Daddy snuggle time

Today I'm happy for...

Getting to the end of a hectic week

Spending the whole night with Lourdes

Watching the Moon set in a starry sky

No allergies

I had one of the most enjoyable nights ever. The gift we call Lourdes and I spent the night on the couch in each other's arms. (I'm sure that Lulu's going to be jealous when she reads this) I was absorbing her little cute movements, sporadic breathing, and lovely features. How could Lulu and I have made this alluring baby? I was afraid to use the computer or answer emails on my phone, because I might miss a second of cuteness. She's on a set feeding schedule (Lulu has made a excel chart that we fill out daily with her time, amount, and medications every 4 hours). Last night, I gave Lourdes the bottle at her scheduled 8:30 PM, where she ate the whole 75 cc with the similarity of a hibernating bear after coming out of his 5 month winter slumber. I had 4 more hours until she should be ready for the next feeding, so I hunkered down with her on my warm chest for a four hour father/daughter love-fest. I just laid on the couch absorbed by the thoughts of how many times did I do this with each of the other kids? I couldn't remember any of the times that I might have had the wonderful experience that I was presently having? I was planning on enjoying every single second that I have with Lourdes. But I also vowed that I would share many more experiences with the boys also. This is how Lourdes and I stayed for the next 5.5 hours (with one bathroom stop a long the way). I really thought that I'd get to sleep by 1 PM after Lourdes had finished her 12:30 bottle, but she had other plans. 12:30 came and went with out a stir from her, and I promised myself that I would give her until 1 before I woke her for the feeding, but as 1 o'clock came and when, I she looked so comfortable and peaceful that I did want to wake her just yet. Finally, at around 2 PM Lourdes raised an eye lid and I pounced on my chance to get her hunger satisfied. After taking 30 minutes to get her to eat the bottle I finally got her into her bassinet at around 2:30, and I was exhausted as I climbed into bed next to Lulu.

I know that Lulu is feeling better, because she has been talking about returning to work the office. Yesterday she came to me with the idea that she could start to see some patients in early February. I know that means that either she is felling strong enough to think that she can make it through a day(s) treating kids, or that her happiness is dependent on her being part of the Dentistry for Kids practice again? We discussed this in depth, and she came to the conclusion that she needs the social interaction of the office to feel whole, and the sooner that she can again become part of the practice routine the better. I had mixed feelings about the revelation. First, will she come back too soon and not be able to fulfill her obligations to the patients and to the daily management of the office? Secondly, will she over do it, and wear her self down? But if I've learned anything through all of this, is my wife will ultimately follow her own path, and I should just support her during the journey. My only request is that she will give thought to the whole thing?

What's the future?

Today I'm feeling happy because...
I have gotten some sleep
The older boys are back in school
Lulu's feeling better
The future looks good

As I lay in my "Zero Gravity Chair" typing on my laptop (I haven't used the desk top home computer ever since I got my Apple Powerbook three months ago), I'm thinking about the future. I left the office this morning early to come home and rest my back. It's giving me some problems this morning. I was hoping after having two back surgeries, lots of Physical Therapy, steroid spinal injections (all in the last two years), that I might have gotten past the back issues? I have to admit that I haven't been seeing the Physical Therapist since I had the last epidural block in July. I guess that I had better follow up with the Neurosurgeon, and get on the healthy path again?

I'm also thinking about the future of Lulu's health. She says that she has gotten over those sick feelings that accompanied her after last weeks chemotherapy appointment, and most of the bone pain from the Neulasta has subsided. Since she's been getting up mostly with Lourdes at night because I've been working at the office, I'm tickled pink that she's feeling better again. It's hard to see anyone go through the unpleasantness of a sickness, and even more difficult when they're your wife. I know that November's surgery date is two and half months from now, but I can tell that the date is weighting heavily on Lulu? I've brought up that we have such a great support system, so whatever will make her more comfortable going through all the pre surgery preparations, and everything that comes with the recovery we'll make happen. I'm hopefully that she will take advantage of all the help that's been offered?

I think about and pray that other families won't have to ever endure the types of issues that ours is going through recently. I don't say this for sympathy (I realize that the fact is everyone of us faces adversity at some point between birth and death), but for everyone; I pray that these kinds of events don't happen within a short span of time? I know that we will be able to look back on this year and talk about, "Remember When", but for right now we fixed on the tasks at hand.

I'm excited about spending the next few days with the new baby. I haven't got a lot of opportunities to bond with Lourdes these last two days. Since Sunday (where I spent most of the day with her), I have only gotten to feed her once, but I have gotten to hear her cry most every night, and I can tell you that she's breathing just fine, as can be heard in the loud cries that she musters. I did think that a 6 pound 14 week premature baby could product that many decibels?Tonight I'm going to be snuggling her, feeding her, changing her, and looking at her pretty face all night long. I'm sure that Lourdes is going to get (is already starting) some very undivided attention during her life time?

