My new shoes help support my wife

Today I'm thankful for...

Hearing great stories of hope

Having such a wide variety of emotional support

Great friends and family

A warm house in this cold weather

I received my new shoes today (see the attached photos). I had been looking for just the right shoes to wear that show support for my wife's breast cancer. Last week, after looking for a few weeks, I found just the right pair of pink Chuck Taylor Converse tennis shoes. I'm planning on wearing these shoes until my wife is cancer free. I really want to show my support for her battle, and as lengthy as it might turn out to be I'm going to be there with my pink Converse until I know that she has won this fight.

I'm working hard to get to that 185 lbs. weight. I have been flirting with the 190 lbs. for the last month or so. I have been walking on either the tread machine or around the neighborhood the last few months to try and shed the last 5 pounds or so, and of course improved the diet. I haven't been missing the Soda (specifically Coke), or the once/week red meat self imposed restrictions. I've always heard that that last to 10 pounds is the hardest, now I know what that means. I was good at the Turkey feast, and didn't get carried away with the abundant fixings that was available (with the exception of the Pumpkin Pie, that was hard to stay away from). Physically I feel good, and I'm glad that I've been serious about this life style change, because with all the other stresses I don't need to feel bloated or lethargic.

In two days we will be traveling to UCSF for the results of the surgery (and for the post operative examination of Lulu's surgical site). The anticipation is the most difficult part of this whole experience. This is one instance that I wish I could speed up time!

Emotions are high this Thanksgiving

Today I'm grateful for...

Family surrounding us and supporting us

Sharing this holiday with loved ones

Having plentiful food on the table

Turkeys

The emotions this holiday are on high. Lulu's older sister Doris' family came out to Reno this Thanksgiving from Puerto Rico, and the visit was filled with crying, tears, and bonding. They arrived late Wednesday November 24th, and we allowed the our kids to stay up until they walked in the door which turned out to be around 10:00 PM. By that time the boys were running on adrenaline and the excitement of seeing their cousins. Our families would normally get together either on Thanksgiving or Christmas, but due to Lulu's illness this year they will be flying into Reno or both of these holidays to support us.

Lulu has been feeling sad as of late, and she's beginning to feel the effects of breast cancer surgery on her body. Her right arm is in pain daily and Lulu can't use it a whole lot. I watch her try to hide the issue of a lame, painful arm; and let me tell you she a master at the art of deception. I'm constantly wondering how and what I should do to give her love and support. I do my best to re-frame of commenting on how she should rest or ask for help, because these just make her think that I'm not being supportive. All this cancer treatment, surgery, family, and stress of having a life threatening disease are running Lulu down emotionally. I know that Lulu isn't sleeping well at night, and I also know that she's on edge much more then usual.

Since the surgery over a week ago, I have been awakened nightly to Lulu's faint crying in my sleepy ear. I so desperately want to ask her what's wrong, but I know that she's stricken by grief and never wants to show her venerable side during the day time (especially in front of the kids). I just let her cry herself back to sleep, and inside I'm crying as I think about how utterly sad (and alone) she must feel? I think all the emotions of having breast cancer and battling the demons that come with this disease they are piling up on Lulu. As her husband and confidant in this fight; I really feel helpless in the battle, and I strive to keep my strong facade from crumbling down.

The last three days have been incredibly tense with emotions. We spent the time together as a extended family, and really enjoyed each other's company almost as if we had just told that this was the last time we would all be together? As the weekend comes to an end, and Lulu's family prepares for their journey back to Puerto Rico, Lulu becomes swarmed over with emotion of loneliness. But true to her past behaviors, I find her crying in our bedroom hiding away from any concerned love one. I sat with her holding her hands at the edge of the bed, just letting her cry out the sorrow, and feeling that in some way that I've let her down. I knew that right then we (Lulu's sister, brother in law, and mother) all needed to rally together at her bedside and pray for her recovery, so I when to ask for everyone's support in helping Lulu by praying as a family over her. You could feel the love for not just Lulu, but for each other as we prayed and gave thanks. We all said what we felt and we just let the emotions spill out. I have to tell you that this was one of the hardest nights for me since the cancer diagnosis a long 5 months ago. I was left wondering if I could hold on for three more weeks (this is when they will be returning for Christmas break)?

I'm sure that weighing heavily on Lulu is the up coming follow up appointment at UCSF breast cancer clinic? The results from the surgery will dictate Lulu's future, and what she will be doing next to beat this affliction? I ask God for the strength to see me through this most difficult time. I never have known sadness like I have felt lately, and with time, prayers, and everyone's encouragement; I will break free from the intense woe that I carry. Keep us in your thoughts and if you believe in that power of God; pray for our family?

Lulu's recovering well

Today I'm grateful for...

Lulu feeling better daily

Loving caring kids

Grandma Nellie helping us

Long weekend

These last two days have been filled with sharing, praying, and healing. Lulu gets stronger each day, and she has much less pain then she thought she'd have. Yesterday she when out to get pictures taken of Lourdes, and some running around with her Mom and sister. I think that she over did it yesterday though, because today she tired and using today to rest. Lulu can't carry Lourdes or anything that ways over 10 pounds. She also can't drive for two weeks.

