How Iced Tea opened my eyes

Today I'm grateful for...
Having time to enjoy my life
Sharing moments that seem little with my loved ones (every moment is huge to me)
Bret Michael's Trop.A.Rocka diet Snapple iced tea (this is good)
Sharing my bed with a compassionate wife

Lulu's had a drug regiment that seems to increases weekly? I think that she's on four medications now all related to treatment of the cancer or relieving the side effects of the cancer? From Tamoxifen to Centroid and she tells me that she needs to take Ibuprofen daily for the headaches and body aches that she is experiences. I remember many years ago my grandmother at the end of her life showing me her daily pill regiment and the drug organizer that she needed to keep the medications straight. My grandma, Grace, had nothing on Lulu's pill organizer, the thing is big, long, and filled up with many vital drugs. I haven't mentioned the fact that seeing the numbers and types of drugs she needs to down daily has me thinking about not just her mortality, but often all human beings life cycle.

The future is quite uncertain for us? Until Lulu's hyperthyroidism is cured, we have been told that she can't start the trial drug treatment on the bone marrow cancer cells, so we hope that the drugs will quickly stabilizer her thyroid and we can make plans to start treatments at the UCSF cancer clinic? In the mean time we struggle with trying not to think about "what next", and only concentrate on what we can control like what we do with each other, how much time we spend with the kids, and holding little Lourdes as much a possible. I know that both of us with be feeling more confident about Lulu's beating this disease when we get the OK to start this next phase of treatment.

I have a new obsession, Bret Michael's Trop.A.Rocka Iced Tea. Funny how I came acrossed this delightful liquid refresher. One night when I came to the family room to give my beautiful wife a "good night kiss and hug", I was intrigued by the TV show she was watching, and I just had to sit in on the action. I had heard of the TV series, The Celebrity Apprentice, but I had never really know anyone that had been following the show? I had never been a fan of Bret or the band Poison, but I just had to know what an aging, long haired, bandanna wearing rocker was doing on a TV show? I really thought that he was there as the Celebrity Apprentice we could all get a laugh out of because they were as out of place, and isn't fun to laugh at other's that we might have once idealized (or maybe still do)? Bret Michael's had substance. He impressed me with his creativity, ingenuity, leadership, and I dare say a Celebrity role model? After the show, I really wanted to test the diet Snapple flavor that he and his co-apprentice's touted as "tropical mango with a touch of peach flavor". Well, it took me a week of searching local stores to find the drink, but I'm sure glad that I finally found it. I can't really explain how the whole experience effected me, but I think about the show, the singer, and the drink daily. I guess the fact that anyone of us where we are famous or not can accomplish anything if we take chances, surround ourselves with the right people, and work hard at achieving our goals. Thanks Bret for opening one more creative space in my life (you can never have enough).

Just another health issue to deal with

Today I'm thankful for...
Getting a day to chase the fish with friends
Feeling positive about the future
Quality time with my mother-in-law
Seeing Lulu's emotional strength improve

What an emotional week for our family. As I'm sure you read in the last blog entry, that Lulu's will be starting a new drug treatment for the cancer cells that she has in your bone marrow. However, this will be on hold indefinitely due to the fact that she has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism after a blood test tow days ago. In preparation for the UCSF clinical study Lulu was directed to have a blood screening, and the levels of thyroxin being produced from her thyroid was abnormally low. Thus, the start of the drug treatment needs to be postponed until the hypothyroidism can be corrected. The doctor thinks that with medication that the thyroid should be back to normal in two to three weeks? Another slight setback in the "conquering the cancer" quest, but one that Lulu shall overcome with that great positive determination.

This news is causing havoc on Lulu's and my ability to plan the next six months of health care trips to San Francisco. In our existing schedules we have to plan for these dates where we will be running down to SF for blood tests, physicals, more bone marrow biopsies, CT scans, and who knows what else? As of today, we don't even know when this all can start, so just that fact is quite stressful for our family. We do know that once her body allows her to start this cancer treatment, it will require at least one trip per month to the clinic, and we're told that the end of the therapy will be six months from the first dosage. Well, this gives we the chance to finish before the Christmas holiday season.

I know that Lulu is worried about how she is going to feel with this new treatment? Will she get more fatigued? What about nauseous, and how about the physical appearance factor? I know that some of these questions will be answered soon, but many others can't be answered until she's participating n the course of treatment.

I just know that our family will be receiving some good news in the very near future? I'm unsure what is might be, but with all that has been effecting us lately, I think that we could use some?

The news isn't what we had hoped for

Today I'm thankful for...
The sound of crickets bringing in the summer warmth
Basking in the glow of my only daughter getting to celebrate her first birthday
Having the chance to make a difference in kids lives
Getting wiser as I grow older

Well finally we got the news about the results of the bone marrow biopsy that was done on Lulu over one week ago. I spent the last 24 hours thinking about ways to write the next few lines into this journal, but I really couldn't come up with witty or clever ways of saying that my wonderful, beautiful, strong wife has a "medically significant amount of cancer cells in her bone marrow."

I don't think that anything can truly prepare you for the knowledge that your loved one will need to begin a new battle against the breast cancer that she has been bravely beating this last 24 months? We were both so optimistic that the results of this test were going to be negative and that she would be cancer free? I can't tell you how devastating this news is for us. I think that this news just might be more damaging then finding out Lulu's initial diagnosis of Stage III breast cancer? I know that my world stopped for a long pause, as I attempted to process the information. I was so sure that Lulu was to be cancer free that I really didn't allow myself to see that there was any alternative. I know now why people facing great adversities say, "I was just going through the motions". This is how I feel now.

When Lulu awoke me from a restful sleep last night with the news that the test came back and she would be starting this 'experimental" drug treatment this Friday, because her cancer cell count was high enough to warrant the treatment, I was practically inconsolable. She and I just embraced, crying in unison, and then talking about the next steps between sobs. I woke in the morning early, wondering if I had really slept at all? I was alone in the bed. Seemingly it appeared that Lulu may have missed out on any rest for the night? We found each other for a renewed somewhat comforting embrace, before I had to get to the office to care for my other family. (thought my day turned out to be one of the most difficult days ever in the 15 years of dental practice).

I know that both of us felt guilty that today is Lourdes' first birthday, and the celebration is marred with the knowledge of Mommy's condition. Thought there's solace in knowing that Lourdes has come so very far in her short life. We are ever grateful to the care she received, the healing prayers that soothed our worries, and the grace of God growing her body and mind. We have a very healthy one year old that everyday reminds us how much we have to live for? It's hard to imagine that just one short (could have been shorter) year ago that 26 weeks premature baby was artificially brought into this world, and spent the first 90 days of her life battling for her life? We are the blessed ones!

I'm sure with time we will move into the "It is what it is, and just deal with it", but for now we're stuck in the "oh my god, what more does one person have to deal with"? As positive as both Lulu and I think that we are, there's a time that your defenses weaken and the doubt creeps in for a fleeting moment? We both know that we're moving into a new phase of life with this news, and we have the chance to build a stronger, better, or loving relationship from this. This is just another test that Lulu and I will pass with flying colors, and look back on this as a building block that strengthens the foundation of our relationship.

So it's on to UCSF for more monthly medical tests, drugs, and hope. Once we have more information about how long the treatment is, what is the effects of the treatment, and what does all this really mean; I'll be sure to update the journal with the news. Thank you again for all each and every one of you reading this has done for our family. This whole ordeal would be so much more lonely without your support, and prayers.