Isn't it funny how you remember feeling towards each of your children. I remember when Carter (our first born) was an infant; Lulu and I worried so much about things that we should be doing for a new baby that we didn't really enjoy him. (I remember us wiping down the tables at restaurants with antibacterial wipes before sitting him up in the high chair, changing his clothes what seemed like a hundred times/day, washing all his clothes is special laundry detergent(and expensive), and not letting anyone touch him because we were afraid that he might contract some deadly disease) Now looking back, I think, "I wish that I had enjoyed all those little events that I don't remember now". So, when Lulu and I brought "cutie boy" Thomas into this world; we were more relaxed and the plan was to enjoy his growth and development more this time around? But we found now having two boys our life's were filled with activities like Gymborie, play dates, and trips to Disneyland. The enjoyment of the second wasn't as fulfilling as we had once hoped. So since we had miss out on the enjoyment of the early years with the first two, we just knew that we must have another. Hamilton (no idea how we came up with his name) came along and let me tell you we had enjoyed this little ball of energy immensely. I just thought that this stocky, brave, headstrong boy was the cutest thing ever to enter my life. I remember telling Lulu that I never took the chance to enjoy those little things with the older boys, and that I had a plan to be there for everything with Hamilton. As it turned out, I loved the interaction so much with #3 that I couldn't hardly wait for Lourdes (#4) to be born. The newest plan is for Lulu and I to enjoy all of our children's evolutions, and not let a day go by that we don't hug them (try to kiss them, Carter's 9 though). We also have a verbal past to hug and kiss each other in front of them daily. How can we not have children that grow to be loving, caring human beings?

She's home

Today I'm thankful for...
Everyday that I have to enjoy life
My back feeling better
Our little precious gift from God
Having the next two days with nothing planned

She's home!!!!

We have Lourdes in our home, the day we knew would come, is upon us at last. (and I don't think that Lourdes really cares much about what will be marked as a huge milestone in the Molina-Wilkerson's life's). As Lulu and I drove to the hospital, without much conversation, but a lot of nervous anticipation, I couldn't help but think that this day was going to rank as one of the most important in my(our) life's? I was thinking about how many truly joyous occasions I've experienced in my 43 years, and I knew that this day would trump the rest. (the others I dreamt about were; my wedding day, the day Carter was born, graduation from dental school, and my second date with Lulu; I didn't think that the first date was memorable?) When we arrived to St. Mary's for the last time, my emotions confused me. I had gotten used to the visits to the NICU here, and the team that cared for Lourdes felt like family. This has been the only home that Lourdes has known (for the first 83 days of her life), would she adjust to her new home? On the other hand this is the day that I was praying that would come sooner rather then later, and here it was staring me in the face. Today was to be a new, exciting chapter in our life's, and I was more scared then the day we brought our first child (Carter) home from the hospital.

When we arrived at the NICU room, it was apparent that Lulu was much more prepared than I for this day then I was. Lulu had a pink outfit (with pink, frilly shoes), a pink bow for her hair, camera for pictures, and a new car seat cover (yes it has pink in it). Lulu proceeded to change Lourdes into the "exiting the hospital" attire, and then we just had to parade Lourdes around the NICU for some heart felt goodbyes. As we got our pictures taken with many of the St. Mary's NICU team that had a hand in caring for Lourdes, at that moment, I didn't want to leave. These wonderful care givers had become a part of our lifes, and I could feel we were closing this chapter to start a new one and I didn't want to write the last words. It's hard to voice your feelings (and really words are insufficient to express the love I have for the caring persons) I did spew out some in-adequate words that sounded something like, "I want to express my thanks for your professionalism, and I can tell that you all love what you do, and it shows. Rarely, if at all, in the 83 days we were here did I see or hear negativity towards your jobs, patients, or their parents. That shows incredible professionalism and proves to me that you all love what you do." I could see that Lulu was just as caught up in the emotions as I, and our exit was very difficult. You all made a lasting difference in our lives that we won't soon forget. (I'm crying as I write this, that is how much this whole event has effected me).

We left holding our tiny, venerable girl, and Lulu and I gave each other much needed emotional support as we exited the hospital and drove the 14 miles home (I have done the drive so often, I know the exact mileage). The chapter that we had never wished to write in the first place; was officially done, and even under the circumstances we were glad that we had the chance to experience it all. We would have loved to have Lourdes born on her due date September 1st., and bypassed the last 83 days (that I can only describe as an emotional thunderstorm), but we have grown stronger from the experience. We eagerly await the first few days that we will have sole possession of the cute baby named Lourdes.

Demons are after me

I just finished feeding Lourdes. What a rush to be able to give her the bottle sitting in my own chair in my own house! Tonight, Lourdes and I have the burping part down once she finished the milk. What a team!

I'm posting the website for food sign ups page again, because I've had many requests for it. So here you are:

http://www.foodtidings.com/SignUp.aspx?ScheduleGuid=e761da0f-dad5-4a91-ba9b-51bddbdfbca4

Lulu's having a tough time with this last chemo treatment. She's says that she's very tired and just wants to rest, so I get to care for the newest member of our house tonight. I guess me for yesterday's treatment for Lulu gets me more time with Lourdes? I can't complain about that. I gave Lulu the Neulasta injection (to increase her white blood cell count) just after returning from the hospital with Lourdes. That went well, and I believe this was the first time that I've given a shot outside the confines of a patient's mouth. (I'm finding that typing with one hand and holding a baby with the other is slow going?). I found the skin is a lot tougher then oral mucosa; at least Lulu's is.