I want to thank all the parents of our patients at the office. I spent 2 hours calling patient's parents that are scheduled on December 2, because that is the day that UCSF scheduled Lulu for her post op follow-up from the surgery. I really want to be there to find out why the biopsies of the cancer that they found in the lymph nodes during last Tuesdays surgery. This appointment is so very important to the future for Lulu's battle with the insidious disease. Will she have to have more surgery? Will Lulu need additional chemotherapy treatments? How about the length of the radiation therapy, will the findings from the surgery change this? If any thing else I want to be there for my courageous wife. I'm so appreciative to the parents in which have been incredibly flexible with their children's appointments. All that we've been going through would have been so much more difficult with out parents support. Thank you!

The recovery begins

Today I'm thankful for the following...

Lulu looking better one day after surgery

Having a great network of friends

Lovely weather in San Francisco

My great health

One day after surgery Lulu has regained her color and looks better then yesterday. Lulu has been getting nauseous from the time she came out of surgery, so she had requested anti-nauseous medications to keep her from getting sick. However, these medications have really sedated her deeply. She has been either asleep or vomiting since last night. She's been so sleepy that once when she was awake and she was trying to eat some dinner, right as I was talking to her and she was eating she feel asleep with the fork halfway to her mouth. I would have to stimulate her with a nudge in the arm to wake her. Doris and I have been alternating being with her in the hospital during the second day post surgery. One positive is I'm getting to spend lots of father/daughter time with Lourdes. Earlier in the day my sister left to return home, and I know that Doris and I can handle caring for Lulu and take care of the little princess.

I'm not sure that I've mentioned that all of us are getting to stay at a wonderful 3 bedroom/2 bathroom flat in the Cow Hollow section of San Francisco. Donated to us by a caring, very generous family. This has lessened the stress of where to stay and how much it will cost us. Just one less thing that we need to worry about. Let me tell you the accommodations are splendid, and I couldn't think of a better place that we could have stayed? The family normally rents out the space on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, but allowed us to stay for free as long as it took for Lulu to recover from her surgery. This is just one example of how people (even one's that we've never met) are helping Lulu and I get though this breast cancer ordeal.

My hope would be that if anyone needs a place to stay in San Francisco they stay here, and that we would all support the Tate family. Please, help me thank them for their generosity and look into staying here when your in San Francisco.

Check it out. Here's the link to the listing: Cow Hollow Rental Home San Francisco

Tonight is going to be a special night for me. Lulu is getting stronger, will soon be able to go home, and I get to share the night with my little cutie girl Lourdes. Lourdes and I haven't gotten quality time this last week to share each other's company, so I'm going to make the best of our alone time together. I'm sure that I couldn't feel any better then I do tonight? Things are showing improvement hourly, and I just know that the future for all our family is going to be extremely bright!

Surgery Day

Today I'm thankful for...

Lulu's medical team

Having the choice to get Lulu's treatment done where we choose

Doris (Lulu's sister) to be here to help in this difficult time

Lori (my sister) for sitting with Lourdes

Today was a huge day for Lulu in her fight again this terrible disease. We were to arrive at 6 AM at the UCSF (Mt Zions) hospital for pre-op check-in, so we got a very early start. As Lulu, Doris, and I drove the 20 or so blocks to the hospital, I couldn't help but think about how strong Lulu was facing this daily climb of fighting breast cancer. She was only concentrating on the getting better outcomes and what she was going to do in the next weeks to recover from the surgery. I haven't heard any negativity about why she was the one to spawn this cancer, and she seems to believe that all this was meant to help her be a better person, and show her a new life. We arrived to a very desolate hospital at 5:45 AM. I think that the only staff were the security guards from the night shift? We had been shown the routine the previous day, so the checking-in for the surgery was quite smooth.

We were in for a treat this early morning. The pre-op nurse was a happy sole, and she made the whole hour long experience for all of us entertaining (little did we know that she would make the rest of the hospital team that we came into contact with flat and uninterested impaired to her). This nurse we had found out was originally from New York City (The Bronx) but that she had a Chicago accent. It turns out that when she was a young girl she had some difficulty with speaking and needed a tutor to help her in the classroom, and her parents could only afford to have the neighbor lady help her learn to speak better. As she continues her story, as she busily prepping Lulu for the upcoming surgery, she now understands that the neighbor lady was a Chicagoan and had the thick Italian Chicago access to go along with her thick Italian figure. So, this animated nurse was proficient in her job, and at the same time enjoying the interaction with the people that she was caring for. However, I don't think that she realized that she wasn't only taking care of a beautiful cancer patient, but she was making her family feel just a little better the impending surgery. I was left to wonder why we can't all find our happy point, and just like her brighten the days of everyone that we come into contact with?

