from many

Wow, what a busy and stressful day. We started out early for the UCSF cancer clinic (at 8 AM) and didn't return until 6 PM. It was a day filled with anticipation, trepidation, and frustration for us all. We Lulu, Doris, and I all started with our spirits high and looking forward to getting lots of great pre-surgery information, and mostly that happened; however, I have to say that we're very disappointed in the insurance/hospital game. After a couple of hours and talking with a few different individuals the clinic couldn't give us an estimate on the costs of the surgery. (anesthesia, OR room, 3 nights hospital bed, and the surgeons fees). All that they could tell us is that they would have a better idea after the surgery is done. I was very surprised by this response, and I have to see a bit angered. I spent the rest of the day thinking of what other occupation just tells the consumer that they need a certain service, but they can't tell them (estimate) what is the cost going to be. Why are we putting up with that? Lulu and I got no where with the administration at UCSF. I got to thinking how quickly I'd go out of business as a dentist if I was to tell a patient that I need to place a crown on their tooth, but until I'm finished I can't tell them the cost. No one would come to me. And besides honor and integrity want would keep me from charging whatever I wanted? Do people having surgeries in the US just don't ask these questions because their insurance pays the difference? Lulu and I are paying out of network and we care what the charges are going to be and what portion we will be responsible for. Unfortunately, we don't have the time to investigate the issue as the surgery is tomorrow at 7 AM. Why should patients have to worry about the finances and insurance coverage of their medical costs, especially days before their surgeries?

Lulu was stressed about a few more issues also. We met with the pre-op nurse in the morning to discuss the anesthesia for her surgery. As it turns out UCSF has nurse anesthetist providing the anesthesia for the hospital. While that fact wasn't the main issue, Lulu asked the nurse how's in charge and how many surgeries is are they over seeing? The nurse wasn't exactly sure of this, but said that it was normally a attending anesthesiologist and they were in charge of 2 to 4 cases (nurse anesthetist). Again this wasn't the main factor for Lulu either, but the nurse told Lulu that she didn't know who the anesthesiologist was, so she thought that he was new to the hospital. Because Lulu has a lot of experience with providing patients general anesthesia at the hospital, she's a little more critical about what is the procedures especially since it's her body that's getting operated on. I could tell that she was visibly shaken by these facts, and I did my best to calm her and renew her confidence.

Lourdes traveled along with us, and she helping to keep us occupied. Between Doris and I we managed to keep her happy most of the day. Lourdes has gained so much weight this last couple of weeks. So even though you want to continuously hold her, her size (13 pds) limits you to only 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I ended up walking Lourdes all over the neighborhoods around the UCSF breast cancer clinic in the stroller while Lulu had her pre-op appointments with the surgeons (since I had been with Lulu to all the morning appointments, I thought that it would be nice to have Lulu's sister accompany her). I think that Lulu's just ready to get this surgery over with? I can sure understand that!

After meeting my cousin Chris out for dinner in the city (the last supper), we all retired to the flat to get some needed sleep before having to get up super early to get to the hospital by 6 AM.

Lulu's message to all

It has been some crazy six months.

During this time I have learn to look at life, my faith, my family and friends in such a different way.

I knew that there is good, but I have been amaze of how amazing human kind is. It has been so humbling to feel the prayers, support and help we have received the last six months.

From praying for Lourdes, our family and I.

To cards, notes, treats, ~(like Holly water from the Virgin of Lourdes (WOW!), books, blankets)~ emails that has made my days and lift my spirits specially during those bad days that I keep to myself.

All those other things you all have done, like the way I know my kids are taken care of and love at school (like during Thomas Kinder graduation and more) and when with friends (specially during the summer times)..., complementary hotels stays, a great friend driving with me to a long medical appointment, beautiful scrap book pages for Lourdes album, free babysitting so I could go to the hospital to visit Lourdes for 4 hours in the morning during her long stay at the NICU, dropping off and giving us free formula for Lourdes, traveling from far (like Puerto Rico, Texas and CA) to be with me during chemo and to help with the kids, having the Swans driver drop a ton of yummy food, special rosary made/blessed for us, having a friends and family do the race for the cure with my name on their shirts...

To amazing and delicious meals that gave me the opportunity to spend more quality times with my kids and family without having to worry about what is for dinner tonight, groceries and the cooking. It all allow me to rest but also help the boys with their home work, go their baseball games, even attend breast cancer support groups.

For the support of my loving husband that has been by my side with hair and no hair days, during long drives, when I have felt tired and overwhelm. The sincere and giving spirit of my sisters and mom and all their encouragement and all their long distance trips to be here for my family and I . From in-laws that are there to help when we need the most. For the opportunity to get closer to distant relatives and for the opportunity to know them better and in a different light.