I got to do a long swim in the pool this afternoon. I'm trying to stay fit, and shed 10 more pounds from my body (my goal is to get to 185 by the time Lulu has surgery). I have continued to lose weight by changing my diet and exercising three to four times per week? I had to confront some demons as I swam. I have gotten lots of strength just from watching Lulu take on her cancer diagnosis, and I have shared in her positive attitude towards beating the disease, but today I had to confront the vision of caring for these ours kids alone. As I stroked through the salty blue water, trying to keep a rhythm during the first 30 minutes, I could hear a voice lapping at my feet. This was that voice telling me to slow down so they could catch up to me and whisper into my ear about things that I didn't want to hear. I felt them there, stroking through the water just behind me, calling to be to slow down ever so slightly, so they could reason with me about the possibility that my caring, beautiful, strong wife, might not be there for me one day? What would I do then? Could I care for our four kids alone? They were calling to me, what if the cancer returns, what if the drugs don't cure the cancer ridden cells? I quicken my pace. The demons weren't strong or fast enough to catch me. Not on this day. I swim hard staying just enough in front of them that the lapping of the water against the pool walls would drowned them out, all the time believing in only one thing; that Lulu and I were to share a glass of champagne at our 50th wedding anniversary, and our four kids and their kids would be toasting us in celebration of life. I would be kissing her and whispering into her ear how much I love and enjoyed being with her all this time.

I left the pool, knowing that I have beaten back the demons that we all have to confront, and I felt very confident that they wouldn't be back. But just in case, I might stay out of the pool for awhile?

Half way through

Today I'm happy about...
Getting through this stressful day
Lulu being done with half of her chemotherapy treatments
Getting home safe form SF
Getting to bring Lourdes home tomorrow

We arrive home to Reno about 11:00 PM. I liked driving back later in the day, because traffic was much lighter then the last two return trips. After spending the day in the cancer center, Lulu wanted to return clothes to Nordstroms, so I made a timely stop at the Westfield shopping center off Market street. (I think that it's important to try to keep Lulu busy with things that sees as happy events, and this is something I knows makes her happy). We returned a few items and then eat in the food court, before making the 4.5 hour trek back to Reno.

Today was intense for both of us. The day started with Lulu and I eating a nice continental breakfast at the hotel (Inn at the Opera). My godparents were thoughtful and very generous in reserving us a suite here (I guess that the "rusty door" story made them feel sorry for us). I have to tell you this place was a extremely nice place to stay during our visit. Another great show of hospitality by family and friends. I don't want to bore you with the specifics of my breakfast, but I want everyone to know I only had OJ, english muffin, and some fruit. Hard to believe that I could resist to more tasty stuff that's bad for you, but at least I've been strong when it comes to what I can eat.

This morning we had appointment with the oncologist to discuss the next chemotherapy regiment of Taxol, and to see how well the previous treatment have gone? After sharing pleasantries (how's the rest of our kids doing, is school starting soon, how's the newest member of the family doing in the NICU, when will she come home, and us asking her about her kids and family?) the doctor moved into the examination phase of the appointment. As i watched my wife get examined, I felt anxious, and was praying that the doctors hands were going to find cancer tissues, once invading her breasts, completely gone? During the two minute breast exam, the room was eerily quiet, and the time seemed to drag on for forever? I don't know why but every time Lulu gets examined, I think that either the results will be good news or bad? I'm not sure I was prepared for the doctor to tell her that she feels good about how the chemotherapy treatment is progressing, and that she didn't think that Lulu's breast masses have changed much?

The anti-climatic appointment ended in the discussion of the next course of treatment including the dates for surgery, and the expectations for having the Taxol part of the cancer treatment? Though, before the oncologist left us, she briefed us on the about how Lulu had been voted the best patient that was presently going through treatment. She went on to say that Lulu's attitude, pleasantness, and her smiling face were a joy to have as a part of their routines (though she did add that they would have preferred never to have meet her at all, but of all the patients being treated they most enjoyed her). I could see this was a ego inflater for Lulu, and I have to admit that I got some pleasure out of knowing that she is my wife.

I had all the intentions of handing out a few more "well wishing" cards from my boys, but I didn't fair too well at this chemo session. After lunch(we went to have Falafal at a nearby greek restaurant, and I'm still not sure what Falafal is, but we ate every bit of it?) Lulu and I returned to the infusion unit at the clinic for the last dosing of the AC chemotherapy. I had the aspirations of milling around, meeting new friends, giving out cards, and spreading the J. (I'm also known as J period to my family) cheer; however, once I had supported Lulu in getting her treatment started, I feel asleep. I'm not sure how this happened, but I think that the back pain on top of the stress of Lulu's treatment/consultations, wiped me out? I was sleeping upright, in a plastic chair not dissimilar to the one you'd find in a doctor's office waiting room, so I must have been exhausted? I was supporting my head with hand, and my arm on the armrest. When I woke, I could hear the adjacent patients and their supporters whispering about how cute Lulu and I looked, sleeping next to each other, as she got her chemo drugs. I was wondering whether or not I was snoring for a part of the nap, or worse, drooling all over myself? Today wasn't going to be the day I changed anyone's lives, except for my own and that of my strong, loving wife.

