The first week of Radiation treatment

Today I'm thinking about...
How difficult the week must have been for my wife
My kids mental strength and understanding of what's happening to their Mommy
Having to work out the next four weeks of the radiation schedule
How very privileged that I am

Lulu and I returned today from the first week of radiation therapy in San Francisco. Surprisingly, the week went better then I ever expected; however, it wasn't easy. I do think the fact that I was really busy at the office Monday through Wednesday helped to make the week fly by, and by the time that I got down to SF I was ready to be there for Lulu. I arrived at the UCSF cancer clinic on Thursday about 12:30 PM, and I found Lulu talking to our "cancer friend" Kate. Wow, I had been wondering how she had been doing in her battle with this sinister breast cancer? Kate was back. How many times can you have these freak meetings and still call it coincidence? I tried not to interrupt their intensely personal conversation, as I said my hellos as we all exchanged hugs. Lulu and Kate were sharing their individual battles with the likes of chemotherapy treatments, surgery recoveries, and the 5 week long expectations of the radiation treatments. I felt a little awkward sitting near the two, hearing them tell their side of the battle, it was almost as if they could have been close sisters sharing their difficulties with dating or relationships with boyfriends. However, I had to remind myself that they were sharing much more than that; they were bonding on a level that only someone that has battle this type of cancer can relate too. I realized that I have never really heard or seen my wife discussing her illness with others that share in this same affliction? The gravity of Lulu's circumstances hit me as I listened to them for that 20 minutes. I could see that this was so very important to Lulu and her recovery, and I made a mental note to bring up the fact that she should attend as many support groups as possible during the next four weeks of radiation treatment.

After a 20 minute conference call with all three doctors and one of our office's consultants (we discussed to future of the practice and how the plans for DFKs effects each of us), Lulu and I rode the elevators down to the basement of the clinic were the cancer radiation department is located. I got to see the whole treatment facility and observe the flow of treatment that occurs there (though they didn't allow me to see Lulu get her radiation treatment for the day). I was impressed with the organization and efficiency of the process, and in no more then 15 minutes Lulu was finished. I was astonished by how quickly the whole process was over, and Lulu was excited to get out of there and walk me back to the apartment that she had be staying at for the week. I was probably most proud of the fact not only did Lulu walk to and from the apartment to UCSF clinic, she was changing her diet (as I was informed that we were going to eat at a Herbivore restaurant for lunch). The walk turne out to be quite refreshing and I enjoyed the time together with my wife; talking about her week, and me talking mostly about the kids. I could tell from the energy in Lulu's voice that she really was happy that she (we) chose for her to have this treatment here in SF. We arrived to Lulu's modest shelter for the week (a basement apartment that was slightly dark and cold, but well appointed and nicely decorated). I was worn out from the drive down from Reno, and after discussing plans to spend time later going to dinner and a movie in the city, I napped a short time.

The next morning Lulu and I rose early to pack up her belongings and travel to the UCSF clinic for Friday's radiation treatment, before heading on home to Reno for the weekend. Lulu strode into the radiation room like a seasoned veteran and I went to the reception area to wait. This morning's treatment seemed even quicker then yesterday's? But I was thankful that she had completed the first full week of treatment. This means that she is one week closer to finishing the third leg of this cancer fight. The ride home was very enjoyable, and I was happy to share my wonderful wife with no one else but me. After three days away from each other it felt like I had not been with her for weeks. I really wanted to savior every minute that we have together.

Side note: For all that have been so involved with helping our family with everything from dinners to financial support, Lulu and I want to say that we are so very grateful. We haven't been very good at accepting friends and families generosity during this trying times, but we're working on being more open to the idea of allowing people that love us to help us during this time. Lulu wanted me to tell everyone how very blessed she feels having the prayers and love bestowed upon her. Each and everyone of you is seen by us as the network of strength propping our family up to face these difficult times.

How you can help our family???

Today I'm grateful for...
Having more time in this life
Seeing the kids grow up
Being there for my wife
Holding the Angelic girl, a lot

I'm holding Lourdes on my chest as I finish feeding her one of her many nighttime milk treats. She's doing so great. The ear issue seems to have gotten better after 10 days of antibiotics, and a lot of fussiness. When I'm not working the next day I will sometimes do the two or three night feedings, so my wife can get some needed rest, and tonight I'm up at 4:00 thinking about Lulu and the radiation treatment coming up. We have been feeding Lourdes rice in both the bottle and by spoon, and I really think that she getting to like it? My goal (as I'm sure any parent of a 7 month old infant has) is to get her to sleep through the night. I know that one day soon Lourdes will slumber through the nighttime hours and I look back and miss those special times we got to spend together?

