I think that we both knew the answer to the bone marrow test?

Today I'm grateful for...

Everyday getting lighter by 30 minutes
Getting to care for kids in another country
New friends
A strong, determined wife

We had been waiting on pins and needles for the bone marrow biopsy test results this week. The oncologist had assured that we would have the results of the test by the end of last week, but we didn't hear until yesterday the news. During the last ten days there was a tension surrounding the family to was palpable and ever present. Lulu and I had the discussion multiple times per day about what not getting the results in the promised time means? We both assumed that not hear from UCSF meant that the test results would be positive to Lulu having higher numbers of cancer cells residing in her bones? As the weekend past without a call, we figured that the doctors needed more time to figure out how to break the "bad news" to us, or worse the test results pointed to another problem area of cancer for Lulu? All these thoughts really keep us from sleeping well, and made the passing of the days seems to take forever. This was one week that I was glad that it was me going to see the patients at the office, at least, I was staying busy. However, this meant Lulu had a lot of time for reflection. (if you can ever have "a lot" of time for anything when you have three active kids).

Tuesday came and went with still no news, and Lulu both called the oncologist at the clinic and emailed her asking her for some news from the test. No response. As each day past the trepidation intensified, and the thoughts of us receiving negative news were greater. As I feel asleep that night I remembered thinking about what could be our families future, and I found myself haunted all night by dreams of life without my wife? What a truly horrible feeling dreaming about your loving spouse dying leaving behind four young kids and a grieving husband to explain along the way why God has chosen to call upon their mother. You want to wake from the awfully painfully real dream that have consumed your sleep, but it's impossible. I did break out of the terrifying night of sleep around 4 AM, and had to prevent myself from falling back to sleep, and possibly re-dreaming the scenario? I can't remember a more horrible night of sleep in my lifetime?

Wednesday started off as normal as every other Wednesday. I put all the kids into the car and drove the older boys to school. (I really enjoy these rides with all my kids. We get Daddy time alone and spend some quality time playing games or just talking to each other). Lulu stayed at home with Lourdes and Hamilton until the sitter arrived and she could meet me for a meeting. We needed to get to the office by 12 noon so we could participate in the Dentistry for Kids weekly management and staff meetings. After these meeting Lulu wanted to pick up the older boys from school and had asked me if we could go out tonight to talk, if she could get babysitting for the kids? I knew this meant that she had probably got the news from the cancer clinic and must likely it wasn't good news. (if she had gotten good news I was quite sure that she would have just blurted out that she was "cancer free" or that the results came back "negative"; however, her wanted to be alone that evening could only mean that she needed my support because the news wasn't what we had hoped for?

When Lulu told me the news it was almost anti-climatic. There were not tears (I think that we had both shed those in the days leading up to today?). I think that we are just numb to the whole cancer thing by now? I was really hopeful that this would be the time that Lulu would get some good news? It just seems that all the cancer news relating to her has been "less then positive"? When will there be a break for this wonderfully loving, caring, strong woman? I have learned when facing traumatic news, the best thing for a husband to do is just hug your wife for as long as she needs it. I've become much better at being there for my wife in times of crisis.

As much as the oncologist says that the results of this bone marrow test don't have a baring on the extent of her cancer, you have to wonder about the results and what they actually mean. Even thought they say that the number of cancer cells within the bones hasn't been shown to increase to chances of recurrent cancer or cancer showing up in other parts of the body, I find myself thinking that have an increase in the total number of cancer cells in the bones can't be good? A wise man once to me that, "unmet expectations lead to upsets", and my expectation was that my wife was going decrease the cancer within her, and when this result came back the opposite is happening, I find myself very upset. Why can't she get a break?

The next step is to met with the oncologist at UCSF to discuss the future treatment options for Lulu (she would also like to get a PET or CAT scan to check for other sites of cancer). Lulu hasn't made the appointment, and I wouldn't blame her if she puts this one off for awhile. I find myself thinking about the "next steps" and what all is going to be involved?

Even with all this week has brought to our family, I have faith that things will improve. Sometimes the light is the brightest during the darkest hour? I will be looking for that beckon of light shining brightly through the dark cloud that seems to be covering our family, and when it comes it will seem like the best thing that we could ever wish for. Now I must rely upon God to make it happen.