Next the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon arrived to answer any questions that we all might have before to disappear to finalize the details of the next 7 or 8 hours. I wanted to ask, "are you really sure that she has breast cancer before you start," but I thought better of it (this was Lulu's time to get her questions answered, not a time for lame comments from the husband). I think one of the hardest parts of all this for me is not being able to handle my stress with quick humor as I normally would. I have found that I respond better to life be cracking one liners, or just trying to make people laugh any way that I can. Though all of these last 5 months I have been cautious with my humor and in the process have lost some of my spontaneity. After biting on my tongue, to keep those comments from flying out, we watched as the surgeon left and the surgical team entered.

I think that Lulu got a little nervous when she found herself being questions and watched by 10 various medical personnel? Being a teaching institution there were resident and attending surgeons, resident and attending anesthesiologists, head OR nurse, and then many other support staff for Lulu. All of them have a specific duty to preform and some were getting educated along the way? I could see some of the repeated questions were wearing on Lulu's nerves, and I think that she was just ready to, "Let's, Get It On, " as the famous attorney Mills Lane used to say. At last they were ready to wheel the gurney back to the operating room and make the cancer disappear. I was very hopeful that the whole surgery was go as planned and the next time I see my best friend, she would be cancer free and past one more of the huge hurtles in her recovery? We kissed and hugged on last time, and then she passed through the automatic doors of the operation room. I felt a rush of emotion fall upon me, and I had to turn from Doris to wipe away the streaming tears that caressed by cheeks. I couldn't help but be angered by the thoughts of, Why Lulu. What has she ever done to deserve this fate? The next 9 hours were to be agonizingly long!

Doris stayed in the family surgery lounge, while I walked back to the flat that we were staying in for the week. I needed to walk off the stress of the unknown. I didn't really enjoy the walk as I'm sure that on any other day I would. How can't you absorb the wonders of a scenic view of the Golden Gate bridge, and all the beautiful Victorian houses that fill the Pacific Heights neighborhood that I passed through. All I could think about is how Lulu was enduring getting her body cut up as the surgeons try to save her life. I really didn't care if the passersby saw my tears or not. I just concentrated on not tripping over my feet as I absently made my way the two miles back. When I finally arrived I saw that Lourdes was giving my sister Lori a hand full, and I helped her with a feeding and a diaper change, before I was to return to the hospital. I surgeon had informed us that she expected to be done by 12 noon, so I wanted to get back a little early so not to miss the doctor's news about her success with Lulu's surgery? I got back to UCSF at 11 o'clock (plenty of time earlier then the doctor said that she might be done, just in case). Doris was catnapping when I walked into the surgery family waiting area, so I quietly slipped into the waiting room chair next to her, and began reading form my iPhone.

We patiently waited for some information on the outcome of Lulu's surgery. 12 noon came and when with no sign of the surgeon. Doris and I talked about Lulu and how stubborn and strong that she is. We re-hashed how far she had come from the first diagnosis and what she still needed to do to recover. We discussed, but couldn't discover, why someone like Lulu gets cancer and others like ourselves don't? How might all this effect the kids, and what I should be doing to help them through this? We were praying that the all the cancer would be done post surgery and Lulu would have a quick, uneventful recovery. Mostly we just reminisced how get a sister Lulu was and how I couldn't ask for a better wife and mother for the children. Before we knew it the time had slipped past 1 PM and still we had heard anything yet. With every passing minute we got increasingly more worried, and each time someone would enter the waiting area's door we both would leap out of our chairs thinking that this was the news we had been waiting for? Finally, around 1:20 PM we got word that the surgeon was finishing up Lulu's surgery and would be in to talk to us in about 15 minutes. 45 minutes later the lady doctor walked in, and my heart leaped out of my chest. I wasn't sure that I could get to my feet and follow her out into the hall for a report? Somehow I got my balance and made it out the door and into the hall where the surgeon was waiting to deliver the news. All I could think was with all this waiting, we better get a complete report on Lulu's status and her diagnosis? I felt mind was detached from my body, and I couldn't tell my legs to function properly. It seemed to take me a hour to get out the receive the surgeon's report, but I eventually took a position next to Doris and a crossed from the doctor.

The surgeon seemed calm and positive as she began to speak about her last 7 hours of work. Was this a look of success, or that well practiced doctor's ability to deliver the gloomy news expressively? She began (as they always do with the positive news first) with how great Lulu had done with not losing as much blood as they anticipated, and that her heart really handled the 7 hour surgery well. Both breasts were removed without much difficultly, and that not much muscle was damaged during the process. Also, they biopsies the left breast tissue, and found no cancer contained within the tissues. Wow, I was really gaining my strength with this news, but then came the less positive news of the surgery. The surgeon spoke of finding cancer in a number of lymph nodes in the right axilla and that they had to remove at least 20 presumably cancerous nodes there. She informed us that they will be doing a complete biopsy on these nodes in the following weeks and that once that's finished, she could give us a better idea of what's next for Lulu? For sure she will need a aggressive radiation therapy treatment and possibly more chemotherapy or surgery at some point in the future. I was just happy to hear that she made it through the surgery and I was to be able to see you soon. All the other information could wait. I wanted to concentrate on one positive thing at a time.