I have been having a good friend (maybe your could call her an angel) help us with finding a place for Lulu to stay during the radiation treatment at UCSF. This friend has been instrumental in helping us find lodging for the surgery and the many radiation treatments throughout this ordeal (remember the wonderful overnight stay at the Ritz Carlton Hotel?). I just knew that we needed some help in locating a convenient and comfortable place that could accommodate both Lulu and the family at times? We have found a small apartment for Lulu to stay at for the 5 to 6 weeks of treatment, but we're thinking that the "Rusty Door Motel" would be much more affordable?

If you'd like to help, Lulu and I have posted a button on this blog where you could donate to help with the costs associated with the expenses of the radiation treatment in San Francisco. As many expenses from the medical costs for surgery, chemotherapy, many doctors exams, and now the radiation; arrive in the mail, and a long with Lulu not working for the last 9 months, any amount would help with defraying the costs. I know that many of our friends and parents have asked, "How can we help", and this is a way to relieve us of some worries. Lulu is going to be flying down to San Francisco weekly to stay for the Monday through Friday, and I will be driving there for the support on Wednesdays and driving her back at the end of the week. We plan on taking the kids with us for a couple of the treatment weeks. I have posted a link here in the blog to donate to help the Molina-Wilkerson family with the costs of the housing and travel to San Francisco, so if you're inclined (just for the record, Lulu has been against asking for an help during this whole cancer ordeal; however, I have heard form so many of you that you want to help her, and I know that she has been wonderfully surprised with how many people have been there for us).

As strange as this sounds, I'm quietly looking forward to the next 6 weeks of Lulu's treatment. I think that it's a combination of getting one more part of the treatment for the cancer over and behind us, or if the thought of spending so more quality time together as husband and wife? Lulu has been told the radiation treatments will take about an hour a day, and that she will have very little side effects during the treatments. So, that leaves the rest of the days for sharing each other's company? I'm so glad that I enjoy my wife's presence, because we are going to get a lot of quality time together in this next 6 weeks. I have been thinking about what I'm going to talk about already. How lucky we are to have each other to get through the difficulties we've faced this last 12 months, how we are raising the kids and what we can do better for them, where do we see ourselves professionally in the future years, and how as a family can we become closer? Hopefully, cancer doesn't have to strike your family to ask yourself some of these same questions? Everyone of us can be looking for answers to happiness without having these kind of life changing events slapping us in the face.

I want to thank everyone of you. Our friends, family, and acquaintances that have been praying for our family, and have been there for us through the difficult times that we are facing. It means a lot to both Lulu and I to have so many people worried about our health and well being. We're awe struck daily with the numbers of well wishers and faithful people following our life's. Thank you!

"There's an Elephant in the room"

Today I'm thankful for...
Having my health
Spending lots of quality time with my family
Some alone time
Feeling good about my wife's health

I have been thinking a lot these last few days about the future, and more specifically Lulu's future with breast cancer. What keeps coming to my mind is the words the Randy Pausch used in his book, The Last Lecture, "there was a Elephant in the room". Lulu and I have this Elephant following us, and neither of us wants to discuss it. Reality, Lulu is still battling the hideous cancer, and the Elephant in the room is what could be her future? I'm not sure that I knew what it would be like to carry an large, long tusks, beast around on my shoulders for this long? How do you eliminate his ever presence? I know that the right plan would be to have the most difficult of conversations. What if you become sick enough to not be able to return to work, or what if you can't muster enough energy after future treatments to consistently care for the children? Most of our days are filled with ignoring tomorrow, and what it might bring, we just want to make it through today. But there's a time in life that you must face the future (no matter how scary it might be?) and plan for it.

Part of the "facing the future" was addressed today when we both met Dr. Zeff at the office for a ownership meeting. Once a month we schedule, and meet, for a 2 hour discussion on the future of Dentistry for Kids, and today we were past due for a chat session. I have been talking Lulu's ear off since her cancer diagnosis about discussing our plans as the owners of the busy practice. When you been awoken by this kind of adversity (both Lulu's breast cancer and Lourdes' extremely premature birth) I think we all reassess our life's and what is our purpose in this life time? As I struggle to define my purpose, I did conclude that I felt a strong urge to spend less time in the mental and physical involvement in managing the daily activities of the dental practice. So, as the doctors met we all voiced our opinions on our own involvement in the practice. I'm not sure if the conversation will truly lead us to a euphoric end, but I know that I felt better once I got these long time feelings off my chest. With both Lulu and Dr. Zeff being out of the office, I have seen the light. A light of how I want to see my future within the framework of Dentistry for Kids (and how I would like to see the framework for my wife)?

