Waiting is so hard

Today I'm grateful for...
The Sun shining
Having a "best" friend to share my life with
All the friends and family for support
A meaningful relationship

I feel so bad for my wife this last 48 hours. We stressed over the results of Lulu's bone marrow biopsy from earlier in the week, and had really hoped that we would have some clarification on the amount of cancer cells presiding in her bones by the end of the day Friday (this is what we had been told be the oncologist)? As the day dragged on, Lulu and I became more anxious about the findings. We both found ourselves surmising why the UCSF clinic hadn't called? Could the delay be caused by the possibility that the test wasn't done properly, the blood marrow sample was lost, or the results show high cancer activity on the oncologists didn't want to alarm Lulu right before a holiday weekend? I know one thing that's for sure, I saw my normally stoic wife check her iPhone close to ever 5 minutes during the nerve racking day (and I found myself following her around hoping to hear the good news)?

Lulu and I travelled to Modesto in the central valley of California for my 26 year old cousin Christina's wedding yesterday. The event was well attended and the ceremony was so beautiful that we almost forgotten about the news of Lulu's long term success of battling this dreaded disease, breast cancer? As the night wore on it become apparent that the cancer clinic wasn't going to be calling with the results of the biopsy until at least tomorrow. Let me tell you some scary thoughts raced through both of our heads as we tired to fall asleep at the end of a very long day.

I'm so glad that Lulu has a big birthday BBQ planned for Sunday (and most of her family is either already here in Reno are coming in soon for the big event), because all the preparations will take some the worry and pressure off her shoulders. The busier she stays the less chance she has of conjuring up these crazy ideas that the delay in informing her of test results means anything more then just an over site by the cancer clinic? We need to reduce the stress level, even if, only for a day or so. Let Lulu enjoy the big moment of her only daughter making it to her first birthday. Lourdes' one year birthday was something that we were hopeful for in the days immediately after her birth, but honestly, we were so thrilled with just seeing our peanut sized premature baby girl make it out of the intensive care unit. This first birthday is to be very special for another reason too. Lulu has had the chance to see her only girl celebrate one year of life, and when she was first diagnosis with such advanced breast cancer, I think that we hoped that Lulu would see 40 of Lourdes' birthdays, but nothing was certain?

The Bone Marrow Biopsy

Today I'm thankful for...
The stressful anticipation of UCSF behinds us
A safe drive
My healthy and mostly painless back
A bright future

We made it back from the Bone Marrow Biopsy at UCSF late last night. I was feeling fatigued, so I can't imagine what my wife was feeling after 9 hours in the car (many of which she spent on the phone with consoling family and taking care of office tasks vital to Dentistry for Kids) and the stress of the unknown test that had occurred on her this day. I think that many times the most tiring event in this whole breast cancer fight is the unknowing? What tests are needed next, did the doctors miss something, is the cancer spreading, will the procedure(s) hurt, and how is my family coping with all this? I can tell you that I was exhausted mostly from the worry that I had about the test on my strong wife's physiological well being? Trying to find ways to not think about the cancer and what will happen next is emotionally draining for me. I just can't imagine how these same worries are weighting on Lulu?

Thankfully, the Bone marrow biopsy procedure turned out to be quite tolerable for Lulu, but as always, I wondered whether or not she was just putting up a front? Lulu was to have the biopsy in the UCSF, Ida Friend, infusion center. This is just 6 months ago Lulu and I spent ever two weeks (4 to 6 hours) in chemotherapy treatment. I think that just know that she was to return to the place where she fought the cancer with fatigue causing infused drugs, was most taxing on her? Though, when we arrived to the infusion center, the most soothing thing happen to both Lulu and I. As we waited for Lulu's turn to be called to be seen for the biopsy, one of the infusion nurses stopped his busy routine (and they were as busier today then I can ever remember them being) to fly across the room to inform today's nurse that this was, "A very special patient", and the fact that he remembered Lulu's name, that she had 4 children, once had long flowing black coal hair, and was one of the tallest patients that had ever graced the center. If you have never experienced this kind of care, you might not understand the tremendous comforting effect this kind of care can have on a cancer patient. Even more impressive was the fact that only once did this nurse have Lulu as his patient. I pretty sure of the fact that Scott that fantastic nurse would never read this paragraph, but I want to say thank you to him for making a breast cancer patients husband comfortable in a dreaded situation, not to mention the care (and dare I say it; the love) that he shared with my wife.