We wanted for another 2.5 hours for the surgery to wrap up and Lulu to pass though the recovery portion of the hospital. We weren't allowed to be with her in the recovery phase, so Doris and I both got a bite to eat (since it had been since breakfast at around 8 AM the last time we had eaten) and caught small catnaps while waiting for Lulu to wake enough to be sent to a room for her 3 day recovery. Finally, at 5:30 PM Doris and I were summonsed by a nurse that we could escort Lulu to hear room on the 4th floor. When I set my eyes on her I immediately felt the tension fall away from my body and I was so happy that she looked alive with relief (but she was very pale, almost ghostly in her appearance). Lulu was quite drugged up and sleeping for the rest of the evening, so I left to return to Lourdes and give my sister a break after the 10 hours day she endured with little Lourdes. I was looking forward to the first really good night of rest that I would have for the last week!

Day before the surgery

Today I'm grateful for...

Only one more day until this surgery is over for Lulu

My sister and sister-in-law for their help

Great care for my wife

Prayers from many

Wow, what a busy and stressful day. We started out early for the UCSF cancer clinic (at 8 AM) and didn't return until 6 PM. It was a day filled with anticipation, trepidation, and frustration for us all. We Lulu, Doris, and I all started with our spirits high and looking forward to getting lots of great pre-surgery information, and mostly that happened; however, I have to say that we're very disappointed in the insurance/hospital game. After a couple of hours and talking with a few different individuals the clinic couldn't give us an estimate on the costs of the surgery. (anesthesia, OR room, 3 nights hospital bed, and the surgeons fees). All that they could tell us is that they would have a better idea after the surgery is done. I was very surprised by this response, and I have to see a bit angered. I spent the rest of the day thinking of what other occupation just tells the consumer that they need a certain service, but they can't tell them (estimate) what is the cost going to be. Why are we putting up with that? Lulu and I got no where with the administration at UCSF. I got to thinking how quickly I'd go out of business as a dentist if I was to tell a patient that I need to place a crown on their tooth, but until I'm finished I can't tell them the cost. No one would come to me. And besides honor and integrity want would keep me from charging whatever I wanted? Do people having surgeries in the US just don't ask these questions because their insurance pays the difference? Lulu and I are paying out of network and we care what the charges are going to be and what portion we will be responsible for. Unfortunately, we don't have the time to investigate the issue as the surgery is tomorrow at 7 AM. Why should patients have to worry about the finances and insurance coverage of their medical costs, especially days before their surgeries?

Lulu was stressed about a few more issues also. We met with the pre-op nurse in the morning to discuss the anesthesia for her surgery. As it turns out UCSF has nurse anesthetist providing the anesthesia for the hospital. While that fact wasn't the main issue, Lulu asked the nurse how's in charge and how many surgeries is are they over seeing? The nurse wasn't exactly sure of this, but said that it was normally a attending anesthesiologist and they were in charge of 2 to 4 cases (nurse anesthetist). Again this wasn't the main factor for Lulu either, but the nurse told Lulu that she didn't know who the anesthesiologist was, so she thought that he was new to the hospital. Because Lulu has a lot of experience with providing patients general anesthesia at the hospital, she's a little more critical about what is the procedures especially since it's her body that's getting operated on. I could tell that she was visibly shaken by these facts, and I did my best to calm her and renew her confidence.

Lourdes traveled along with us, and she helping to keep us occupied. Between Doris and I we managed to keep her happy most of the day. Lourdes has gained so much weight this last couple of weeks. So even though you want to continuously hold her, her size (13 pds) limits you to only 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I ended up walking Lourdes all over the neighborhoods around the UCSF breast cancer clinic in the stroller while Lulu had her pre-op appointments with the surgeons (since I had been with Lulu to all the morning appointments, I thought that it would be nice to have Lulu's sister accompany her). I think that Lulu's just ready to get this surgery over with? I can sure understand that!

After meeting my cousin Chris out for dinner in the city (the last supper), we all retired to the flat to get some needed sleep before having to get up super early to get to the hospital by 6 AM.

Lulu's message to all

It has been some crazy six months.

During this time I have learn to look at life, my faith, my family and friends in such a different way.

I knew that there is good, but I have been amaze of how amazing human kind is. It has been so humbling to feel the prayers, support and help we have received the last six months.

From praying for Lourdes, our family and I.

To cards, notes, treats, ~(like Holly water from the Virgin of Lourdes (WOW!), books, blankets)~ emails that has made my days and lift my spirits specially during those bad days that I keep to myself.