Thanks for all your advise and stories. They all have help and given me strength to endure some the difficult appointments and have made the decision making process easier.

Sorry that I have not quick to reply, but I will guaranty to all of you that I am grateful of all and all your kindness have made a difference during this journey.

I can feel how God has been walking by my side every step of the way and how he will be with me during this next step.

As a mother and wife I pray to Mary to help me be strong for my family and friends.

At the end of this journey we will all be different (I think we already are), there is no doubt that we will be closer to GOD.

The last six months have been the best time in my life.

Thanks to you all, Thanks for you friendship, support and specially prayers. Thanks for all you done...

I could not have done this without any of you.

God Bless,

Hugs

~Lulu~

Lourdes' hernia surgery is postponed

Today I'm thankful for...

Having 4 kids

Being able to spend the day with the family

Getting outside for a walk (even if it was dark)

A warm house (it was very cold today)

On Friday Lulu and I made the scheduled trip to Lourdes' surgeon for a consultation about the scheduled December 10th hernia surgery. We had the ever whiny Hamilton with us for this visit, and let me tell you he was in one of those moods (where he was fussing, or crying about most everything around him), so I was putting out fires and Lulu was trying to concentrate on Lourdes' appointment with the surgeon. After we all were escorted back to an small examination room (one barely large enough for two people and we had two adults and two child), we waited a short time for the Physician assistant to arrive. They weighed Lourdes (she weighed in at a whopping 12.5 pounds), gave her a RSV vaccination, and spent what seems like a lot of time feeling/examining her lower abdomen. We got some really good news. It seems the PA or the surgeon couldn't palpate the hernias today, and they want to wait another 3 to 6 months before seeing Lourdes again for a check-up. I was left wondering if she was going to be able to avoid the surgery altogether? Her little belly is so small, how could they even feel the hernias in the first place? Anyway, I'm not going to be complaining here, because I'm really extremely happy that our family has avoided at least one surgery this year. Lulu and I looked at each other and I could see the surprise in her eyes. I had a smile as big as the grand canyon inside, and I felt a great relief lifting off my shoulders. I wondered could our families fortunes get any better? The good new lately was becoming frequent, and I just hoped that it would hold out for Lulu's cancer surgery on Tuesday?

Tomorrow we'll be packing the bags and traveling down to San Francisco to prepare for the operation week. Lulu has been eerily quite these last few days, and I'm not sure how to respond? I know that I'm nervous about the week ahead, and I'm sure that she thinking about how the trips going to unfold? I've been walking (a 4 mile route) everyday this week. Mostly I want time to think and pray for the success of this next week in SF. I have had nothing but positive thoughts about how it all is to turn out, and I refuse to let doubt creep into my mind. Knowing all the prayers that everyone is bestowing onto Lulu makes me feel great and blessed that we have such a large support group. Lulu is facing this surgery so bravely, and as when she was first diagnosed with this aggressive breast cancer, I'm standing on emotionally shaky ground. I find myself trying to sleep though a lot of these last 4 or 5 days, but my attempts aren't as successful as I'd like? As tired as I've been lately, I don't feel like I've had a good night's sleep for 4 months now? (having a new premature infant isn't helping either). This is going to be a trying week; Lulu having the surgery, being away from the boys for 5 or 6 days, getting the results of the surgery diagnosis, staying in a bed that's not my own, sharing a temporary home with my sister-in-law Doris, and being the main nurturer for Lourdes while Lulu recovers. I just pray that I can be the atlas upon all the stress can be supported? I'm just so glad that my back is feeling strong!!!

Lourdes returns to the intensive care unit at Saint Mary's

Today I'm thankful for...

Having a wonderful team of humanitarians to care for Lourdes in the hospital

Great people to work daily with at Dentistry for Kids

God looking out for Lulu during her surgery and the recovery period

A strong wife

Today we made a return to where the crazy events of the last 6 months started, St. Mary's hospital. Lulu, Dr. Zeff, our boys, Lourdes, and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 with gifts to thank the staff for getting us through these difficult times. We had came with Pumpkin pies, brownies, Oral-B power brushes (for after they eat all the sweets), and Lourdes' birth announcements. Since leaving the hospital on August 23rd, we haven't been back to visit until tonight. It was nice to acknowledge the people that took care of our little girl and give her a chance to live a long, healthy life. We are indebted to these super care givers, and wanted them to see the love of our life as a 12 pound healthy little girl.