After the nurse unhooked Lulu from the infuser, we tried our best to slip out the door without being noticed? Not so much of embarrassment, but from total exhaustion of the emotional strain these two days had upon us. As we arrived at the car, I reached out my hand to lightly hold Lulu's, and slowly and compassionately informed her that she was halfway through the chemotherapy treatments. I'm sure that I saw a tinkle of relief, if only briefly? The drive home was a quiet. I know that I was reflecting on the trip, and I'm pretty sure that Lulu was numb with uncertainty?

Cancer is hard

Today I'm thankful for...

Getting to visit friends during Lulu's chemotherapy session

Lourdes coming home

Save passage to SF and hopefully a safe trip back

No fog

As the morning sun shone through the west facing window of the hotel room Lulu stunned me with, "All this is really hard". My first thought was "Hard" was she talking about getting out of bed this morning? But I knew from her tone that she talking about going through the cancer treatment. How do you respond to your wife that starts the day with those words? Like I often do in difficult situations, I replied humorously wit, "Really honey, you don't like leaving your almost 3 month old premature baby in the intensive care unit five hours away, spend two days getting needles stuck into seemingly every open space on your body, while they pump toxic cancer drugs into your body. Knowing that you're headed for surgery to remove both of your breasts, and possibly more surgery to put them back, and then expose your body to radioactive ions every week for 6 more months? Then having to go through artificial menopause, and not because your body says that it's time, but because the doctors say that you have too. All the while, you're knowing that all this may not save your life?

Even though I said it all jokingly, we both knew how true every word was! We started our day with a very serious tone that I wasn't sure that I had ever experienced before?

Yesterday we met the breast surgeon. This was a highly charged time for us. We had an idea of around when the doctor would prescribe Lulu's surgery, but much less of an idea on what would be the extent of the procedure? We had been discussing what Lulu felt about how aggressive that she wanted to be with the surgery, and whether or not she felt it was best to have a bi-lateral mastectomy? She never wavers from taking the "I want to do what is going to give me the bast chance of living to see my kids grow up". She made this the focal point of the conversation with the surgeon. So, in quick order (not much different from selecting from a limited menu at a fine restaurant, very surreal that she has to make these choices in short order), the surgery date and the type of surgery were decided. Lulu was scheduled to have a bi-lateral mastectomy with nodal removal on the right axilla. Then a reconstructive breast surgery at a later date with a plastic surgeon. I have been supportive with no breast reconstruction surgery, but when Lulu heard that there was a possibility of reconstruction, she was excited about having breasts again. (I'm waiting for the subject of size is brought up, I will be neutral on this one).

Lourdes starts eating on her own

Today I'm grateful for...

My son (Carter turned 9 today)

Being surrounded by such loving friends and family Having a strong wife
Having my mother in law come to help with the kids

It's been a very busy last few days in the Molina-Wilkerson home. We had Lulu's birthday on Saturday (which Lulu and I got the chance to go to dinner and the play 42nd Street alone), Carter's birthday today, and lots of time with Lourdes in between.

Lourdes got her feeding tube taken out yesterday. She now eats a demand, and has thrown our visitation timing all off, but it's a good thing to see that she doesn't have to be feed through a tube anymore. I added the first picture of her with nothing attached to her face on this journal entry. I was very excited to take get a picture of her void of any apparatus on her. And tonight I went to feed her, but as I entered the NICU I got a little deflated to see the nurse was just finishing her bottle. Well at least I got to burp her, and to my surprise Lourdes was still hungry after finishing 60 cc of milk for the nurse. She was soooo cute smacking her lips, flapping her tongue, sucking on her fingers, that I just wanted to stay with her the rest of the night. I was told that I could try to give her 20 cc more, and see if she would eat more? I almost couldn't get the nipple into her mouth fast enough, and when I did get it in she devoured the bottle's contents in record time. I have never seen her as awake and alert as she was tonight. The couple of hours I was at the hospital, Lourdes was awake and really active.

Earlier in the day when Lulu was visiting Lourdes, there was some discussion between the doctors about when Lourdes would come home. They had projected that Lourdes could be released form the hospital as soon as this Thursday, August 20th? Of course, we're elated with her coming home, but we'll be in SF on Thursday and Friday and wouldn't be able to bring her home until Saturday when we returned. We were disappointed that due to our circumstances that we couldn't arrange the coming home party until Saturday at the earliest. It seems that our insurance for Lourdes will stop their coverage on her the date the hospital says that she is well enough to go home. (seems that Thursday is that date)? We'll be scrambling to find a solution to this newly discovered minor inconvenience. God heard all the prayers you have spoken, and we are soon to have our little angel home with us. Stay tuned, we're getting close!

I feel bad that Lulu and I haven't had a lot of time together since Saturday. Actually, we haven't gotten to say more then a few words to each other these last three days. Sunday Lulu and I alternated our schedules to be at the hospital, and didn't see much of each other; Monday and Tuesday, I went into the office early and then went from there to the hospital to see Lourdes until 9:30 each night. I haven't been terribly conscientious of her condition; or her needs these last few days. As far as I know, she is feeling relatively good (as good as you can when you're going through chemotherapy), but I do know that she's been very tired lately, and I would hope that she slows down just a bit? That's one thing about my wife, she doesn't know how to go any other speed except "full throttle".

