Waiting on the results

Today I give thanks for...
Spending time with my daughter playing, and reading
Being a Dad
My strong back and the avoidance for pain
Apple computer for making my life so connected

Yes, we made the trek down to San Francisco on Monday for another Lulu cancer center appointment. I was going to wait until we received the results of the bone marrow test before writing here, but all the feelings that I have been experiencing just needed to be released. I haven't been in the office this week seeing patients, but I can feel the stress that comes with caring about the practice of treating kids. Lulu has been working on Thursday, yesterday, and today, and the effort/stress has been taking a toll on her. I was at the office for the management and team meeting yesterday, and I could tell from her tone of voice, actions, and the way she was moving that she wasn't having the best day. I did my best to console her, and I secretly wondered if the stress wasn't related to the office and dentistry, but the waiting on the results of Monday's test? I know that I have been very apprehensive about what the bone marrow biopsy number will say? Did the trial drug decrease the amount of cancer cells in the bone marrow during the shorten 3 months that Lulu was given the drug, or could the numbers have possibly increased? Both Lulu and I have been told by the oncologist that the pending results of this test must be taken "with a grain of salt" because the research that has been done so far on the concentration of cancer cells in the bone marrow, and the recurrence of the cancer has been shown. My understanding is that the hypothesis is: the higher numbers of cancer cells present in the bone marrow the higher probability of either a recurrence of the cancer or the increased possibility of the cancer showing up in other vital organs? The trail drug's purpose is to reduce the overall numbers of those cancer cells in the bone marrow, thus decrease the possibility of recurrent or new cancer locations. So, even as we are reassured that this is all "in theory", I can't help but think that these theories are weighing heavily on my beautiful wife's mind? (I know that I'm struggling with the information). The results (higher or lower) of the cancer cell count we're to be dropped upon us by the end of the week. I'm almost envious of my wife for getting the chance to be busy caring for the patients at the office, so she can be relieved from her anxiety. (if even for a short time). Heaven knows that I have had plenty of time to be thinking about what all this means.

Monday's visit was a little strange this time down to the cancer clinic. What I mean is the whole trip went by very quickly for me, and there was some flashbacks to all the trips down. Lulu and I fell quickly into the routine that we know so well; stopping at specific gas stations for snacks and gas, parking in the same floor UCSF cancer clinic parking garage, and eating dinner on the drive back at our favorite spot The Cheesecake Factory. I was seeing the trip down to SF as a downer, because this was the first trip down since the post operative surgical appointment in late November, I had begun to disassociate SF with my wife's cancer battle, and this trip was a reminder that there's still a long journey ahead. I guess that I should be seeing the positive side of this. It shows that Lulu has passed the stage of thinking about the daily battle of the cancer and she's thinking about the bigger picture. It's great to see that Lulu is thinking about a future that's less about cancer and it's effects and more on her other obligations like your career and family.

I know that there's more to this journey for Lulu and our family in the coming months? The next few months are going to be important in determining how the next number of years of being a "Breast Cancer Surviver" will effect our live's? I know that this dreadful disease won't be able to break the resolve of my strong life partner.