When we arrived in the NICU unit we were told that they haven't been that busy lately, so many of the nurses that cared for Lourdes weren't there this evening. We got to catch up with a few of the nurses and share Lourdes with them for a while, and leave the goodies for them all to enjoy. It really felt good seeing these gals, and even better giving them a glimpse of want their efforts have helped Lourdes become. I can't tell you how much these wonderful people have touched our lives and helped Lourdes (and us) get through those first 3 months of her life. This wasn't even close to being able to pay back every one's efforts for Lourdes' care, but it's the only thing we knew to do to try to show our appreciation.

Less than a week to the surgery

Today I'm grateful for...

Being able to keep a journal of my life's experiences

Loving caring children

Getting a chance to change peoples life's

My good health

Lulu's surgery is less then one week away. We haven't had much of an opportunity to discuss the details of the kids schedule, surgery schedule in SF, or the expectations of the surgery. I'm planning on getting some time to spend alone with her to share the expectation of the next week and really the next few months while she is recovering? I know that the whole event is weighing heavily on Lulu conscious, and that she is a little scared about having this major operation.

I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but what so you way to someone that's having a major surgery? Especially one that effects her womanhood? Lulu's been so strong through all this and seeing her deal with the adversity helps me be strong. I know that I have my moments, but I'm trying to keep myself busy not to think about everything that happened to Lulu and everything that's coming up?

I've included this picture above because Lulu was so proud of her "bump" while she was pregnant with Lourdes.

Lulu and I get engaged in Las Vegas

Today I'm grateful for...

A restful weekend

Great friends that care

Private time with my wife

Beautiful fall weather

Today I was thinking about when I first knew that I wanted to marry Lulu Molina. I remember wondering if there's any true way to know if a person is the right one to spend the rest of your life with?

Lulu and I had been dating for three years and it was time to move forward or move on. Before the engagement trip to Las Vegas, I had made some uncharacteristic (for me) relationship decisions during the time that Lulu and I have been together. We began our courtship just as I was finishing my dental school education, and I had been preparing for the California Dental examination for 6 months, and knew that I had to follow through attempting to be licensed to practice dentistry in California. The preparation for dental exams is quite extensive and costly, plus I really had my mind set on practicing in California or in a state near there. Since Lulu and I had only been dating for a few months there wasn't a lot of relationship expectations when I graduated in June 1993, and I packed up my car for the long drive to California. Lulu and I had discussed our feelings about a future and I had always made it clear to her that I wanted to return to the west coast to live.

Even with all the uncertainty, I knew that after I had taken the exam in California, I was going to return to Ohio and continue my courtship with Lulu. That's is exactly what I did. I arrived back in Columbus in July 1993. Lulu and I not only continued our relationship, but we also grew our love and respect for each other. The next 2 years Lulu and I spending an incredible amount of time together. Our many conversations ended in us about moving to California once Lulu finished her Pediatric dental residency. Lucky for me, Lulu was open to the idea, but if, and only if, we had made a long term promise to continue our life together in marriage.

I made the decision to spend the rest of my life with this wonderfully woman when my father died after having a massive stoke in 1996. My father passed on only living 57 years in this world. (see the picture above my father at 18 years of age he is on the right and his younger brother on the left. He looks a lot like me with darker hair?). Lulu and I had just travelled to California 6 months earlier in part so she could meet my father. I never had much of a chance to get to know the man that 28 years earlier was there to introduce me to the world, but his passing did awaking my since of immortality. His death helped me see that you must sometimes take calculated chances in life, and if you want for everything to be perfect you just might never live? I knew that my relationship with Lulu wasn't without concerns, but if I really wanted to life I needed to take a step out side of my box. So, before the trip to California to attend my father's funeral and wake, I made a plan for the rest of my life.

As a graduating dental student my financial picture was ladened with debt (I finished dental school owning enough money to buy a decent home in 1993), so I was stressed about how I was to come up with equal to one's month salary for an diamond engagement ring (luckily I was only making about $2500/month as a dental associate two days a week and part time faculty member)? I spent the better of 2 months researching diamonds, setting, and cost of rings by visiting most of the jewelry stores in the greater Columbus area (I wasn't using the internet at the time, because I could have saved myself a lot of time). After much trepidation I finally choose a 1 carat round diamond in a gold plain band. I can tell you that the process was much more involved then I would have imagined, but I was so excited that I was going to "pop the question" and ask for Lulu's hand in marriage.

I was to travel to Puerto Rico with Lulu to visit her family for the Thanksgiving holidays and I figured what a perfect opportunity to approach Lulu's father about asking her for her hand in marriage? I don't remember being nervous asking her father to marry her even though I didn't know him very well at all. I just knew that this was the Puerto Rican custom and I was expected to honor it. I think that someone had prepared Lulu's father for my approach, because he didn't seemed surprised by my wanting to marry his middle daughter? Maybe he just liked me and he was happy to get her married off? In any event, he said that I had his blessing and wanted to know when and what our plan was up until the big day? I said that when we knew that he be one of the first to know the plan, and I then turned to thoughts to when and how I was to propose marriage?