I have gotten that worried feeling as we approach the trip to UCSF for the 4th chemotherapy treatment, and the consultation with the doctors. We will be meeting the breast surgeon and the oncologist this trip, and a discussion about the type, date, and other specifics of the surgery will be discussed? I know that I have lots of un answered questions about the next steps, and I'm sure that Lulu has even more then I? I also have a small tinge excitement, because I will have a chance to see some of my (our) new found friends at the infusion center? I also plan on handing out the remaining "thinking of you" cards the boys made a number of visits back. I really look forward to the opportunity to make new friends; to not only receive their support, but also give out some of my own? In addition, I'm thinking that Lulu and I need some private bonding time that we seem to be missing this last week? And this is one of the benefits of getting treatment in SF.

Thanks again for the support you all have given our family. This whole experience would have been much more difficult without all the care and love that we've received.

Lulu's birthday

Today I'm grateful for...
My wife
Getting good rest last night
Celebrating Lulu's 41st. birthday
Waking up feeling good

Today is Lulu's birthday. I wanted her to get time with Lourdes, so she went to Mass this morning, and then will spend a large part of the day with Lourdes. (she said that she was feeling good this morning, and didn't need any nausea medications yet). The boys and I woke up this morning, we made the excuse that we were out of milk, so we could go to the supermarket and get her a birthday cake. When we returned, we tired to surprise Lulu with the cake, but I think she was on to us? We sang the "birthday song" and gave mom our cards that we had made a few days ago. I think that she was happy, but not surprised? Later today we are going to dinner and the 42nd play at the Eldorado hotel. I think that it will be a enjoyable birthday for her (even though she's going through this treatment)?

Yesterday seems like so long ago. It started with me going to get new tires for the car, and then continued with a visit to Lourdes. I sat from 9:30 to 12:30 with her, and got to give her the bottle at 11:30 AM. She wasn't totally convinced that she was hungry. I could only get her to eat half the bottle, and then the nurse ask me if I wanted her to finish the feeding (my back was hurting me, and I'm sure that she could see my agony sitting in the NICU recliner)? I was happy to get out of the chair, even though I had to give up on the lunch presentation for Lourdes. I was expected at home by 12:45, so Lulu could go to a birthday lunch with her girlfriends. Then a minor tragedy struck. I got a flat tire on my way home. I wasn't happy about the mishap. I make a call home to tell my wife that I wasn't going to make it by 12:45. After waiting for a hour for the tire guy to show up, and then another hour for him to take the tire back to the shop and fit it, I was ready go. I picked up the boys from the neighbor's house, where Lulu had dropped them off a few hours earlier. Now I needed to get into my "Daddy Mode".

The boys had been talking about doing the Molina-Wilkerson Lemonade stand again? I told them that we might be able to do it, but we had to see what the plan with Mommy was first?

We got busy setting up for the 2nd day of lemonade selling. There was a new sign to make, cookies to bake, and getting together some more golf balls before setting out to the corner for set-up. We finally got the table, chairs, signs, and ice chest ready by 5 or so. The boys really enjoy dancing in the street (I guess they realized this is the only time I would let them into the street)? They did a great job selling there products, and I watched from my truck. We had a lot of really nice people stop, and a couple asked about what was going on with their mom? I coached them to say that she's sick, or that she was fighting cancer, if pressed. One trucked stopped, asked what was going on with their mom, and then gave the boys $60. I didn't find out this fact until later, and the gesture was much appreciated. If that person is reading this journal, the Molina-Wilkerson is very grateful for the show of generosity. We ended up selling out of cookies, and most of the lemonade. As I expected, the boys wanted to go get sometime that would make our mommy feel better? I didn't know how to answer that one? But I was very proud of their concern for their mommy.

I'm looking forward to sharing the day with Lulu and celebrating her 41st. birthday. It is always nice to spend some time with your better half!!!

Lemonaide never tasted so sweet

Today I'm thankful for...

Having a day to rest, if only for a few hours

Watching my kids (Carter and Thomas) interact with strangers

Going to medical appointment with Lulu (mine this time)

Long sunny summer days to enjoy the outdoors

Today was very busy for me. I began by clothing, and feeding the boys after Lulu had left early for St. Mary's, then we loaded up the truck for a trip to walmart. The older boys have been asking to do a lemonade stand to raise money for their mom. I haven't made enough time to help them with this project until today. Today I made this my number one priority. We started by sitting down to put together a list of supplies needed for the stand? (two chairs, table, lemonade, cookie mix, poster board, ice chest, ice, cups, baggies, golf balls, money box, and a menu for what we would be selling). Next we had to find the items that we already had, and the one's we would have to buy. I made the boys guess at the cost of the supplies, and estimate how much they would sell if they had a good day? I can't tell you how impressed I was at their (especially Carter) ability to figure this stuff out. They came up with seeding money they would need to buy the supplies, and it turned out to be $20, so I said that I would lend them the money. Then we were off to walmart to purchase the supplies. They had to pick out the supplies from the list, and when checking out their total came to $22, so I told them I would lend the extra money.

When we got home Carter and I spent a couple of hours putting the lemonade stand sign together. We also had to place the table and chairs in the truck, and add the other necessary supplies. I ask them what would be the very best place and time to set up the Wilkerson's lemonade stand. To my surprise they came up with the idea of using the crossroads at the corner of Wolf Run and Silverwolf (they really wanted to put it up on Zolezzi, but I told them that the cars go by too fast and they wouldn't stop). The decided on best time to do the stand would be 4:30 to 6:00 PM. Lulu returned home just as we finished our loading, set up for the lemonade stand.