All those other things you all have done, like the way I know my kids are taken care of and love at school (like during Thomas Kinder graduation and more) and when with friends (specially during the summer times)..., complementary hotels stays, a great friend driving with me to a long medical appointment, beautiful scrap book pages for Lourdes album, free babysitting so I could go to the hospital to visit Lourdes for 4 hours in the morning during her long stay at the NICU, dropping off and giving us free formula for Lourdes, traveling from far (like Puerto Rico, Texas and CA) to be with me during chemo and to help with the kids, having the Swans driver drop a ton of yummy food, special rosary made/blessed for us, having a friends and family do the race for the cure with my name on their shirts...

To amazing and delicious meals that gave me the opportunity to spend more quality times with my kids and family without having to worry about what is for dinner tonight, groceries and the cooking. It all allow me to rest but also help the boys with their home work, go their baseball games, even attend breast cancer support groups.

For the support of my loving husband that has been by my side with hair and no hair days, during long drives, when I have felt tired and overwhelm. The sincere and giving spirit of my sisters and mom and all their encouragement and all their long distance trips to be here for my family and I . From in-laws that are there to help when we need the most. For the opportunity to get closer to distant relatives and for the opportunity to know them better and in a different light.

Thanks for all your advise and stories. They all have help and given me strength to endure some the difficult appointments and have made the decision making process easier.

Sorry that I have not quick to reply, but I will guaranty to all of you that I am grateful of all and all your kindness have made a difference during this journey.

I can feel how God has been walking by my side every step of the way and how he will be with me during this next step.

As a mother and wife I pray to Mary to help me be strong for my family and friends.

At the end of this journey we will all be different (I think we already are), there is no doubt that we will be closer to GOD.

The last six months have been the best time in my life.

Thanks to you all, Thanks for you friendship, support and specially prayers. Thanks for all you done...

I could not have done this without any of you.

God Bless,

Hugs

~Lulu~

Lourdes' hernia surgery is postponed

Today I'm thankful for...

Having 4 kids

Being able to spend the day with the family

Getting outside for a walk (even if it was dark)

A warm house (it was very cold today)

On Friday Lulu and I made the scheduled trip to Lourdes' surgeon for a consultation about the scheduled December 10th hernia surgery. We had the ever whiny Hamilton with us for this visit, and let me tell you he was in one of those moods (where he was fussing, or crying about most everything around him), so I was putting out fires and Lulu was trying to concentrate on Lourdes' appointment with the surgeon. After we all were escorted back to an small examination room (one barely large enough for two people and we had two adults and two child), we waited a short time for the Physician assistant to arrive. They weighed Lourdes (she weighed in at a whopping 12.5 pounds), gave her a RSV vaccination, and spent what seems like a lot of time feeling/examining her lower abdomen. We got some really good news. It seems the PA or the surgeon couldn't palpate the hernias today, and they want to wait another 3 to 6 months before seeing Lourdes again for a check-up. I was left wondering if she was going to be able to avoid the surgery altogether? Her little belly is so small, how could they even feel the hernias in the first place? Anyway, I'm not going to be complaining here, because I'm really extremely happy that our family has avoided at least one surgery this year. Lulu and I looked at each other and I could see the surprise in her eyes. I had a smile as big as the grand canyon inside, and I felt a great relief lifting off my shoulders. I wondered could our families fortunes get any better? The good new lately was becoming frequent, and I just hoped that it would hold out for Lulu's cancer surgery on Tuesday?

Tomorrow we'll be packing the bags and traveling down to San Francisco to prepare for the operation week. Lulu has been eerily quite these last few days, and I'm not sure how to respond? I know that I'm nervous about the week ahead, and I'm sure that she thinking about how the trips going to unfold? I've been walking (a 4 mile route) everyday this week. Mostly I want time to think and pray for the success of this next week in SF. I have had nothing but positive thoughts about how it all is to turn out, and I refuse to let doubt creep into my mind. Knowing all the prayers that everyone is bestowing onto Lulu makes me feel great and blessed that we have such a large support group. Lulu is facing this surgery so bravely, and as when she was first diagnosed with this aggressive breast cancer, I'm standing on emotionally shaky ground. I find myself trying to sleep though a lot of these last 4 or 5 days, but my attempts aren't as successful as I'd like? As tired as I've been lately, I don't feel like I've had a good night's sleep for 4 months now? (having a new premature infant isn't helping either). This is going to be a trying week; Lulu having the surgery, being away from the boys for 5 or 6 days, getting the results of the surgery diagnosis, staying in a bed that's not my own, sharing a temporary home with my sister-in-law Doris, and being the main nurturer for Lourdes while Lulu recovers. I just pray that I can be the atlas upon all the stress can be supported? I'm just so glad that my back is feeling strong!!!

Lourdes returns to the intensive care unit at Saint Mary's

Today I'm thankful for...

Having a wonderful team of humanitarians to care for Lourdes in the hospital

Great people to work daily with at Dentistry for Kids

God looking out for Lulu during her surgery and the recovery period

A strong wife

Today we made a return to where the crazy events of the last 6 months started, St. Mary's hospital. Lulu, Dr. Zeff, our boys, Lourdes, and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 with gifts to thank the staff for getting us through these difficult times. We had came with Pumpkin pies, brownies, Oral-B power brushes (for after they eat all the sweets), and Lourdes' birth announcements. Since leaving the hospital on August 23rd, we haven't been back to visit until tonight. It was nice to acknowledge the people that took care of our little girl and give her a chance to live a long, healthy life. We are indebted to these super care givers, and wanted them to see the love of our life as a 12 pound healthy little girl.