The radiation treatment for Lulu in San Francisco is approaching fast and we don't have a plan for how we are going to orchestrate it all? I try to hold back my apprehension about the whole thing, but truth be told, I'm scared to have to be apart from my lover and confidant for even a few days let alone a possible 5 or 6 weeks! I know that we'll be together for the weekends, but not being there for her during those intense radiation treatments, holding her hand, or telling her that every things going to be just fine, will be as hard as being alone. I have been tempted to just reschedule patients during those days and take the older boys out of school to be there as she goes through this, next step, of cancer treatment? I know we'll both look back on this time and see that the sacrifices made weren't difficult, but for now they seem like a huge ice covered mountain that we just can't make the ascent to the summit? I pray everyday (I now know how to pray, not like what I used to call praying) for the strength and the wisdom to make the choices that will bring healing and comfort to Lulu.

I had made the decision to walk myself to the ownership meeting (not just for the exercise, but also for the alone, thought provoking time I need to sort out my thoughts). As I walked through the cold and windy neighborhood I was thinking about how I got to this point in my life? A beautiful wife, 4 wonderful kids, large dental practice, and living in Reno. How in my 44 years I have travel through many successes and a few non-successes; however, through it all I have become this person that I really like. And until now, like the old cliche, I couldn't think of anything that I would change? I continued to follow the road for the office, and I couldn't take my mind off of "what if" scenarios. What if I couldn't keep the strength up supporting my cancer battling wife? What if she wasn't able to return to the profession that she so desperately loves? What if one day she isn't here for the family anymore? I couldn't shake the grief that came over me as I shuffled my red and black Nikes over the frigid pavement. The hour long walk seemed to take forever, and I was happy that I wore my waterproof coat, because the tears that flowed from me would have soaked though my other one. I normally look forward to these walks to clear my head of negative thoughts and ponder life's next steps, but today I just "wanted to get there". I could feel myself in a almost run the last half mile to the office!

What kind of parents are we???

Today I'm thinking about...
Maximizing my time
Smell the roses
Love myself
Be strong

My days Monday through Thursday are busy, and tiring, but mostly I miss being able to spend quality time with Lourdes. When I get home late, I'm tired, but I want to hold the little bundle of joy. Last night she was so cute talking and chirping, smiling at every sound that I made to her precious tiny face. Those eyes she has are just so big and beautiful. I have a hard time understanding how she is a product of this gruff looking, rugged faced man? I have a special chair for holding Lourdes in(though I would hold her anywhere), and I love that, sometimes, hours that her and I melt together in that chair. Lourdes' ear infection seems to be improving, and she has a better demeanor the last day or so. I wonder how long that she was inflicted by the reddened, swollen ear drum before we took action? Lulu and I have never been the parents to react quickly to sickness, infection, or traumatic falls (I think in the 9 years of having kids, we have only given antibiotics twice, and showed up at the emergency room once?) Does that make us neglectful parents, or does it mean that were teaching our kids that not ever scrap and bruise stops the world? I think that it just makes us us, and every parent finds his or her way through child raring differently. That's one of the things that make all humans different from each other.

Lulu and I had a great discussion over dinner last Saturday night. We talked about how far we've come in this last year, what was our feelings about the future, and how we were going to tackle the next 6 months. We spent a long time on the radiation treatment that she is to have at UCSF. One thing that we found out is there's still a lot of planning that we need to do. We made a list of who we thought would be able to stay with the kids when we were both in SF, and who would be best to stay with the older two in Reno? Logistically we never had to plan some thing like this before, we have always included the children in trips or made sure the trip was short so we didn't have to worry about someone to care for our children. We talked about being thankful for having so much support from family and friends, and how we could reach out to people that want to really help us during this period. Normally during dinner alone we talk about our love for each other, how busy we been with the kids, or what we can do as a family in the next few months; however, this night was the most I think that we've spent talking about the future and how we can best approach it?

Lourdes has an ear issue

Today I'm happy for...
Feeling well
Very cute kids
New friends
Recovering wife

We found out today that Lourdes has a sick ear, so that explains lot. She has been so fussy the last four days or so, and this morning Lulu was cleaning her ears and noticed what looked like a object in her right ear. After dismissing this as ear wax in the morning, this afternoon we noticed a cloudy exudate coming out of the same ear. It turns out that she had reason for being a cranky baby.

