A friend gets some bad news, Lulu's very saddened, and I don't know what to think?

Today I'm thankful for...
Little girls
Sunny days
New friends
A healthy back

Lulu and I attended a breast cancer support group dinner last night. I noticed Lulu is taking a greater interest in seeking out those in the community that have gone through the difficult breast cancer journey. I'm glad. This also gives me a chance to meet with the husbands of the survivors, so I can get useful information on how to better support my recovering wife? The gathering was very nice, and the pizza was splendid. We visited a home that the owners have a backyard brick pizza oven (handmade by the owners). What a great what to cook the Italian pies. All the crusts were laid out from wheat, to honey wheat, and white crusts, and then we could place a variety of topping on top. I like the goat cheese, pecans, and tomato one the best, but I would say that they were all so good. I think that ended up eating four or so pieces? (that's way more then I would normally have). As I indulged in the taste delights, I couldn't help but think about how lucky a man I was to have a beautiful, very strong wife as my wife. I was also thinking how great it is to be meeting so many new friends that have cancer in common. Just to be in the presence of all these people made me feel blessed. I could see the interaction that Lulu was having with the "ladies" and I could see the appreciation for life she was also feeling. I'm not sure that I have ever experiences more fulling, interesting conversations in my life? Lulu and I could have participated all night, but as the night grow later we needed to get home for the kids.

During the breast cancer support party Lulu received some sad news about one of her breast cancer friends. This news really effected both of us. Knowing that someone you have been sharing experiences, treatment, and emotions with has found out that they will be needing more treatment because the doctors found new cancer, is so very deflating. Finding this out while at a breast cancer gathering was bordering on surreal. God has such a way of touching you, and his timing always seems appropriate. I could tell that Lulu was thinking that the same her friend was facing could be awaiting her? The unknown is many times better left that way. I spent the rest of the night avoiding my opportunity to consul my wife, but instead I found myself avoiding the issue. I want to believe that Lulu's fate in this cancer fight will only be positive, but knowing that she might experience a recurrence or worse a formation of new cancer is part of the reality of the disease.

Even more disturbing yet was that just last Friday Lulu had a follow up appointment with the local oncologist (she found someone in Reno to keep tabs on her medications, future treatments, and emergent needs). Lulu really wanted me to meet the new oncologist, and you could tell that she really liked this doctor. I meet her at the appointment not really knowing what was to be discussed? When the oncologist arrived (we waited 15 minutes, that's pretty good) I was immediately impressed by his friendly demeanor and his through knowledge of Lulu's past cancer history. After a few minutes of discussing what has been happening with her treatments, and how she has been feeling; the discussion become the future. A big part of the topic was what else could be done in the fight against this disease? His recommendation was to have Lulu start some other types of drug treatments that have been shown to reduce the risk of recurring and/or new cancers showing up. I don't recall the drug choices, but there were a couple that were discussed. This physician was very concerned about the bone marrow test that UCSF breast cancer clinic preformed just last month. He felt that since the cancer cell count had increased in six months that Lulu "might want to have a bone scan, and a PET scan to confirm her health? Then something really interesting happened, he recommended that she have the test on Valentines Day. I thought that he was kidding at first, but I think that was the earliest date that these test could be arranged? I guess that some people celebrate Valentine's Day with a nice dinner and maybe some flowers? Lulu will get to celebrate with a battery of tests, and some new drug choices? The doctor wasn't joking I could tell that he thinks Lulu's health is so important that Valentine's Day can't be soon enough.

Lulu's handling the need for more tests well, but I'm really concerned about her ability to hold up knowing that her cancer colleague had a poor diagnosis? This will be a difficult two weeks as we both wait for the results of her next set of tests. Please keep Lulu in your thoughts and prayers, and send me some of your strength.

I have returned from a life changing trip

Today I'm grateful for...
Everything that I have
Being back home in Reno
My good health
Running water and electricity

I returned from Belize yesterday at 1 AM. I had the most memorable experience caring for people in Belize. I won't bore you with all the details, but I can tell you that the whole experience was so wonderful I don't know where to start? First, I got to spend the 10 days with both my eldest son, Carter, and my mother. Seeing each other in this light, out of the normal routine, and dealing with stressful situations was so very rewarding to me. I was very hopeful that Carter would be helpful, courteous, and adjust well to the life away from the common routines. Let me tell you, he was way more helpful, courteous, and self motivating then I could have ever imagined. Most of the team members on the trip were surprised to find out that he is only 10 years old. I just hope that he will continue to impress for the years to come (especially those dreaded teen years)?

Second, spending the time with my mom was a close second to being with Carter. I haven't had much chance to be with my mom without the daily routines getting in the way. It was great to see my mom helping with the Belize kids, and socializing with the other participants. The mother/son time was to be cherished. I can only hope that I will get another chance to spend this kind of time with her in the future? I was so very happy that she was the one to encourage me to serve and attend this mission trip.