I was going to visit Lourdes, and Lulu was going to stay with the boys until my mom arrived to give her a little break. We were to meet at 3 PM at the Urologist for my vasectomy procedure. I arrived to the hospital at 11:35, and the nurse had started Lourdes' feeding on the bottle. I was disappointed that I didn't get the chance to give her the whole bottle myself. Lourdes and the nurse had a good start to her feeding session, and I was eager to take over. Lourdes was as very awake and she was doing a good job at eating from the bottle. The nurse changed the formula to the type that produces less gas, since she had issues with tooting and burping. I think that it helped, because Lourdes ate the whole bottle and I only had to stop to burp her twice (normally she likes to be burped four to five times). The rest of the daddy and Lourdes time in the NICU consisted of me watching her dream about sugar plum fairies and unicorns.

The lemonade stand was a big hit! Carter, Thomas, and I set up at the corner around 5 PM, and the first 10 or so cars didn't stop to purchase the goodies. The boys were just a tad bit discouraged, but they were determined to sell at least to 5 cars. When we first arrived after I helped them set up I stayed to help them if someone stopped, but I began to wonder if my presence was hurting their business, so I went to sit in the truck thinking that would be less likely to scare off prospective clients? It worked, because soon after a car stopped and purchased 2 cookies and two lemonades. I think that I had as much fun as the boys with this entrepreneurial undertaking? Plus, I got to meet some of the our neighbors that I have seen frequently, but never have met. However, the best part of all was that the boys came home and counted up the earnings, then without missing a beat told their mom that they had earned 50 dollars and they wanted to give her the money to help with her sickness. As you can imagine I was dumbfounded by the gesture. Talk about being proud of your kids. The whole experience so strengthened by beliefs in good deeds can change the world, even in the face of incredible adversity!!! It even gets better, the boys want to do it again tomorrow night, so they can raise more money for their mommy. Wow, what else can I say? I'm the proudest father in the whole world.

On the lighten side, I wanted to share this funny story with you. After sharing my afternoon with the prettiest girl in the universe (besides Lulu), I when to see the urologist. However, in transit to the doctor's office, I noticed that I was suppose to shave for my appointment (I guess that I probably missed it the first time because I didn't want to loss all my manhood after I had already shaved off the hair on my head, and I was worried about doing the same to other parts of my body?) Anyway, I had only 30 minutes to make the appointment and 15 minutes it would take me to drive there, so I needed a plan? I didn't want to be a negligent patient; not following the doctors orders, so I had to find a way to clean up quickly. I stopped at the nearest 7-Eleven, where I could get a razor, and then just needed a private spot to "Get cleaned up". With my quick thinking (and because it was close to my doctor's office) I chose to get prepared for the urologist at a Lowe's hardware store public restroom. I was relieved to find the men's restroom mostly empty as I entered one of the three stalls for my grooming session. I was quick, 5 minutes, and I left thinking that I was pretty cleaver coming up with this one? I also wished that I could see the face of the poor employee assigned to clean that restroom next? (maybe they would think that someone had their shedding dog with them?) Well, I made the urology appointment on time, and the whole incident made the urologist, his assistant, and Lulu laugh! (thought I wasn't sure that they were laughing at me or with me?).

I plan on taking it easy for a few days. (it may take at least that long for me to recover from the shaving cuts that I inflicted upon myself in Lowe's)? I'm sure that Lulu was just relieved, for once, she was the supporting spouse, not the patient? I have to say that it was nice to have her there to hold my hand for this; instead of the other way around.

Giving thanks for family and friends

Today I'm thankful for...
Having medical insurance to help cover costs for our family
My health
Getting to help people in my career choice
Living a clean life

I'm very tired tonight after a stressful day. I can say that I love what I chose for a career, and cherish I have the ability to do it. I know that I could be successful in other career paths, but could I ever find that job that I could experience getting to care for both kids and their parents? Even when I have a stressful, tiring, emotional day or week, I'm ready to take on the next challenge with the same vigor as I had the day before. Bring on tomorrow!!!

We have had some of the best meals delivered to our home. Words can't described the joy this food brings the Molina-Wilkerson family. Thank you all the taking the time to not only make the meals, but getting it to our home. (if your having a problem with the pesky gate at the bottom of the hill, just ram through it). The variety of foods brought to us is amazing, and I need to find a way to start a recipe website, so all could share in these delights?

Lourdes has been keeping up with her breathing without the oxygen. She has also been eating her bottles fairly well (I think Lulu is discouraged because she feeds Lourdes during the days when she seems to like to sleep, and I get to feed her at night when she's awake and eager to eat). She drink the whole 55 ml at the 8:30 PM feeding, and I really think she would have eaten more if it was offered? I can't get over how much she has grown. I think she tips the scales at around 6 pounds now, and you can begin to see rolls under her chin? She eats every 4 hours and she's taking 55 ml at a sitting. That much high protein milk would put rolls on any one? Tomorrow we will be taking turns, Lulu and I, being with her. I know that I'm looking forward to spending more time with Lourdes tomorrow then I would normally get.