There was a lot of stress, a little humor, and some awkwardness during the bone marrow procedure. The stressful part wasn't all on the part of Lulu or I, but the fact that the extraction of the bone marrow cells from Lulu's hip did come off without a hitch. Really not knowing what a Bone Marrow Biopsy consists of Lulu and I had prepared ourselves for the worst and hope for the best. The oncologist is the person that actually was to do the procedure, surprise; and one of the pre-nursing students asked to watch (he was a mid twenties, tall, male so when your getting poked in the bare buttocks with a extra large needle and it just might make you call out for God's son; this could very well add to your stress levels?), Lulu, I think, knowing that this is a teaching institute reluctantly agreed to the stranger witnessing her cancer call harvest. I could feel the tension, as Lulu and I watched the nurse set up the instruments for the procedure right in front of our eyes. I could help but think if I was to show my patients any of the tools that they were preparing, I wouldn't have any patients to treat? There were some painful looking stuff included here like; a scalpel with a very sharp blade to cut the tissue, osseous bone picks to bore a hole into the bone, large gauge needles to numb the area, and enough anesthetic to deaden the whole city of San Francisco. I really wanted to lighten up the mood, because if all these scary looking tools weren't freaking out my wife, they were surly making me nervous? The oncologist was talking about the difference between being a PA (physician's assistant), and a MA (medical assistant) as she was gowning and gloving for the "procedure". I said, "I thought that Physician assistants we're the students that could hack it in Medical school, so they ended up being put into PA program?" It was meant to be funny, but my audience wasn't feeling the humor, so I just added to the awkwardness of the moment. I've always used humor to hide my nervousness, but this time I had failed miserably.

Lulu is a trooper when it comes to pain. The oncologist, she, was having difficulties with getting through the thick cortical bone that must be penetrated to access the internal blood cells. As she struggled to get through this very hard wall, she began to perspire and seem frustrated at her inability to complete the process? The whole time Lulu could be heard saying that none of the poking, digging, prodding hurts, and that she doesn't have to worry about osteoporosis (a condition of thinning of the bone due to bone cell loss). Though all the the tests, many of which would take a toll of most of us, Lulu hasn't complained once. This biopsy was to be no different. At least, when I thought that the doctor was going to call in the reinforcements, the illiac bone was penetrated and the bone marrow biopsy could be completed. I could see the relief on the oncologist face and I just hope that my relief that this was over wasn't as noticeable on my face as it was on hers? After a discussion of the next steps for Lulu. We learned that the results of the test just completed should be available to us by this Friday May 28? We were too excited about waiting again for a answer to what's next in the cancer battle, but what choice did we have?

The drive home seemed to take forever? I think that both Lulu and I are going to have a long week waiting on the results of the test, which will have a large baring on her (and my) future? I'm just glad that she will be keeping busy at the office with patients on Wednesday and Thursday. I know that no matter what the results of this test are, lulu will be up for the next stage with her Puerto Rican fighting attitude. So watch out you thoughtless cancer, you don't have a chance against this incredible woman. Let's all keep praying for a miracle, just in case!

Fearful of "TOMORROW"

Today I'm grateful for...
Watching the kids grow up everyday
My so beautiful little girl
A wife that feels healthy and productive
Faith

It is the eve of the next big hurtle for my wife. Tomorrow is the day she has the appointment at UCSF for a bone marrow test that will partly determine her future battle with this cancer. She has been keeping herself quite busy in the time since she returned from SF after finishing her radiation treatment. It seems like a million years ago, but she finished the treatment just 2 months ago. This has been a tense couple of days. I know that the gravity of the situation is weighing heavily on her. Just this morning at Sunday mass I caught Lulu in a emotional avalanche, and I was feeling the pain of her thoughts. What was to happen tomorrow, would the procedure be painful, and how would she feel after? But mostly I think that we both are fearing that the test will unveil cancer cells hiding in her bone marrow, waiting for their chance to inflict their terrible mission in Lulu's body of destruction. I think that the only things keeping her from physiological meltdown are the maternal need to be there for her family and the strong pull of her professional career. When facing this or any adversity with life in the balance, one must wonder how far can you be pushed and not fall into despair?