Third, meeting many new people from all over the country. We had both medical personnel, and construction people to help with the care and construction of a new parish center total of 82 people attended. The relationships build during the 10 days were one's that I'm sure will last a lifetime. I really enjoyed to interactions with the other volunteers, and on returning to the US, I was seriously contemplating returning next year to serve again?

Forth, I really feel that we made a difference in many people's life's. The Belize children live in moderately poor conditions (in comparison to US standards), many of them don't have either electricity or running water. I was surprised by how many kids didn't have even a toothbrush. I see the looks and smiles on their faces when they received their new toothbrushes, paste, and floss was so gratifying. Just educating and interacting with the 400 or so children in the two schools was fulfilling my emotion tank. We ended up educating and applying fluoride to over 400 kids, and also had a chance to care for 30 or so adults too. I think when we finish the week we had extracted over 400 broken down or abscessed teeth? What a great chance to make a difference that we don't get the opportunity to experience very often in our lifetimes.

My goal now is to recruit more health care providers (dentist, hygienists, assistants) to return to Belize to continue where we left off this year. I think that with a few more providers we could really up the care that we give, and possibly educate all the schools in the Dangriga area? (population of 18,000 people).

I also have been utterly impressed by the outreach of support for this mission trip. So many people were telling us that they were going to be praying for our safe journey and return, and many of them donated money to the cause. I think that we raised over $5000 from family, friends, and people with huge hearts (though our expenses were quite a bit more then that). Next year I would like to raise even more money, and I have come up with the idea of riding my bike from Belize City to Dangriga (this is a six hour van ride, 240 mile round trip). Dangriga is where we provided most of our care for the children. For each mile, people could pledge money and those funds could be used to pay for the treatment of local Belize women's breast cancer (chemotherapy, radiation, drugs, physical therapy, and transportation/lodging in Belize City, the nearest cancer treatment center). What a great way to help in an area, breast cancer, that I have gained much experience in; and at the same time provide the kids in Belize with much needed dental education and treatment? Now I have to find a way to convince Lulu to make the trip, so she can not only be the role model for the breast cancer patients, but also see how her fight can help others facing the same dreadful disease. I can't think of a better way to share all my loves in life; bike riding, dentistry, teaching, and love for my wife. January 2012 can't get here fast enough!(this is the next Belize mission trip date).

I'm so glad to be back in Reno, and I can tell you that I'm not going to take anything for granted after seeing what many of the Belizean people live without. I want to thank God for blessing me with so much. I'm so very blessed!

I think that we both knew the answer to the bone marrow test?

Today I'm grateful for...

Everyday getting lighter by 30 minutes
Getting to care for kids in another country
New friends
A strong, determined wife

We had been waiting on pins and needles for the bone marrow biopsy test results this week. The oncologist had assured that we would have the results of the test by the end of last week, but we didn't hear until yesterday the news. During the last ten days there was a tension surrounding the family to was palpable and ever present. Lulu and I had the discussion multiple times per day about what not getting the results in the promised time means? We both assumed that not hear from UCSF meant that the test results would be positive to Lulu having higher numbers of cancer cells residing in her bones? As the weekend past without a call, we figured that the doctors needed more time to figure out how to break the "bad news" to us, or worse the test results pointed to another problem area of cancer for Lulu? All these thoughts really keep us from sleeping well, and made the passing of the days seems to take forever. This was one week that I was glad that it was me going to see the patients at the office, at least, I was staying busy. However, this meant Lulu had a lot of time for reflection. (if you can ever have "a lot" of time for anything when you have three active kids).

Tuesday came and went with still no news, and Lulu both called the oncologist at the clinic and emailed her asking her for some news from the test. No response. As each day past the trepidation intensified, and the thoughts of us receiving negative news were greater. As I feel asleep that night I remembered thinking about what could be our families future, and I found myself haunted all night by dreams of life without my wife? What a truly horrible feeling dreaming about your loving spouse dying leaving behind four young kids and a grieving husband to explain along the way why God has chosen to call upon their mother. You want to wake from the awfully painfully real dream that have consumed your sleep, but it's impossible. I did break out of the terrifying night of sleep around 4 AM, and had to prevent myself from falling back to sleep, and possibly re-dreaming the scenario? I can't remember a more horrible night of sleep in my lifetime?

Wednesday started off as normal as every other Wednesday. I put all the kids into the car and drove the older boys to school. (I really enjoy these rides with all my kids. We get Daddy time alone and spend some quality time playing games or just talking to each other). Lulu stayed at home with Lourdes and Hamilton until the sitter arrived and she could meet me for a meeting. We needed to get to the office by 12 noon so we could participate in the Dentistry for Kids weekly management and staff meetings. After these meeting Lulu wanted to pick up the older boys from school and had asked me if we could go out tonight to talk, if she could get babysitting for the kids? I knew this meant that she had probably got the news from the cancer clinic and must likely it wasn't good news. (if she had gotten good news I was quite sure that she would have just blurted out that she was "cancer free" or that the results came back "negative"; however, her wanted to be alone that evening could only mean that she needed my support because the news wasn't what we had hoped for?