When we arrived in the NICU unit we were told that they haven't been that busy lately, so many of the nurses that cared for Lourdes weren't there this evening. We got to catch up with a few of the nurses and share Lourdes with them for a while, and leave the goodies for them all to enjoy. It really felt good seeing these gals, and even better giving them a glimpse of want their efforts have helped Lourdes become. I can't tell you how much these wonderful people have touched our lives and helped Lourdes (and us) get through those first 3 months of her life. This wasn't even close to being able to pay back every one's efforts for Lourdes' care, but it's the only thing we knew to do to try to show our appreciation.

Less than a week to the surgery

Today I'm grateful for...

Being able to keep a journal of my life's experiences

Loving caring children

Getting a chance to change peoples life's

My good health

Lulu's surgery is less then one week away. We haven't had much of an opportunity to discuss the details of the kids schedule, surgery schedule in SF, or the expectations of the surgery. I'm planning on getting some time to spend alone with her to share the expectation of the next week and really the next few months while she is recovering? I know that the whole event is weighing heavily on Lulu conscious, and that she is a little scared about having this major operation.

I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but what so you way to someone that's having a major surgery? Especially one that effects her womanhood? Lulu's been so strong through all this and seeing her deal with the adversity helps me be strong. I know that I have my moments, but I'm trying to keep myself busy not to think about everything that happened to Lulu and everything that's coming up?

I've included this picture above because Lulu was so proud of her "bump" while she was pregnant with Lourdes.

Lulu and I get engaged in Las Vegas

Today I'm grateful for...

A restful weekend

Great friends that care

Private time with my wife

Beautiful fall weather

Today I was thinking about when I first knew that I wanted to marry Lulu Molina. I remember wondering if there's any true way to know if a person is the right one to spend the rest of your life with?

Lulu and I had been dating for three years and it was time to move forward or move on. Before the engagement trip to Las Vegas, I had made some uncharacteristic (for me) relationship decisions during the time that Lulu and I have been together. We began our courtship just as I was finishing my dental school education, and I had been preparing for the California Dental examination for 6 months, and knew that I had to follow through attempting to be licensed to practice dentistry in California. The preparation for dental exams is quite extensive and costly, plus I really had my mind set on practicing in California or in a state near there. Since Lulu and I had only been dating for a few months there wasn't a lot of relationship expectations when I graduated in June 1993, and I packed up my car for the long drive to California. Lulu and I had discussed our feelings about a future and I had always made it clear to her that I wanted to return to the west coast to live.

Even with all the uncertainty, I knew that after I had taken the exam in California, I was going to return to Ohio and continue my courtship with Lulu. That's is exactly what I did. I arrived back in Columbus in July 1993. Lulu and I not only continued our relationship, but we also grew our love and respect for each other. The next 2 years Lulu and I spending an incredible amount of time together. Our many conversations ended in us about moving to California once Lulu finished her Pediatric dental residency. Lucky for me, Lulu was open to the idea, but if, and only if, we had made a long term promise to continue our life together in marriage.

I made the decision to spend the rest of my life with this wonderfully woman when my father died after having a massive stoke in 1996. My father passed on only living 57 years in this world. (see the picture above my father at 18 years of age he is on the right and his younger brother on the left. He looks a lot like me with darker hair?). Lulu and I had just travelled to California 6 months earlier in part so she could meet my father. I never had much of a chance to get to know the man that 28 years earlier was there to introduce me to the world, but his passing did awaking my since of immortality. His death helped me see that you must sometimes take calculated chances in life, and if you want for everything to be perfect you just might never live? I knew that my relationship with Lulu wasn't without concerns, but if I really wanted to life I needed to take a step out side of my box. So, before the trip to California to attend my father's funeral and wake, I made a plan for the rest of my life.

As a graduating dental student my financial picture was ladened with debt (I finished dental school owning enough money to buy a decent home in 1993), so I was stressed about how I was to come up with equal to one's month salary for an diamond engagement ring (luckily I was only making about $2500/month as a dental associate two days a week and part time faculty member)? I spent the better of 2 months researching diamonds, setting, and cost of rings by visiting most of the jewelry stores in the greater Columbus area (I wasn't using the internet at the time, because I could have saved myself a lot of time). After much trepidation I finally choose a 1 carat round diamond in a gold plain band. I can tell you that the process was much more involved then I would have imagined, but I was so excited that I was going to "pop the question" and ask for Lulu's hand in marriage.