We had planned on taking a trip in February to Las Vegas to look at a specific dental practice that we had hoped to practice in, and I know that I was going to ask her to marry me sometime during that trip? So, I set the plan for engagement in motion. I had only been to Las Vegas once before, but I remembered that there were many fun activities for adults there. I have been accused over the 15 years we've been together that I can't remember the details of the important events of our past; however, I can tell you that I remember every second of the day leading up to the time that I asked Lulu to marry me. I was so tense that everything would go as planned, not that she would say yes, but that one of us would get sick after the dinner, or that the helicopter that we were to ride on wouldn't have engine trouble? The day was just flowing magnificently, and when we stepped onto the helicopter I wasn't sure that I could keep up my nerve to ask the question? (I didn't plan on the fact that you have to wear headphones on helicopters, and you couldn't talk to each other on the 45 minute adventure). Lucky, I didn't have to say anything. I just took out the ring box and opened it up to show Lulu and she knew what my intentions were. She nodded with her head forward and back and I took that to mean yes she wanted to marry me? (I just that her head might have been rocking back and forth from the jerky up and down motions of the copter?). I know as we arrived to the helipad my emotions were all over the place. Would I be a good husband, what comes next, how does one act once engaged? I knew that the answers would come in time, and the real important part was that Lulu and I were in love and now on that journey to spending the rest of our lives together.

Lourdes gives my life perspective

Today I'm thankful for...

My appreciation for life

Spending a great day with Lourdes

Playing with Hamilton

Getting to clean the garage (not everyone even has one)

I can't stop thinking about how far Lourdes has come in her short 5 months of life? It still amazing to think that just 10 years ago Lourdes' probability to have an normal healthy life when being born 3.5 months earlier then planned, would be much lower then it is today. She is growing and developing better then we could have expected for a full term baby. Today Lulu and I met at the neonatal pulmonary doctors office to access Lourdes' growth and development. She's the wonder child. Can you believe that she weighs 12 pds, and is in the 75 percentile for her adjusted age (even though Lourdes is actually 5.1 months old, her due date was September 1 and her adjusted age is 2.1 months). The doctor made an observation that completely summed up Lourdes' progress, "if I didn't already know that this little girl wasn't born at 26 weeks, I would have any idea why she is here today?" How that's more then we could have hoped for this appointment. Another building block for the Molina -Wilkerson family.

I spent most of the rest of the day caring for Lourdes and playing with Hamilton. I so cherish these father/daughter times, and while Hamilton took his afternoon nap, Lourdes and I alternated between feeding, snuggling, and changing her diaper. She wanted to be awake for much of our sharing time. As Lourdes laid in my lap, I was mesmerized by how she likes to reach her arms up to the sky and roll those tiny hands into fists. I would play with her toes and see if I can get her to smile for me? We play tuppie, tuppie (rubbing noses together) and I talk to her as if she knows exactly what I'm saying? Each day I learn something new from her. Today Lourdes lets out a Elmo like cackle as I tickle her belly, and she squeals with delight as make raspberries with my mouth. I find it difficult to put her down in the bassinet or the baby swing. I know that our time together will come to an end with Mommy returns home with the other boys (or Hamilton wakes from his nap), but for now Lourdes and I are the only people in the whole universe.

The surgery looms ahead

Today I'm thinking about...

Being the best person I can be

End of another successful week

A super duper cute baby to care for

My wife's strength

Lulu and I finally had a chance to talk about the looming surgery at UCSF in two weeks. She has decided with much thought and trepidation that the best option for her surgery in two weeks is to have the bi-lateral mastectomy only, and have breast implant surgery post radiation and hormone treatments. So, lulu feels that after weighing all the options this is the has the best long term success rate for her. I could see and hear the relief she had making the final choice, and setting her mind onto the next stage of recovery. I'm just happy that she could move past the difficult process of what is best for me, especially when their are benefits and disadvantages to all the options.

We reviewed just what was to happen during the November 16th surgery week? We will arrive in SF on Sunday evening to prepare for the week long surgical experience. Monday Lulu has a number of pre-surgical appointments and Tuesday she will be having the surgery at 6AM. Her recovery in patient will be minimally until Friday, and with luck we will be returning to Reno either Friday night late, or possibly Saturday AM? I know that I'm eager to move past this stage of the breast cancer experience, and I sure that Lulu is even more anxious that I to get this over with?