When Lulu told me the news it was almost anti-climatic. There were not tears (I think that we had both shed those in the days leading up to today?). I think that we are just numb to the whole cancer thing by now? I was really hopeful that this would be the time that Lulu would get some good news? It just seems that all the cancer news relating to her has been "less then positive"? When will there be a break for this wonderfully loving, caring, strong woman? I have learned when facing traumatic news, the best thing for a husband to do is just hug your wife for as long as she needs it. I've become much better at being there for my wife in times of crisis.

As much as the oncologist says that the results of this bone marrow test don't have a baring on the extent of her cancer, you have to wonder about the results and what they actually mean. Even thought they say that the number of cancer cells within the bones hasn't been shown to increase to chances of recurrent cancer or cancer showing up in other parts of the body, I find myself thinking that have an increase in the total number of cancer cells in the bones can't be good? A wise man once to me that, "unmet expectations lead to upsets", and my expectation was that my wife was going decrease the cancer within her, and when this result came back the opposite is happening, I find myself very upset. Why can't she get a break?

The next step is to met with the oncologist at UCSF to discuss the future treatment options for Lulu (she would also like to get a PET or CAT scan to check for other sites of cancer). Lulu hasn't made the appointment, and I wouldn't blame her if she puts this one off for awhile. I find myself thinking about the "next steps" and what all is going to be involved?

Even with all this week has brought to our family, I have faith that things will improve. Sometimes the light is the brightest during the darkest hour? I will be looking for that beckon of light shining brightly through the dark cloud that seems to be covering our family, and when it comes it will seem like the best thing that we could ever wish for. Now I must rely upon God to make it happen.

Waiting on the results

Today I give thanks for...
Spending time with my daughter playing, and reading
Being a Dad
My strong back and the avoidance for pain
Apple computer for making my life so connected

Yes, we made the trek down to San Francisco on Monday for another Lulu cancer center appointment. I was going to wait until we received the results of the bone marrow test before writing here, but all the feelings that I have been experiencing just needed to be released. I haven't been in the office this week seeing patients, but I can feel the stress that comes with caring about the practice of treating kids. Lulu has been working on Thursday, yesterday, and today, and the effort/stress has been taking a toll on her. I was at the office for the management and team meeting yesterday, and I could tell from her tone of voice, actions, and the way she was moving that she wasn't having the best day. I did my best to console her, and I secretly wondered if the stress wasn't related to the office and dentistry, but the waiting on the results of Monday's test? I know that I have been very apprehensive about what the bone marrow biopsy number will say? Did the trial drug decrease the amount of cancer cells in the bone marrow during the shorten 3 months that Lulu was given the drug, or could the numbers have possibly increased? Both Lulu and I have been told by the oncologist that the pending results of this test must be taken "with a grain of salt" because the research that has been done so far on the concentration of cancer cells in the bone marrow, and the recurrence of the cancer has been shown. My understanding is that the hypothesis is: the higher numbers of cancer cells present in the bone marrow the higher probability of either a recurrence of the cancer or the increased possibility of the cancer showing up in other vital organs? The trail drug's purpose is to reduce the overall numbers of those cancer cells in the bone marrow, thus decrease the possibility of recurrent or new cancer locations. So, even as we are reassured that this is all "in theory", I can't help but think that these theories are weighing heavily on my beautiful wife's mind? (I know that I'm struggling with the information). The results (higher or lower) of the cancer cell count we're to be dropped upon us by the end of the week. I'm almost envious of my wife for getting the chance to be busy caring for the patients at the office, so she can be relieved from her anxiety. (if even for a short time). Heaven knows that I have had plenty of time to be thinking about what all this means.

Monday's visit was a little strange this time down to the cancer clinic. What I mean is the whole trip went by very quickly for me, and there was some flashbacks to all the trips down. Lulu and I fell quickly into the routine that we know so well; stopping at specific gas stations for snacks and gas, parking in the same floor UCSF cancer clinic parking garage, and eating dinner on the drive back at our favorite spot The Cheesecake Factory. I was seeing the trip down to SF as a downer, because this was the first trip down since the post operative surgical appointment in late November, I had begun to disassociate SF with my wife's cancer battle, and this trip was a reminder that there's still a long journey ahead. I guess that I should be seeing the positive side of this. It shows that Lulu has passed the stage of thinking about the daily battle of the cancer and she's thinking about the bigger picture. It's great to see that Lulu is thinking about a future that's less about cancer and it's effects and more on her other obligations like your career and family.

I know that there's more to this journey for Lulu and our family in the coming months? The next few months are going to be important in determining how the next number of years of being a "Breast Cancer Surviver" will effect our live's? I know that this dreadful disease won't be able to break the resolve of my strong life partner.