I was to travel to Puerto Rico with Lulu to visit her family for the Thanksgiving holidays and I figured what a perfect opportunity to approach Lulu's father about asking her for her hand in marriage? I don't remember being nervous asking her father to marry her even though I didn't know him very well at all. I just knew that this was the Puerto Rican custom and I was expected to honor it. I think that someone had prepared Lulu's father for my approach, because he didn't seemed surprised by my wanting to marry his middle daughter? Maybe he just liked me and he was happy to get her married off? In any event, he said that I had his blessing and wanted to know when and what our plan was up until the big day? I said that when we knew that he be one of the first to know the plan, and I then turned to thoughts to when and how I was to propose marriage?

We had planned on taking a trip in February to Las Vegas to look at a specific dental practice that we had hoped to practice in, and I know that I was going to ask her to marry me sometime during that trip? So, I set the plan for engagement in motion. I had only been to Las Vegas once before, but I remembered that there were many fun activities for adults there. I have been accused over the 15 years we've been together that I can't remember the details of the important events of our past; however, I can tell you that I remember every second of the day leading up to the time that I asked Lulu to marry me. I was so tense that everything would go as planned, not that she would say yes, but that one of us would get sick after the dinner, or that the helicopter that we were to ride on wouldn't have engine trouble? The day was just flowing magnificently, and when we stepped onto the helicopter I wasn't sure that I could keep up my nerve to ask the question? (I didn't plan on the fact that you have to wear headphones on helicopters, and you couldn't talk to each other on the 45 minute adventure). Lucky, I didn't have to say anything. I just took out the ring box and opened it up to show Lulu and she knew what my intentions were. She nodded with her head forward and back and I took that to mean yes she wanted to marry me? (I just that her head might have been rocking back and forth from the jerky up and down motions of the copter?). I know as we arrived to the helipad my emotions were all over the place. Would I be a good husband, what comes next, how does one act once engaged? I knew that the answers would come in time, and the real important part was that Lulu and I were in love and now on that journey to spending the rest of our lives together.

Lourdes gives my life perspective

Today I'm thankful for...

My appreciation for life

Spending a great day with Lourdes

Playing with Hamilton

Getting to clean the garage (not everyone even has one)

I can't stop thinking about how far Lourdes has come in her short 5 months of life? It still amazing to think that just 10 years ago Lourdes' probability to have an normal healthy life when being born 3.5 months earlier then planned, would be much lower then it is today. She is growing and developing better then we could have expected for a full term baby. Today Lulu and I met at the neonatal pulmonary doctors office to access Lourdes' growth and development. She's the wonder child. Can you believe that she weighs 12 pds, and is in the 75 percentile for her adjusted age (even though Lourdes is actually 5.1 months old, her due date was September 1 and her adjusted age is 2.1 months). The doctor made an observation that completely summed up Lourdes' progress, "if I didn't already know that this little girl wasn't born at 26 weeks, I would have any idea why she is here today?" How that's more then we could have hoped for this appointment. Another building block for the Molina -Wilkerson family.

I spent most of the rest of the day caring for Lourdes and playing with Hamilton. I so cherish these father/daughter times, and while Hamilton took his afternoon nap, Lourdes and I alternated between feeding, snuggling, and changing her diaper. She wanted to be awake for much of our sharing time. As Lourdes laid in my lap, I was mesmerized by how she likes to reach her arms up to the sky and roll those tiny hands into fists. I would play with her toes and see if I can get her to smile for me? We play tuppie, tuppie (rubbing noses together) and I talk to her as if she knows exactly what I'm saying? Each day I learn something new from her. Today Lourdes lets out a Elmo like cackle as I tickle her belly, and she squeals with delight as make raspberries with my mouth. I find it difficult to put her down in the bassinet or the baby swing. I know that our time together will come to an end with Mommy returns home with the other boys (or Hamilton wakes from his nap), but for now Lourdes and I are the only people in the whole universe.

The surgery looms ahead

Today I'm thinking about...

Being the best person I can be

End of another successful week

A super duper cute baby to care for

My wife's strength

Lulu and I finally had a chance to talk about the looming surgery at UCSF in two weeks. She has decided with much thought and trepidation that the best option for her surgery in two weeks is to have the bi-lateral mastectomy only, and have breast implant surgery post radiation and hormone treatments. So, lulu feels that after weighing all the options this is the has the best long term success rate for her. I could see and hear the relief she had making the final choice, and setting her mind onto the next stage of recovery. I'm just happy that she could move past the difficult process of what is best for me, especially when their are benefits and disadvantages to all the options.

We reviewed just what was to happen during the November 16th surgery week? We will arrive in SF on Sunday evening to prepare for the week long surgical experience. Monday Lulu has a number of pre-surgical appointments and Tuesday she will be having the surgery at 6AM. Her recovery in patient will be minimally until Friday, and with luck we will be returning to Reno either Friday night late, or possibly Saturday AM? I know that I'm eager to move past this stage of the breast cancer experience, and I sure that Lulu is even more anxious that I to get this over with?

I want my legacy to be "WHAT"?

Today I'm happy about...