Funny how our life's have changed in this last year? As a positive from all the family challenges, Lulu and I have melted together into one being. Each and everyday we see with a new purpose, and we talk about her being one step closer to putting the cancer behind her. Though the stress of Lourdes premature birth, the 90 days of intensive care before bringing Lourdes home, a breast cancer diagnosis, facing the huge mountain of treatment choices, all the treatments Lulu has endured, financial uncertainty, and a never ending construction lawsuit; we have faced and conquered all these in this last year. Knowing that when you have beat the odds, and are still in the fight, makes all the difference.

I know that all the prayers that have be bestowed onto out family this last year have been heard, and they are allowing us to move forward in this breast cancer battle. Again it's very difficult to say just what all the support has meant to our family, but I what to shout it out, All of your prayers are making the difference. Thank you all so much, and please pray for Lulu tomorrow, that her biopsy goes smooth, and the results are negative to more cancer.

Mom's on the run

Today I'm thinking about...
Having a great day
How fun spending time with the family is
Getting a chance to change life's
Better weather

Yesterday the family signed up for the Mother's on the run event. We were blessed with great weather (sunny, no wind, and 60's). This is a far cry from the turbulent weather we've had in Reno this winter and spring. Our family was joined by our good friends the Salas family and my parents for the 5K walking portion of the event. The turn out was incredible, and everyone seemed to be having a great time, sharing stories and helping each other during the walk. I think that I had heard the announcer say that the event had raised $200K dollars for local cancer victims? I would be guessing, but I think that there was upwards of 2000 people at the cancer event?

I was very proud of the family. Lulu made the 3K walk without tiring herself too much (though she took a nap after the walk). My boys, including the 3 year old, walked the whole way and not once did I hear them complaining about being tired, or when we were going to be done? The older boys even wanted to walk the longer 5K portion of the course. What great bonding for the family and a great event for the cancer community. I suggested at the end that we (our family at least) should do this every Sunday after mass? I'm not sure but I think that I was the only one interested in that idea?

We are staying busy with life

Today I'm thankful for...
My wife feeling better each day
Loving and secure kids
My health
A wonderful house to come home to

The family has been busy with the kids school, the office (and all it's needs), and planning the summer. Lulu has had a chance to work at the office for the last three weeks, and though she's extremely tired; she has been loving every minute of her days. Lulu even wants to be the managing partner for the practice. I'm not really too excited about the idea of her stressing about the daily trials of Dentistry for Kids, but the bright side is that the extra work keeps her mind off her cancer. Will be redefining her new position as the days go by, but I know I've put my two since in for the position not to take away from her home/kids time.

Lourdes has had many medical appointments. I'm so happy to report here that she has past all the test with flying colors. At 11 months (her will be one on June 1) she is developing like a normal 7 or 8 month old. I've been told that with very premature babies like her this is normal. I have to say that I'm a very involved Dad. This week I've been out of the office, and spending so much quality time with the little jewel. Today we took a stroll at the local mall and eat some "hotdog on a stick" together, we did a wardrobe change three times today (this little girl can miss her clothes with the best of them), and played Daddy fetch (one of her favorites). I prefer the father/daughter snuggle time the best, and I've noticed that Lourdes isn't sleeping in my arms as often now? I'm missing some of the cute things that she used to do, but has grown out of already. They grow so fast!

We're fast approaching the May 24 date of Lulu's bone marrow biopsy. This is the procedure so the amount of cancer cells in the bone marrow can be assessed, and if there is some (we're praying that this test will be negative) Lulu can start a experimental drug therapy to fight this invading cancer cells. I think that this is a big advantage when seeking treatment at a educational facility like UCSF? In addition to all of Lulu's care in the same place, they have access to all the newest treatment modalities and drugs. I know that Lulu is worried about not only the process of giving a sample of bone marrow, but also for what the results might be?

We wish to thank everyone that has been praying for our family, and thinking about Lulu's recovery. I know that I'm so very blessed with how great our friends and family have been through this last year. The caring that has been shared with us has been amazing. We can't thank you all enough. Thank you all for being there for us!