Lourdes blood pressure issue

Today I'm thankful for...
Seeing my oldest (Carter) turn a year older
Being able to have Lulu see her oldest turn 9
Sharing our lives with family
Feeling strong and healthy

After spending the morning at the 9:30 AM mass, I went to spend some time with Lourdes. I was hoping that she would eat like yesterday, but I found out when I got there that she wasn't planning on eating anything for me. As I spoke to the day nurse I found out that Lourdes was had some issues last night. I was told that since last night at around 5 PM Lourdes' blood pressure was elevated, and that the physician was concerned enough about this to want to put her onto high blood pressure medications. (her BP was averaging 105/70 and at 36 weeks she should be much lower) I wanted to speak to the Neonatal doctor on call, and was assured that he would be in around 12:00? They were also concerned about Lourdes having fluid retention, and tissue edema (she was especially puffy in the genital and the eyes areas). After talking at 12:00 with the doctor, he didn't seem to be too worried about the new complications that Lourdes seem to be experiencing. He said that the BP medications should control her high pressure and that she would need to take it for two maybe three months. He didn't have a good explanation for why this was happening, but that it wasn't totally out of the normal for a very premature infant like her. I wasn't very determined to be pushy with the feedings knowing that the little girl was having some new challenges? She eat close to nothing for me, and the nurse finished her feeding on the pump (this is how that give the feedings if the baby doesn't eat on their own). Lulu was going to want to be here for the evening feeds, and get some answers to Lourdes condition. Obviously, this was going to be a set back for our "Lourdes coming home soon plans"!

Lulu has been doing well since the chemotherapy on Friday. She's having some of the expected nausea, joint/bone pain, and tiredness, but she was feeling up to putting on a birthday party for our eldest Carter. Lulu and I talked this morning, because I was concerned about how much effort and stressful this birthday party was placing on her. I was clear that I felt that she was over doing it, and shouldn't worry about all the little details that she loves to stress over. Her personality just doesn't allow for slowing down or doing any event less than perfect. So, I just tired to be as helpful as I could, and otherwise just stay out of the way! This weekend was ending as a extremely tiring few days, and I know I'm ready for the work week to begin so I can get some rest.

Tonight I'll be praying for a number of things;
1. Lourdes overcoming these new health challenges
2. Lulu's chemotherapy drugs healing the cancer in her body
3. My mentally and physically health staying strong
4. Friends to have the strength to over their personal loss
5. God's guidance to show our family a path to renewed hope

I'm hoping that everyone reading this journal are blessed with a health, safe, and productive week?

Are the tumors shrinking?

Today I'm grateful for...

When I get up in the morning I have choices

Four great and healthy children

Sunny summer weather

Happiness

Why can't she come home yet? I've been asking myself this question for the last week. Lourdes is getting well from a bottle, breathing well without help, and isn't having any other issues that I know about? What's the criteria for her to come home and be part of the family?

I missed the bottle feeding this morning. Since Wednesday, Lourdes was placed back on a every other feeding being a bottle, and I just missed this morning's bottle (I should have been there at 5:30 not 5:45 AM). The good news is at the 5:30 feeding, she ate the whole bottle for the nurses. I want to give her a bottle today, so I'll be returning at the 11:30 AM or the 5:30 PM feeding time? I got a short lunch break before I came back to feed Lourdes the 11:30 bottle. Even though I was only gone for less then a hour, I think that Lourdes looked bigger to me, and for sure more content then when I left? I was pretty excited that I was going to get to feed her today. She seemed excited also, and was cooing in anticipation of her daddy giving her her lunch. I couldn't change her diaper and take her temperature fast enough (in case you're wondering, yes she was poppy). As I prepared her for the nipple feeding, I was hopeful that she would latch on for me and eat the whole 55ml? I hadn't had the satisfaction of getting to see Lourdes eat the entire bottle at a sitting. We had a slow start. Lourdes was very awake, but getting her to suckle was a challenge. I could do this, I have feed three other infants, how much harder could this one be? I wasn't giving up, I talked her into trying harder to attach her lips around the soft nipple, and suck on the breast milk like she had never eaten before. She responded to my encouragement, and started to aggressively take milk from the bottle. Boy was I proud, we got to the end of the 55 ml. I really think that she could have just keep on eating more if we would have offered her some? I wanted to boast of our accomplishment, but there wasn't anyone except the nurses there, and for some reason I thought that they wouldn't be entirely impressed with our feat? In a strange way, I was happy that Lourdes was here in the intensive care unit, because I was getting alone time to bond with her. Somehow I think that she felt the same way?