I'm sure by tomorrow after being on antibiotics for 12 hours, Lourdes will be a different baby? We have tried to give her rice cereal for two weeks, but Lourdes just isn't very excited about this. Though today we got the larger nipples and started giving her the rice cereal in the bottle with milk. So with both antibiotics and the cereal milk, we're planning on getting a little more rest this next few weeks?

Lulu and I will be going out tomorrow night for date night, and to have time to discuss the details of the radiation treatment in San Francisco at the end of the month. We need to find out how we can make this all work. It will be nice to spend some alone time with that lovely wife.

Making the plan for Lulu's radiation treatment

Today I'm thinking about...

How lucky I am
Having the best people around me
Having a healthy. mostly pain free back
Being the best person that I can

This has been a very busy week for me. Monday through Wednesday I get to the office by 6:15 and usually I'm not returning home until late. I spend a few hours with the kids reading book, playing games, and just wrestling around before going to bed by 9:30 or so. I've been so tired, but satisfied about the work that we're doing for our patients. Today was the first time in 8 months that Lulu, Rasika (Dr. Zeff), and I have been in the office at the same time (but only for a meeting about the future schedule for Dentistry for Kids). I could feel my stress level fall many notches with them both just being there. I couldn't wait until all the doctors were going to be together as a team in the office just a few months away.

Lulu and I officially have a fussy baby. Lourdes has been keeping us up at night for months now (well mostly Lulu, especially on my work days). We've tried all kinds of things to get her to sleep for longer then 4 hours. As the months go by she seems to sleeping less and less then the previous months. We tried changing the formula and the bottles we use to feed her, but nothing seems to be working to get her satisfied? But even as much as she's crying, somehow she cries in the cutest way. I have noticed that she is smiling more this last week, and really follows your voice with her eyes. It seems that her hair grows an inch daily? There's a portion of her hair that's much longer then the rest, and it sometimes seems that she has a bad toupee? I'm so looking forward to spending more time (even if that means getting up 4 or 5 times a night) with the little snuggle girl.

Tonight lulu and I have had a discussion on how the radiation treatment in SF will effect my work schedule, the kids school, and what to do with Lourdes and Hamilton the youngest? So far we hadn't been able to find the solution to the treatment that she need the end of this month. We do know that she will be starting radiation on Monday January 25, and will be getting the radiation Monday through Friday and that it will last for at least 5 weeks. Let and pray that the radiation will prevent Lulu from ever having to confront this cancer again?

Celebrating Hamilton's third birthday

Today I'm grateful for...
Getting to sleep through the nights for the last week
Family helping Lulu and I emotionally
Sunny weather returning
Appreciation for my wife's strength

After the very stressful medical trip to SF, Lulu and I were looking forward to enjoying the next few days with family. We celebrated the New Years with family and friends at the local bowling facility, Coconut Bowl. We rented a private area with four lanes, and celebrated the Puerto Rican New Years at 8 PM (in PR the time is 4 hours ahead). As the clock struck 8 PM, I kissed Lulu and whispered into her ear that 2010 will be a great year, and that she deserves it. Everyone really enjoyed themselves (even the non-bowlers). We returned home and watched movies until late in the evening (I wrote in my journal for a hour or so). I was really excited about this new year, and a little nervous about what it was to bring?

Today is Saturday the 2nd of January, this is our third child's birthday, Hamilton. He's turning 3 years old today, and we are having a Mickey Mouse celebration with again family and friends at the local My Gym. He has been prompted by Mommy that the big day is approaching for the good part of the month of December, so he's quite wound up about this day. Before we leave to the party, I wanted to take all the kids to Circus Circus for games and circus shows. With five kids in tow, Pancho (my brother in law) and I paraded around for a couple of hours shelling out dollars so the kids could try their lucky at winning various stuffed animals. We were pretty successful and returned home with 15 or so critters. As little as 5 years ago doing this kind of thing would come to my mind as enjoyable, but as I grow older (and you would hope wiser), I find this kind of entertainment enjoyable. I even find myself taking pictures or video of every moment I can. I just enjoy life a little more these days, and I don't let a moment pass by without finding a way to enjoy it. I could just sit down on a rock outside and find some way to enjoy the experience. There's so much we have in front of us, and I think that many times we don't recognize most of it?

All the family leaves tomorrow, and Lulu has a ready told me that she's saddened by the thought of their leaving. It's so nice to have them here for us, but the negative is that at some point they will leave. We don't have a plan for when any of Lulu's family might be returning (that's probably the saddest part). I can't convey just how much their visit means to both Lulu and I. I guess that one of the positives about this breast cancer, is it bring the family together more often? We're left wondering what kind of support we'll need in these next two months with the continued care that Lulu's to receive?