Life

The world of changes

A strong aura

Happiness

Today was another long day, but less stressful then Monday was. I really get a lot of enjoyment out of turning sometimes scary, even petrified patients (and many times their parents) into fun, bonding experiences through using caring, love, and compassion for the little people that parents trust me with their dental care. There's always that challenge facing me daily, and seeing the positive effects that I have on both the children and their parents makes the long and stressful days fulfilling. I'm not sure that fully choose this profession? I think that a source stronger then I know guided me to this profession? I sometimes wonder about the choices that we make everyday; are they somehow planned for us already, could the choices we make day to day be choreographed? No matter, I know that I'm making a difference in many peoples lives.

Just a few weeks ago I was leading a team meeting at the office (On my last fishing trip I was hit with a revelation about the direction that I wanted to guide the Dentistry for Kids practice). I was sharing the new vision and core values with the team. I was trying to get everyone at the meeting to fully understand the power that we all have when we teach and share our knowledge with children; when I came up with the idea of having everyone write down what they would like others to say about them after they have passed from this life? I knew if I could get everyone to open up about what exactly is are purpose in this world, we could move onto the possibly more difficult task of how to go about creating a plan that would get us all there. I had all 12 employees get out a blank piece of paper (I told them what they write will be anonymous so they would be as open as possible) and write down what they would want their final obituary would say about them? (Wow, you talk about a powerful exercise. I recommend that you do this immediately, you might be surprised by what you write?) This was so enlightening for me that I want to share with you what I wrote that Friday morning;

October 21, 2050 Last night at 5:05 PM; J. Justin Wilkerson passed from this life to his eternal resting place as he peacefully slept in his home. J. will be remember be all for his commitment to changing people's life's and especially the children that he mentored, guided, and treated during his lifetime. Anyone who knew him well would remember his positive attitude towards life and the challenges that it brings. His work with the handicapped, disadvantaged, and the financially challenged, inspired many more persons than anyone could have ever expected. His charitable organization(s) will continue to help people for many years to come. J. not only wanted to make a difference in this lifetime, but he was determined to improve people's life's long after he was no longer physically present. He was fond of saying, "Only when we help others achieve their full potential, will we achieve ours." He is survived by his lovely wife of 43 years Luz (Lulu) Molina, and four grown children Carter, Thomas, Hamilton, and Lourdes and dozens of grandchildren. When you see someone in need, extend a helping hand and think about J. He will definitely be looking down over you and smiling upon your generosity.

With all that happened to our family this last year, this obituary just came to me. I have a plan to live my life by and guide me to the final result. I felt a large relief after writing that, because I knew now what my life was to be about. The next steps in the process are putting the pieces together to get me to the result. Not only was this exercise invaluable to me, but as it turned out a couple of the team members wanted to share their passages with everyone there. Talk about some emotional release. I could feel a new energy fill the room, and I was energized to lead the whole group to a new awakening. In the 11+ years we've been practicing as Dentistry for Kids I haven't came close to the emotions and trust that I have for the present team that we have.

Lulu makes decision on her breast surgery

Today I'm grateful for...

Sharing my life with a loving family

Having the ability to choose my future

Knowing more about Lulu's health

Being healthy

Lulu made a trip to SF for doctors consults about the upcoming Bi-lateral mastectomy surgery. Her appointment was scheduled at UCSF breast cancer clinic for 11:30 AM, and I wanted to go to the appointment, but Lulu talked me out of making the trip. We discussed not wanting to reschedule patients at the office, especially since there has been so many changes for patients in the last 6 months. So, I ended up staying here and working; while Lulu drove down with a good friend to the appointment. We also had to discuss whether or not Lourdes should go with Lulu or stay in Reno with Grandma? Lulu and I both felt that Lourdes should go along with mommy to her appointment. My day was long, mostly because I was eager to get the day done and get home to hear the news about Lulu's upcoming surgery. I was hopeful that the MRI taken last week would be interpreted positively by the surgeon, and that the tumors were no longer attached to her chest wall? The location of the tumors apparently was complicating the prognosis of the surgery, and we were all hoping that Lulu's tumors had made great progress with the chemotherapy treatment?

My hectic day concluded around 5:30 and I walked into the house to relieve grandma of the "babysitting" duties at 6. This was one of the evenings that we had dinner delivered to the house, and I couldn't have been more grateful this night. It has been so incredibly wonderful to have friends, patients, and family bring dinner to the house a couple of nights a week. Not having to worry about the shopping, cooking, and dishes has been a very nice bonus during this most stressful time. I served the delightful stew, salad, and rolls and the three boys and I sat down to a nice family dinner, minus the girls. (the boys really enjoyed the feast). After completing our evenings homework assignment, we got ready for bed and read from one of the favorites books Dairy of a wimpy kid, Dog Days (We have read all three of the book series at least three times now). I was so excited to hear the news about Lulu's day and after putting the kids to bed, I waited in anticipation for her arrival. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to Lulu's arrival time. The daylight saving time and a really busy day at the office has really tired me out and I retired to bed at 9:30 PM. The news would have to wait until tomorrow.