Yesterday was busy. It started with Lulu and I taking a taxi ride to the UCSF cancer clinic at 7:30 AM, after packing up the kids and loading the car for Lulu's sister. We needed to get to the clinic early to get Lulu's blood test done (they need to make sure that the chemotherapy drugs aren't repressing her immune system too much?) We were done by 8:00 AM and had an hour before meeting the oncologist for her exam and consultation. So, we went for breakfast in the clinic's cafeteria. After breakfast, we made our way to the second floor breast cancer part of the clinic for the anticipated appointment with her oncologist. Like always, we were greeted like family and taken back into the consultation area on time. The nurse taking Lulu's vitals just happened to be a Buckeye alumni, so we had some chatting to do. Next we were shown to #2 examination room. The physician assistant walked in and after some pleasantries, she went into her consultation questions. What have you been feeling the last two weeks, what drugs did you need to take for the side effects, so you have any questions or concerns? (I wanted to speak up and say YES, is she going to live, but I didn't want to know that question yet. After 5 minutes of so, the oncology doctor appeared to do a follow up on the PA work. I was focused on only one thing, had the tumors shrunk in size? It seemed like an eternity before the doctor was ready to examine Lulu's breasts. She felt the tumors and measured their size with what seemed like a crude technique, a cloth tape measure that you would see in a garment factory. After checking the chart for the previous dimensions of the cancerous tissues, she announced out loud, without a lot of excitement, that the tumors had gotten "a little smaller". Not as promising as I had hoped? The oncologist seemed much more excited about Lulu's response two weeks ago. Was this all normal? Do the tissues respond better when initially exposed to the chemotherapy drugs, and then become less responsive with the continued exposure? Not clear, and I could see the disappointment in my wife's face.

Normally, I have been very quiet in these appointments, only talking when spoken to (you don't know how hard this is), but after brushing away my disappointment I spoke up, "What's the next steps after the chemotherapy, would Lulu need radiation therapy, and what about the surgery?" The doctor referred most of the questions to be answered by the breast surgeon, and verified that we are to see her in two weeks? We left with questions without answers, but we knew that they would all be answered in due time.

In two weeks we would have the last of the AC treatments, and then be able to take a three week break, before the Taxol part of the regiment is begun. The three weeks were approved by the oncologist, after Lulu had explained that she and I were planning on having Lourdes' baptism on labor day weekend. Lulu wanted to be as healthy as possible for the baptism, so she could enjoy the event. The oncologist said that I was more then fine to take an extra week between the therapies, and we were very relieved to hear that.

I have to say that we have such great friends and family to help with Lourdes' feeding and holding while we were in SF. It's comforting to know that if we couldn't be there, someone you trust will be!

Family and Lulu's Chemotherapy

Today I'm thankful for...

Lulu's sister coming from Puerto Rico to help us

Safe passage to and from SF Great weather

Having a strong wife

I'm sitting here in the kitchen of my house looking out the window thinking about what a great life that I have. Even with a new born daughter in the intensive care unit and a wife enduring chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. I think that she would agree me me, all except for the having cancer part? The last two days we spent in San Francisco. We made the journey down on Wednesday getting to the SF airport around 10 PM to welcome Lulu's sister Doris and her daughter. This trip we're staying at a Holiday Inn at the Fisherman's wharf. (Lulu informed me that this beats the "Rusty Door" by a mile). I do have to say that the accommodations were much better than the noisy, old intercity hotel we stayed in last month. I as soon as I helped Lulu get the kids into bed (I slept with Thomas and Hamilton slept with Lulu, Carter slept in the adjoining room with his cousin Natalia; this was to rotate the next night), I feel fast asleep. Tomorrow was to be a day of family togetherness, and sharing each others company.

Thursday's sun broke through the hotel windows and woke us all around 6:30 AM. I was very much looking forward to today. I had planned on show my kids SF (None of them had ever been to the city before, as unbelievable as that might sound?) I had the idea that we should all go on a Cable car city tour first (this is the cars that have wheels and the driver narrates the local interests as he drives a predetermined route though the city), second we would eat lunch in one of the famed restaurants that over looks the bay (clam chowder for everyone in the sourdough bread bowl), thirdly we would see the sea lions at pier 39 (this turned out to be one of the favorites), next would be going to the aquarium at pier 39 (the kids loved seeing the sharks and touching the starfish), and after we eat some dinner we will have to go to Giradelli square on our way back to the room. One of the ways I know that Lulu and I have strengthened our relationship is; my wife didn't make last second changes to the above plan. She was really trying to allow me to tour guide the trip with out constantly changing the plans along the way. Sometimes you just need to allow others (especially spouses) make decisions even if you think that you might have a better plan! You know I've found that life is just more fun this way, and my marriage benefits when the spouses take turn making "The Plan". Lulu was to go a some point in the day (Thursday) to UCSF clinic to have her blood drawn for tomorrow's chemotherapy appointment, but we were having so much fun as a family that time slips by and she never got there. That would mean that we would have to get to the clinic in the morning when the lab opened at 7:30 AM.

The must difficult part of the trip was deciding who was to accompany Lulu to her oncology/chemotherapy appointment Friday? I made to suggestion that I have been (and will be at every medical appointment that Lulu is to have related to the sickness) so why did her sister take her to the appointment tomorrow? Ultimately the decision would rest with Lulu, but she wasn't up to the task. I knew that Doris really wanted to go with Lulu, and as much as I wanted to be with Lulu at every step of her care, I could step back this time so her sister could be there. I could see the stress that this situation was causing, and that Lulu didn't want to make the ultimate decision who would attend, so I did. I really wanted to be with Lulu for all the treatments, and I wanted to go with her? After most of the day wondering, it was final, I would accompany her to UCSF for the appointments. I was really looking forward to Friday's appointment. So I could see the oncologist's face when she did her exam on Lulu's breast, and hold her hand as the drugs were pumped into her body at the infusion appointment.